My Husband Doesn't Understand that I Need Space

Pollycat

minerva_windsong wrote: »

I'd therefore suggest that you're really clear with him - say something like 'I just need 20 minutes on my own, can you read to H/make tea etc?' Having a set task to do while you're not there and a set period of time when it will be over might be a good way of distracting him.

I wonder just how 'clear' the OP really has been about this needing space issue.

minerva_windsong wrote: »

And I agree with everyone else he needs to not see looking after his son as 'babysitting'. Would sending them to an activity with set start and finish times help? Again it means that he doesn't have to think of something to do or worry that it's going to be very unstructured.

Yep.

This ranks right up there with 'I've washed the dishes for you'.
No, dear, you haven't washed the dishes for me.
You've washed dishes that we've both used.

seven-day-weekend

My next door neighbour always used to say 'I'm babysitting the children for J' although they were his children as well as hers.

I'm glad I did not marry a chauvinist. My husband is not one, neither was my dad. I'm used to real men.

BigAunty

Are you sure you can't afford the £35 a month to indulge your interests? I know you are hard at saving up but your joint lack of interests at the moment are probably both making you dull and not helping the pressure cooker environment.

You are sick at the belongings stacked up and perhaps this sense of claustrophobia is also stressful - are you sure you can't afford to put this into storage, for the sake of your spirits?

You have decided that his aversion to going outdoors to play with his kid is a separate issue but are you sure it's not just another symptom of the clinginess and housebound nature of your partner so it's really all the same thing, perhaps?

On the latter, I think you need to be firmer about him taking your kid out for trips, treats, excursions, picnics. It's the summer, so why be cooped up. In my area, there are loads of parks, cheap or free child related events, free museums with kid related attractions. I don't know the age of the kid but it's usually easy and cheap to pick up outdoor games and toys from poundshops - frisbee, bubble wands, balls, bats, fishing rods and so on. It's easy to get camping equipment off Freecycle and also fairly cheap to buy in certain shops - can you persuade them to go on some camping trips together?

(Actually I like VestanPance suggestion that you just take yourself off to do whatever you wish for half the day each weekend, like going for a swim, shop or stroll with no explanation or justification at all. "I'm out all this afternoon. Have fun. See you later").

BigAunty

VestanPance wrote: »

I know many of the women on these boards going on the many descriptions of their partners seem to have partnered up with cavemen who can't do a single thing for themselves!

.

The term I prefer to describe the useless partners of some of the women on this forum, in terms of their failure to have basic organisation, domestic, child care and financial skills, the endemic inequality in running the household, is 'man-child'.

There seems to be a lot of women with lazy, unmotivated partners who just won't step up and do the basics. I don't see them as 'cave men', though some of them clearly think housework and child rearing is womens work, but as weak, looking for their female partners to mother them.

ohreally

VestanPance wrote: »

But any guy should be able to spend an afternoon doing something with their kid while their partner heads out.

Mmm, enjoy spending time with sprogs, whoda thunk it.

seven-day-weekend

ohreally wrote: »

Mmm, enjoy spending time with sprogs, whoda thunk it.

What do you mean by this post?

Morglin

DH and I have to spend a lot of time together, (disabled and retired), but we both recognise that there are times, even in the most loving of relationships, where one needs some space.

So, from the off, we made an agreement, where if one wants space, that person can go out for a few hours, alone, no discussions, no explanations.

Can you not try that, instead of barricading a door?

Lin

Top_Girl

I can't be the only one who finds being followed round the house a bit weird, if you're not in the middle of a conversation.

Does your OH have a problem being alone with your family and use you as a buffer?

Top_Girl

BigAunty wrote: »

On the latter, I think you need to be firmer about him taking your kid out for trips, treats, excursions, picnics. It's the summer, so why be cooped up. In my area, there are loads of parks, cheap or free child related events, free museums with kid related attractions. I don't know the age of the kid but it's usually easy and cheap to pick up outdoor games and toys from poundshops - frisbee, bubble wands, balls, bats, fishing rods and so on. It's easy to get camping equipment off Freecycle and also fairly cheap to buy in certain shops - can you persuade them to go on some camping trips together?

(Actually I like VestanPance suggestion that you just take yourself off to do whatever you wish for half the day each weekend, like going for a swim, shop or stroll with no explanation or justification at all. "I'm out all this afternoon. Have fun. See you later").

I'd suggest a nice compromise between these at this stage, as H's father does seem to need a bit of 'guidance' at the moment.

'I need to pop into town for a few things, there's a new ball in the hall if you fancy taking H for a walk to the park or you could take him swimming to cool him down, it'll help him sleep'.

And leave. Take your mobile for your convenience and emergencies and have a couple of hours on your own, maybe bring a DVD home that you'll both enjoy.

I've lived with my ex OH's parents and it is bl00dy hard work, so your OH has my sympathy, but as there is no quick fix, he needs to learn to deal with it.

Finally, talk to him about how you're feeling re. space.

wdah

How frustrating. I find alone time at home difficult too; if I want some space, I usually hop in the car and go for a drive.