Verbal agreement child custody - now ex wants more custody?

GobbledyGook

d4d74 wrote: »

Yes I have considered it and I agree 100% which is why I've offered having them in the school week (I used to take them to school every day when we were together), but she says that's unacceptable and that I should have them just 4 days a month.


I do however wonder why she didn't miss them from 2012 until 2014, that's 2 years of a very special age. Why do you think she is only started to miss them ? (the eldest always went to school 9-3 when we split up and youngest went to nursery).

Then you should consider going to court for an order that will give you some weekday contact if you cannot agree.

At the end of the day it doesn't overly matter why she has realised it now. Perhaps she bitterly regrets not having that time before, perhaps she doesn't. Fact of the matter is you need to concentrate on now and a court would agree with her over the weekends so you need to take steps to sort some weekday contact. Contact will change as children change and circumstances change.

If you have genuine concerns about your children's welfare overall then you should be taking steps to take residence of the children, through the courts.

d4d74

GobbledyGook wrote: »

Then you should consider going to court for an order that will give you some weekday contact if you cannot agree.

At the end of the day it doesn't overly matter why she has realised it now. Perhaps she bitterly regrets not having that time before, perhaps she doesn't. Fact of the matter is you need to concentrate on now and a court would agree with her over the weekends so you need to take steps to sort some weekday contact. Contact will change as children change and circumstances change.

If you have genuine concerns about your children's welfare overall then you should be taking steps to take residence of the children, through the courts.

So do you suggest if we go to court the following:


Sat/Sun then Mon-Friday Mummy


following Sat/Sun then Mon-Friday Daddy


How do you suggest arranging contact that's equal rights for both their mummy and daddy.

daisiegg

d4d74 wrote: »

Even though what my ex-partner has done, we are very civil (my new partner doesn't like it - but I tell her that it's for the children).

Your new partner doesn't like you being civil with your ex partner? That doesn't sound very healthy!

d4d74

daisiegg wrote: »

Your new partner doesn't like you being civil with your ex partner? That doesn't sound very healthy!

No she says that I shouldn't laugh and joke with her, but I do it for the children, besides I don't hold any grudges. My ex-partner new boyfriend doesn't like it when we are chatting either, sometimes I've turned up at her house and she will barely speak to me or the children when we turn up, and he is standing in the hallway behind her silent! The next day I see her on her own and she is her usual bubbly self towards me so all good!

GobbledyGook

d4d74 wrote: »

So do you suggest if we go to court the following:


Sat/Sun then Mon-Friday Mummy


following Sat/Sun then Mon-Friday Daddy


How do you suggest arranging contact that's equal rights for both their mummy and daddy.

You have to do what works for your children in your circumstances.

My friends do Monday to Monday. One drops the children off at school on a Monday morning and the other collects them and then the opposite occurs the following week.

When I was divorced we we did alternate Friday's Daddy picked them up from school and kept them until Monday morning. He also had them overnight every Tuesday. On the weekend they were with me he collected them on a Monday for tea and then brought them back.

Another friend does alternate Fri-Mon and the NRP has them for dinner on a Wednesday night.

You have to work out what works in your individual circumstances.

However, it's not about getting equal rights for both their mummy and daddy - it's about working out the best option for the children in their particular circumstances.

d4d74

GobbledyGook wrote: »

You have to do what works for your children in your circumstances.

My friends do Monday to Monday. One drops the children off at school on a Monday morning and the other collects them and then the opposite occurs the following week.

When I was divorced we we did alternate Friday's Daddy picked them up from school and kept them until Monday morning. He also had them overnight every Tuesday. On the weekend they were with me he collected them on a Monday for tea and then brought them back.

Another friend does alternate Fri-Mon and the NRP has them for dinner on a Wednesday night.

You have to work out what works in your individual circumstances.

However, it's not about getting equal rights for both their mummy and daddy - it's about working out the best option for the children in their particular circumstances.

Well when we split up she told Relate the girls were 60% for me and 40% for her and its all written down by Relate. I have texts from my ex-partner saying the girls miss me in the week and she has even brought the girls home early from a holiday as they missed me so much. I guess I should do what you suggest and put these forward to the court so they can see what the girls want? Of course it's not about getting equal rights, its about what the girls want and evidence supporting this and forget about all the games she's played. I think that is the most important aspect of what I have learnt from everyone here. I cannot thank you all enough. I see very clearly how I should proceed, and only give what counts as what the girls really want.


I think your friends that do the Monday to Monday is a possibility my work allows a lot of flexibility thankfully.

