What do I need to do right now?

Startingagainagain

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Why are you there?

this is the Ex wife's cort case, not yours.

I think we need a clear breakdown of events.

Dec 2013 dsd comes to live with you:
Jan:
Feb:
March:
April:
May:
June: DH and DSD move out
July:

August: Final hearing


I could write a book on the rest!


It is the ex's case, although given that I'm married to one of the respondents and we have a child together then I am very much involved. Also DSD was placed with us a family, not just DH as a single man so I have been assessed and visited regularly too.


Are you slow walking me to a 'you're just the SM so butt out?' statement?

Confusedandneedhelp

Startingagainagain wrote: »

August: Final hearing


I could write a book on the rest!


It is the ex's case, although given that I'm married to one of the respondents and we have a child together then I am very much involved. Also DSD was placed with us a family, not just DH as a single man so I have been assessed and visited regularly too.


Are you slow walking me to a 'you're just the SM so butt out?' statement?

No, i have two adopted kids, im their only dad, so no i wouldnt do that. My point was trying to help you understand the position you are in. Whereby authorities are making suggestions to you, not orders, and the threat of losing your LO is breaking up your marriage.

I understand why you were assessed, i dont understand why they threatened you with a s.47 investigation and an emergency protection order for your son. I think you need to go get professional legal help. The iron fist of the judicial system tends to crumble abit more with informed arguements, as opposed to the fear that the family courts seem to have in this (backwards) country

quantumleap

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

No, i have two adopted kids, im their only dad, so no i wouldnt do that. My point was trying to help you understand the position you are in. Whereby authorities are making suggestions to you, not orders, and the threat of losing your LO is breaking up your marriage.

I understand why you were assessed, i dont understand why they threatened you with a s.47 investigation and an emergency protection order for your son. I think you need to go get professional legal help. The iron fist of the judicial system tends to crumble abit more with informed arguements, as opposed to the fear that the family courts seem to have in this (backwards) country

I'm not certain that the threat of the OP losing her child is the primary reason behind the marriage breakdown. Whilst of course it is a concern, I'm reading that the violent, insulting and unpredictable behaviour of her husbands daughter toward the OP and her son is what is making the marriage untenable.

Whilst I appreciate you are trying to be helpful "CANH" I do think you are concentrating on one particular piece of a quite a significant puzzle. Even if there was no "threat" of removal of the OP's son, I still think the situation would be much the same.

Confusedandneedhelp

quantumleap wrote: »

I'm not certain that the threat of the OP losing her child is the primary reason behind the marriage breakdown. Whilst of course it is a concern, I'm reading that the violent, insulting and unpredictable behaviour of her husbands daughter toward the OP and her son is what is making the marriage untenable.

Whilst I appreciate you are trying to be helpful "CANH" I do think you are concentrating on one particular piece of a quite a significant puzzle. Even if there was no "threat" of removal of the OP's son, I still think the situation would be much the same.

Think you're right.

Just think that her OH is now trying to raise his troubled daughter, patch up with the OP and see his LO, on his own.

Thats alot of stress for one person all at once. (similar arguement for OP too) - just minus the DSD

Startingagainagain

quantumleap wrote: »

I'm not certain that the threat of the OP losing her child is the primary reason behind the marriage breakdown. Whilst of course it is a concern, I'm reading that the violent, insulting and unpredictable behaviour of her husbands daughter toward the OP and her son is what is making the marriage untenable.

Whilst I appreciate you are trying to be helpful "CANH" I do think you are concentrating on one particular piece of a quite a significant puzzle. Even if there was no "threat" of removal of the OP's son, I still think the situation would be much the same.

Yes, that's exactly it. The conversation about the investigation was a bit of a wake up call - as in 'when do I say enough is enough'.


I absolutely understand the pressure on my DH. A big difference for him is that we live in the small village where he was born and raised (I moved here so he could remain close to his daughter...) so he has plenty of support from family and friends. They've offered me none and so where he has somewhere for DSD to go after school, places for her to stay so he can have a night off, people he can pop in and see - I don't. And he's offered very little in terms of support with LO (this is not a recent thing however!).


So I suppose the question is - is this doable? Has anyone else lived separately like this? How do we make it work? Can it work?

quantumleap

Startingagainagain wrote: »

Yes, that's exactly it. The conversation about the investigation was a bit of a wake up call - as in 'when do I say enough is enough'.


I absolutely understand the pressure on my DH. A big difference for him is that we live in the small village where he was born and raised (I moved here so he could remain close to his daughter...) so he has plenty of support from family and friends. They've offered me none and so where he has somewhere for DSD to go after school, places for her to stay so he can have a night off, people he can pop in and see - I don't. And he's offered very little in terms of support with LO (this is not a recent thing however!).


So I suppose the question is - is this doable? Has anyone else lived separately like this? How do we make it work? Can it work?

Only you and your husband can decide. Have you had an open and honest conversation about it? As a husband (and father of 3) myself, I can only imagine how difficult it must be for both of you. If I'm being entirely honest I don't know how living apart would work - surely you are a family unit or you are not?

Do you want to save your marriage?
Does your husband know you want to?
Does he know what it will take and is he prepared to do it?

Startingagainagain

quantumleap wrote: »

Only you and your husband can decide. Have you had an open and honest conversation about it? As a husband (and father of 3) myself, I can only imagine how difficult it must be for both of you. If I'm being entirely honest I don't know how living apart would work - surely you are a family unit or you are not?

Do you want to save your marriage?
I think so
Does your husband know you want to?
Yes
Does he know what it will take and is he prepared to do it?
I've been very, very honest about this. I am concerned that he thinks this will be a chance to 'work on me' and that I've eventually relent, welcome DSD back into our home and everything will be brilliant.

We've never really been a couple who has lived in each other's pockets and the prospect of living apart doesn't hugely concern me. I suppose it's the logistics of how we do it and what happens at crunch times - Christmas, family get togethers etc.


There's also the matter of an end date - what if DSD decides she wants to live with DH until she's 30? The SW thinks DSD's mum is planning on moving abroad if (when) she doesn't get her children back to somewhere with no REMO agreement.


And what about moving back in together - will we even want to by then?


Lots to consider....

Startingagainagain

So...following a 'heated discussion' last night it looks like I'm back to square one.


So - say I put the house up for sale now - but obviously we can't divorce until we've been separated for 2 years (unless we go for the adultery / unreasonable behaviour reasons) how do we decide on the split?

Startingagainagain

Sorry for replying to my own post again!


I've taken the following steps -
- changed my will
- made DS the sole recipient of my life assurance (via work pension scheme).
I've done some basic stuff like cancelling spotify, lovefilm, moved my phone to a SIM only, got my 25% discount through council tax, applied for tax credits. I don't have Sky or anything, have good deals on utilities, phone/broadband etc. I'm pretty good at meal planning and cooking on a budget.


Am I missing anything? (apart from praying that DS doesn't have another growth spurt any time soon!).


I've asked DH for some space and for him to think about a schedule for seeing DS at the house - I'll go out while they're together so he gets that time with him.

Mojisola

Startingagainagain wrote: »

I've asked DH for some space and for him to think about a schedule for seeing DS at the house - I'll go out while they're together so he gets that time with him.

If you do this, think about locking all private paperwork away and having your computer password protected, etc.