My Husband Doesn't Understand that I Need Space

PenguinOfDeath

Fredula wrote: »

Walking is a good idea. We have fields near us so I could take a book over the field, but I'd feel guilty about leaving him to look after the kiddo (obviously I'd go whilst H is in bed).

Why can't he look after his own son? It's not babysitting, it's parenting!

I can understand him to a certain extent, I have done the living with the in-laws thing and it's virtually impossible to be comfortable. Does he have any hobbies? Any friends he can see?

Fredula

His hobbies are gaming, reading, playing on his phone and watching TV. No, neither of us have friends we go out with.

Don't get me started on looking after the kiddo. If I don't plan things for kiddo to do on the weekend he will end up staying in! That's a completely different argument though and probably irrelevant to this post.

Pollycat

Fredula wrote: »

His hobbies are gaming, reading, playing on his phone and watching TV. No, neither of us have friends we go out with.

Don't get me started on looking after the kiddo. If I don't plan things for kiddo to do on the weekend he will end up staying in! That's a completely different argument though and probably irrelevant to this post.

Fredula wrote: »

Last year I was almost ready to leave him because things were so difficult. Things have been so much better over the last 4 - 5 months and I love him, and I know that the marriage is going to have it's ups and downs, so I really don't think we need to be worrying about anything like that. I love him, but I just need my own space sometimes.

Fredula wrote: »

I used to tell him but it doesn't make any difference when I do, so I've stopped bothering.

We live in my parents house - we have our own bedroom and our son has his own too. We have a separate living room (their old dining room) which is just rammed full of our stuff and the kiddo's toys - that in itself stresses me out.

It's not the ideal situation but he has privacy from them when he's downstairs, so I don't think the following around thing is to do with that - especially since it happened whilst we were renting last year, because it was just the three of us then.

From what you say in the bits I've bolded, I don't think you should stop bothering to tell him that you need space.

It's clearly stressing you out and that is impacting on him - and probably your child too.

I'd also - like Penguin of Death - be educating him about looking after his own son. The concept you (and maybe him) have of 'babysitting' his own child is so wrong.

Are things likely to change from a social life perspective when you do move?
He sounds like he's lacking in the ability to be on his own and do things on his own so unless you resolve this I can see this continuing until you can't stand it any longer.


Surely it's better to explain to him in a calm, reasonable manner what you want/need than for it to blow up.

ally18

Fredula wrote: »

His hobbies are gaming, reading, playing on his phone and watching TV. No, neither of us have friends we go out with.

Don't get me started on looking after the kiddo. If I don't plan things for kiddo to do on the weekend he will end up staying in! That's a completely different argument though and probably irrelevant to this post.

Actually Fredula, I think this point is quite relevant and if you don't nip it in the bud, it may escalate to the point that you just say, I have had enough and its all over.

Please explain to him seriously about the need for individual space and the fact that he needs to start acting like an adult and not your second child. He cannot follow you around like a puppy all the time, he needs to stand up and be a man, make the decision himself to take the little one out and give you some free time. He needs to do things by himself so you must talk about this both of you. It will become quite draining for you if left in this state, believe me. Good Luck

victory

pollycat is right, your husband must learn to be on his own, find his own friends/ outdoor pursuits/ interests, being able to be happy in your own skin is a great skill to have.

If as a person you can entertain yourself and enjoy your own company and do not have to seek out others to fill the void it makes for a better well balanced, emotional stable, well rounded human being that has a lot more to give.

Clinginness is not an attractive trait.

If needs be organize for him and your son an outdoor activity, research it yourself, book it, pay for it and then tell him, just say you and son are going to x on Saturday at y time for this amount of time, the address is.... This is the bus route.... Hope you both have fun... See you when you get back. He will be like :eek: to begin with so keep it short for starters and let him get used to it until eventually it will become the norm.

He will have more to talk about , less time to be around the house chasing you from room to room and he will be learning to interact with his son, win, win

VestanPance

Wait a minute. The suggestion is to send some bloke out the house who as described by his wife is a complete shut-in in terms of his hobbies (gaming, watching tv, playing on the phone)! The chances are he doesn't have outdoor/sociable hobbies is because he doesn't enjoy them.

Surely you noticed these traits in him before you had a child together?

seven-day-weekend

He can still do 'indoor ' things with his child though. Playing games, hide and seek, I spy, baking, cutting and pasting, colouring.....

VestanPance

I know many of the women on these boards going on the many descriptions of their partners seem to have partnered up with cavemen who can't do a single thing for themselves!

But any guy should be able to spend an afternoon doing something with their kid while their partner heads out. The OP should just tell him she's meeting up with a friend, grab a book and head out and grab a coffee and cake in town for an hour if she needs her own time.

If a guy can't enjoy some time with his kid then you've got incredibly bigger issues to resolve than getting the odd bit of me time.

snowleopard61

Fredula, could you take yourself off to the library for a while? If your child is asleep in bed it isn't very onerous for your OH.

I think it would drive me crazy not to be able to be quiet in my own house; going out isn't quite the same thing. But a library would be my next best option.

minerva_windsong

azzabazza wrote: »

It would appear from your post that perhaps you are staying with your Mum at the moment. If that is the case your OH maybe does not feel relaxed in someone else's home. Just a thought.

That's a good point. My OH's family are lovely, but when we go round to theirs and he leaves me alone with them for whatever reason I always have the slight 'what do I do/say' panic as I'm naturally quite a shy person and not very good at small talk. I also don't have a lot of my own friends - most of our friends are people my OH knew before he met me, and again they're really nice but I really struggle to talk to them because I never know what to say.


I wonder if this is at least partly the case with your OH. If he has never been good at small talk/making friends then it might be that he sees you as the centre of his social interaction and consequently is relying on you for that - which is not healthy. However, I do think that it might be easier for him to start with learning to be by himself rather than trying to push him into making friends.


I'd therefore suggest that you're really clear with him - say something like 'I just need 20 minutes on my own, can you read to H/make tea etc?' Having a set task to do while you're not there and a set period of time when it will be over might be a good way of distracting him.


And I agree with everyone else he needs to not see looking after his son as 'babysitting'. Would sending them to an activity with set start and finish times help? Again it means that he doesn't have to think of something to do or worry that it's going to be very unstructured.