GobbledyGook

d4d74 wrote: »

Well when we split up she told Relate the girls were 60% for me and 40% for her and its all written down by Relate. I have texts from my ex-partner saying the girls miss me in the week and she has even brought the girls home early from a holiday as they missed me so much. I guess I should do what you suggest and put these forward to the court so they can see what the girls want? Of course it's not about getting equal rights, its about what the girls want and evidence supporting this and forget about all the games she's played. I think that is the most important aspect of what I have learnt from everyone here. I cannot thank you all enough. I see very clearly how I should proceed, and only give what counts as what the girls really want.


I think your friends that do the Monday to Monday is a possibility my work allows a lot of flexibility thankfully.

To be fair it was you who said about equal rights....

You seem to be very negative about your ex. It's not about who your children like best - it's about the best set up for them.

For example, if they could choose, my children would probably opt to live with their uncle. Ice cream for breakfast, inappropriate shoes for school, stay up late - it doesn't mean that that would be the best for them. They'd almost certainly opt for Daddy over me because he loses track of time giving late bedtimes and forgets about homework sometimes whereas I never do!

That's what you need to work out. What routine would work out best for your children. Where would they benefit the most (all round - relationships with you both, schooling, safety, security, access of opportunity...)

I also agree with daisyegg - the attitude of your partner sounds awful. Same with your ex's new partner. Tbh, and if you feel this is too blunt then I apologise, but it sounds like all four adults in your children's lives could do with a bit of a shake over priorities and attitudes towards each other for the sake of the children.

d4d74

GobbledyGook wrote: »

To be fair it was you who said about equal rights....

You seem to be very negative about your ex. It's not about who your children like best - it's about the best set up for them.

For example, if they could choose, my children would probably opt to live with their uncle. Ice cream for breakfast, inappropriate shoes for school, stay up late - it doesn't mean that that would be the best for them. They'd almost certainly opt for Daddy over me because he loses track of time giving late bedtimes and forgets about homework sometimes whereas I never do!

That's what you need to work out. What routine would work out best for your children. Where would they benefit the most (all round - relationships with you both, schooling, safety, security, access of opportunity...)

I also agree with daisyegg - the attitude of your partner sounds awful. Same with your ex's new partner. Tbh, and if you feel this is too blunt then I apologise, but it sounds like all four adults in your children's lives could do with a bit of a shake over priorities and attitudes towards each other for the sake of the children.

Well this is exactly why the school are involved, because mummy has been giving them sweets and letting them stay up late (until midnight on occasions) during school week, and other things that I'm not going into yet. So you are correct that it's not what the girls desire, as doesn't every little girl like sweeties everyday, but if it causes bad behaviour at school then the school will definitely look into this...which they are thankfully!


As for safety then I'm still puzzled why her own Nan phoned me up, and was worried about their safety and told me that she prefers it when the children are with me because they are safer. I'm not sure what to make of that, I thought blood was thicker than water. (just to be clear my ex-partner has always been closest to her Nan in all of her family)

elsien

Her solicitors are saying what she tells them to say. That's what solicitors do. It doesn't mean they're right and you have to agree to what they say, it means that she's paying their bill so they're putting her demands into official looking language. No more, no less.
Which is why you need to find some sort of representation of your own, and where you legally stand. It is better to avoid court if you can, but it's not always possible.

A relative's wife refused mediation and was difficult over contact so it had to go to court. They settled for every other weekend, half the holidays and one overnight stay midweek. It was also put in that mum had to be flexible about overnights and holidays due to dad having to travel for work. Both parties were not entirely happy over the outcome which probably means the judge got it about right.

GobbledyGook

d4d74 wrote: »

Well this is exactly why the school are involved, because mummy has been giving them sweets and letting them stay up late (until midnight on occasions) during school week, and other things that I'm not going into yet. So you are correct that it's not what the girls desire, as doesn't every little girl like sweeties everyday, but if it causes bad behaviour at school then the school will definitely look into this...which they are thankfully!


As for safety then I'm still puzzled why her own Nan phoned me up, and was worried about their safety and told me that she prefers it when the children are with me because they are safer. I'm not sure what to make of that, I thought blood was thicker than water. (just to be clear my ex-partner has always been closest to her Nan in all of her family)

If you have concerns, the school have concerns and even your ex's own family have expressed safety concerns then why are you faffing about being picky over a weekend or whatever?

Why is it not YOU speaking to a solicitor about how you bring your children to live with you and sorting access for your ex?

Either the safety concerns are there and YOU need to do more to protect your children's long-term welfare or they are not there and therefore they are irrelevant.