Verbal agreement child custody - now ex wants more custody?

susancs

d4d74 wrote: »

I think my biggest concern recently is that my eldest told me about an incident with her new partner, but I'm not going into great detail as the school are dealing with it through caf?.

OP, from your last post and previous posts it seems that there are some concerns in regard to your DD1 which has caused the school to start the CAF (Common Assessement framework) process. As the child's father you should request to be part of any TAC (team around the child) meetings and should have details of the lead professional. Despite your misgivings about the school (noted in your previous post), they have a statutory duty to act in the best interest of the child and not their previous employee (DD1's mother).

http://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/20130903161352/http://www.education.gov.uk/childrenandyoungpeople/strategy/integratedworking/caf/a0068957/the-caf-process

http://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/20130903161352/http://www.education.gov.uk/childrenandyoungpeople/strategy/integratedworking/a0068944/team-around-the-child-tac

d4d74

Ok thanks I will have a look and ask the school about it

meer53

d4d74 wrote: »

So what you're saying I should just accept her offer and see my children 4 days a month?

No-one is saying that.

You should either speak to her yourself and agree something more convenient for both of you, or let Cafcass make their recommendations if they are definitely involved. You haven't said whether they are ? They can't really be involved without your knowledge so i'd assume they're not at this stage.

You really have to let you ex live her life and you must move on.

I'm not saying this in ignorance, i have been in this very situation myself. Some of the things my ex did with our daughter when she was with him were totally against any of my wishes. You have to understand that as long as your daughters are not in any danger, you have to stand back and let it go.

Another thing you may need to face is the fact that as your daughters get older, they may not want to spend so much time with you. It's natural for girls to want to spend time with their Mum. Dads usually become an embarrassment once they get to their teens.

My daughter used to love to go to her Dads to stay. Now (she's 13) she doesn't want to go anymore, she wants to spend time with her friends at the weekend.

meer53

susancs wrote: »

OP, from your last post and previous posts it seems that there are some concerns in regard to your DD1 which has caused the school to start the CAF (Common Assessement framework) process. As the child's father you should request to be part of any TAC (team around the child) meetings and should have details of the lead professional. Despite your misgivings about the school (noted in your previous post), they have a statutory duty to act in the best interest of the child and not their previous employee (DD1's mother).

http://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/20130903161352/http://www.education.gov.uk/childrenandyoungpeople/strategy/integratedworking/caf/a0068957/the-caf-process

http://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/20130903161352/http://www.education.gov.uk/childrenandyoungpeople/strategy/integratedworking/a0068944/team-around-the-child-tac

Should they have notified the OP about this ?

d4d74

meer53 wrote: »

No-one is saying that.

You should either speak to her yourself and agree something more convenient for both of you, or let Cafcass make their recommendations if they are definitely involved. You haven't said whether they are ? They can't really be involved without your knowledge so i'd assume they're not at this stage.

You really have to let you ex live her life and you must move on.

I'm not saying this in ignorance, i have been in this very situation myself. Some of the things my ex did with our daughter when she was with him were totally against any of my wishes. You have to understand that as long as your daughters are not in any danger, you have to stand back and let it go.

Another thing you may need to face is the fact that as your daughters get older, they may not want to spend so much time with you. It's natural for girls to want to spend time with their Mum. Dads usually become an embarrassment once they get to their teens.

My daughter used to love to go to her Dads to stay. Now (she's 13) she doesn't want to go anymore, she wants to spend time with her friends at the weekend.

We've had this agreement since March 2012 but she wants it changed now as I have a new partner and she has even told me that she's sick of hearing about what my new partner does with the children (they are very bubbly and affectionate girls!!).


I am very flexible with the arrangements, she takes them to parties on weekends when she wants, and we both take them on long holidays, but she has told me that she wants it in writing that she has them in the week, and alternate weekends and I get them 4 days a month. I think school said CAF meeting so I believe the previous poster was correct, it was a mixup with CAFCAS? or is it the same thing? we have a meet scheduled in the coming weeks so I will find out more then. I do live my own life, it's my ex-partner that keeps sending me nasty text messages since I met my new partner. Even her nan laughed that it's all fallen in to place for myself and not really worked out for my ex-partner. I don't hold any grudges, just want to see my children each week as I have done since 2012...


