My Husband Doesn't Understand that I Need Space

geerex

He sometimes plays his sax

My, that really is a healthy attitude towards "alone time" :rotfl:

gik

Pollycat wrote: »

If I did this to my OH, I'd want him to give me £20 and I'd go to the pub.

Sorry for lowering the tone, I'll delete it if anyone objects.

I'm clearly paying my OH too much!

Fredula

Haha, if only sending him off down the pub would work.

It's been a problem for about a year a half (and we've been married for 2 years in September!). Last year we were renting and I had the same issue, that I would need space/time on my own, and I'd tell him, but he'd still come up to the bedroom and sort of just 'be' there, be it faffing around with things in his drawers, coming up to read his kindle (to which I would go downstairs, and again, he'd come). We had numerous arguments about it last year because he just couldn't get it into his head that sometimes I need to be on my own to think/unwind (he's a fidgetter, which winds me up if we're sat on the settee because we only have 1 sofa and he's constantly shaking his legs or re-positioning himself).

How I dealt with it last year was that I joined the gym, went aquafit 2 times a week and swimming on a Sunday morning. It was lovely, but I had to quit because we're saving for our mortgage and £35 per month was just a bit too much.

On the other hand though, he never goes out. Even when we were renting, I'd ask him if he could just take the kiddiwink out for an hour on a Saturday morning so I could put the hoover round (It's difficult cleaning around people) and he would be like, "where am I supposed to go?" So after one or two weekends of him popping out for an hour, it stopped.

I did tell him I was annoyed with him leaving the documents in the car and he didn't see a problem with it. This wasn't what it was about though - I'd had a bad day and was greeted with a grouchy child and husband who couldn't make a decision for himself, and it was just all a bit too much.

belfastgirl23

What about walking? If you want to keep fit and also want some space it's ideal.

I also have a similar situation. My solution is to go to the bath. DH now understands that when I do this I just need some quiet time. It took us a while to get there though.

jetplane

Many moons ago when I got married it suddenly dawned on me that there was no room in the house that was just mine. I had always had my own bedroom at home and sharing came as a shock. I understand if you feel suffocated sometimes, however it sounds like your husband just irritates you and I would be concerned as to whether it was quiet time you wanted or whether your actually avoiding him.

What has he said when you have explained that you just want some time on your own and how much time do you actually want Does he have insecurities where he thinks something is wrong if you're not with him?

I wonder what he meant by a new low, I would be really concerned if my husband held a door shut so that I could not enter a room. Is there more to this than you just needing space?

balletshoes

Fredula wrote: »

Haha, if only sending him off down the pub would work.

It's been a problem for about a year a half (and we've been married for 2 years in September!). Last year we were renting and I had the same issue, that I would need space/time on my own, and I'd tell him, but he'd still come up to the bedroom and sort of just 'be' there, be it faffing around with things in his drawers, coming up to read his kindle (to which I would go downstairs, and again, he'd come). We had numerous arguments about it last year because he just couldn't get it into his head that sometimes I need to be on my own to think/unwind (he's a fidgetter, which winds me up if we're sat on the settee because we only have 1 sofa and he's constantly shaking his legs or re-positioning himself).

How I dealt with it last year was that I joined the gym, went aquafit 2 times a week and swimming on a Sunday morning. It was lovely, but I had to quit because we're saving for our mortgage and £35 per month was just a bit too much.

On the other hand though, he never goes out. Even when we were renting, I'd ask him if he could just take the kiddiwink out for an hour on a Saturday morning so I could put the hoover round (It's difficult cleaning around people) and he would be like, "where am I supposed to go?" So after one or two weekends of him popping out for an hour, it stopped.

I did tell him I was annoyed with him leaving the documents in the car and he didn't see a problem with it. This wasn't what it was about though - I'd had a bad day and was greeted with a grouchy child and husband who couldn't make a decision for himself, and it was just all a bit too much.

I'm still not sure from your posts whether you actually say to your OH - "I'm just going upstairs for a read/lie down/nap/to take a breather, on my own for a little while - I'll come back down after that". Do you tell him thats what you are away to do, or do your just go and expect him to know thats what you're doing?

Do you all live with your mum just now? Is he more comfortable in your company around her, rather than just her and him when you're not present?

Fredula

We don't have a bathtub at the moment, but when we move we will have, so I am planning on doing that. At the moment we are that couple who don't mind peeing in front of eachother - we will both walk in on eachother - so I'm going to start enforcing boundaries because I think we're just too...I dunno. I just don't think that's a good road to go down, esp with my issue with space.

Walking is a good idea. We have fields near us so I could take a book over the field, but I'd feel guilty about leaving him to look after the kiddo (obviously I'd go whilst H is in bed).

I love him, but I just feel like I'm not my own person anymore. I feel like I've lost myself and I don't know what I like or what I enjoy. I just feel like a weak person. Neither of us have any friends to go out and socialise with, so we're always in each other's company.

ohreally

Your relationship sounds moribund.

Fredula

balletshoes wrote: »

I'm still not sure from your posts whether you actually say to your OH - "I'm just going upstairs for a read/lie down/nap/to take a breather, on my own for a little while - I'll come back down after that". Do you tell him thats what you are away to do, or do your just go and expect him to know thats what you're doing?

Do you all live with your mum just now? Is he more comfortable in your company around her, rather than just her and him when you're not present?

I used to tell him but it doesn't make any difference when I do, so I've stopped bothering.

We live in my parents house - we have our own bedroom and our son has his own too. We have a separate living room (their old dining room) which is just rammed full of our stuff and the kiddo's toys - that in itself stresses me out.

It's not the ideal situation but he has privacy from them when he's downstairs, so I don't think the following around thing is to do with that - especially since it happened whilst we were renting last year, because it was just the three of us then.

Fredula

ohreally wrote: »

Your relationship sounds moribund.

Last year I was almost ready to leave him because things were so difficult. Things have been so much better over the last 4 - 5 months and I love him, and I know that the marriage is going to have it's ups and downs, so I really don't think we need to be worrying about anything like that. I love him, but I just need my own space sometimes.