I realise this but my girls are only 6 and 4 so they are very young still, and my eldest tells my parents she misses daddy a lot in the week. Even my ex-partner has text me saying my eldest misses me a lot, yet now she knows I have lovely new partner she taking solicitor action saying I should have them 4 days a month.


The main problem happened when the girls created a special bond with my new partner, they look up to her as their step-mum and it drives my ex crazy!

susancs

d4d74 wrote: »

Ok thanks I will have a look and ask the school about it

OP, you can also ask the school to put you on their email list to send any information such as newsletters, school information, trips etc to you as well as DD1s mother if you have not already done so. This will enable you to book work days off to attend key events such as Sports Day, Concert events, celebration asemblies, days out, PTA events etc. I have seen many Parents who are no longer together attending the same event separately to support their child or a father on a school trip.

d4d74

susancs wrote: »

OP, you can also ask the school to put you on their email list to send any information such as newsletters, school information, trips etc to you as well as DD1s mother if you have not already done so. This will enable you to book work days off to attend key events such as Sports Day, Concert events, celebration asemblies, days out, PTA events etc. I have seen many Parents who are no longer together attending the same event separately to support their child or a father on a school trip.

Thanks but I already get all the newsletters, I attend the parents evening with my ex-partner too, and I pay on parentpay all their trips etc since we split in mar'12. The school is very good at giving advance notice of events

meer53

d4d74 wrote: »

We've had this agreement since March 2012 but she wants it changed now as I have a new partner and she has even told me that she's sick of hearing about what my new partner does with the children (they are very bubbly and affectionate girls!!).


I am very flexible with the arrangements, she takes them to parties on weekends when she wants, and we both take them on long holidays, but she has told me that she wants it in writing that she has them in the week, and alternate weekends and I get them 4 days a month. I think school said CAF meeting so I believe the previous poster was correct, it was a mixup with CAFCAS? or is it the same thing? we have a meet scheduled in the coming weeks so I will find out more then. I do live my own life, it's my ex-partner that keeps sending me nasty text messages since I met my new partner. Even her nan laughed that it's all fallen in to place for myself and not really worked out for my ex-partner. I don't hold any grudges, just want to see my children each week as I have done since 2012...


I realise this but my girls are only 6 and 4 so they are very young still, and my eldest tells my parents she misses daddy a lot in the week. Even my ex-partner has text me saying my eldest misses me a lot, yet now she knows I have lovely new partner she taking solicitor action saying I should have them 4 days a month.


The main problem happened when the girls created a special bond with my new partner, they look up to her as their step-mum and it drives my ex crazy!

I know how she feels. I felt the same when my daughter used to come back from her Dads after spending time with him and his new GF. It really hurts. It takes a long time, but it will pass. I hope you can understand this. Sometimes i wanted to yell at my daughter to "shut the f**k up" as it broke my heart to hear it. But i resisted, thankfully.

With regard to Caf and Cafcass, my apologies if i have mixed them up. If your ex insists on using a solicitor to resolve the access issue then Cafcass may become involved anyway if you can't agree between yourselves.

susancs

meer53 wrote: »

Should they have notified the OP about this ?

Parents are informed about the need for a CAF and reasons for it and I would have expected both Parents to be informed. It seems that the school may think the OP has been informed as they seem to have mentioned CAF to the him.

d4d74

Yes I want to go with mediation, but I keep getting nasty solicitor letters saying I have to reply to them within 5 days or they seek further higher action if I don't accept their demands !! I just reply saying I will discuss this in a civil manner with mediation present and then I don't hear anything for 2 weeks then they send me another letter... and it's like going round in circles since May!


my ex-partner even lied about an incident to her solicitor and I asked the school their version of events, and they mailed me the truth so I just forwarded it on to her solicitors!