Verbal agreement child custody - now ex wants more custody?

d4d74

meer53 wrote: »

I know how she feels. I felt the same when my daughter used to come back from her Dads after spending time with him and his new GF. It really hurts. It takes a long time, but it will pass. I hope you can understand this. Sometimes i wanted to yell at my daughter to "shut the f**k up" as it broke my heart to hear it. But i resisted, thankfully.

With regard to Caf and Cafcass, my apologies if i have mixed them up. If your ex insists on using a solicitor to resolve the access issue then Cafcass may become involved anyway if you can't agree between yourselves.

To be honest I used to be the jealous type but because I see my girls every week, I have never been jealous since my ex-partner moved in with her boss. I have even offered them new doors for the girls bedrooms so guess that says it all.


Anyway I believe as I have had a strong bond with them since day 1 (yes I was a big nappy changer and bottle feeder so my partner had sleep too!), then I have equal rights to see them every week like my ex-partner does too. I don't want to be another dad that gets fed up with the system and simply walks away from it all...

Confusedandneedhelp

d4d74 wrote: »

Yes I want to go with mediation, but I keep getting nasty solicitor letters saying I have to reply to them within 5 days or they seek further higher action if I don't accept their demands !! I just reply saying I will discuss this in a civil manner with mediation present and then I don't hear anything for 2 weeks then they send me another letter... and it's like going round in circles since May!


my ex-partner even lied about an incident to her solicitor and I asked the school their version of events, and they mailed me the truth so I just forwarded it on to her solicitors!

What action do u think they'll take???

None, that's what. Because a court case is a expensive and bud get more than 4 days a month!

clearingout

why have you not edited your original post to remove the children's names and the fact that your ex was recommended to attend psycho-sexual counselling? do you not understand how this will be viewed by a court?

You need to back off with the new partner. If your ex is having an issue with a new partner, why is she attending school events, for example? This is a red rag to a bull in all but the most amicable of relationship breakdowns. Your children have two parents - regardless of whether or not you want to admit that - so accept that you will need to parent your children with your ex and not with your ex and your new partner. It's nothing to do with your new partner. Your posts read like you are trying to find the smallest of excuses to justify your ex not having residence of the children - shoes with plastic soles, lots of time spent on an ipad etc. These are parenting differences - they do not constitute abuse.

If there is an issue with your ex's new partner, what is it exactly? you have encouraged your children to like your partner, but have you encouraged them to have a positive relationship with your ex's new partner?

You must be very frustrated at the possibility of a reduction in contact with your children, I get that. But I'm not convinced you are understanding what the issues really are here and have become a massive part of the problem rather than keeping a clear head and looking for a solution.

rachiibell

Not the main issue here but make sure your daughter always has a spare P.E./dance kit at school at all times. It's a good idea to have spares when they're fairly young anyway and it means that even if mum forgets (whether accidentally or on purpose!) then at least your daughter won't have to suffer by doing it in her school uniform.

FBaby

I think your intentions are perfectly well-founded. You're a caring dad, who is closely involved in his daughter's up-bringing and wants to spend more time with them to take on both the fun and the duty related activities with them. Great.

However, if going by your post, there is a strong feel coming from you that you and your partner are the perfect parents whilst the daughter's mum and new family are not, and THAT is not going to help your daughters if your views are as strong in real life than here. The most common error separated parents make is to think that they can keep these negative feelings from the children. Children however young will pick up what each parent think of each other because communication is so little verbal compared to the rest.

You are incredibly critical of your ex on matters that frankly comes acorss as looking for reasons to be (shoes) and already starting to put your partner on a pedestral in terms of her interaction with your girls. I expect the reason why the mother is especially reluctant to give you more access is because she too can very much feel all of the above and is worried how this is going to influence on your girls.

My advice is: stay as neutral as you can be. Provide the best for your daugthers, but don't undermine what they are getting with their mum. She might raise them differently to you and that doesn't mean it is wrong. As a exemple with the Christmas cards, have you considered that maybe she asked your DD how many she needed, ask her if she was sure, and when she needed more, she reminded her that she said that all she needed and she didn't want to go out again that evening to get more, rather than the story your DD gave you? Children will make the most of manipulating parents when they know that all what they say will be taken as gospel and they can use this to their favour (as compensation for the hurt their feel hearing one parent bash the other).

So go ahead and go more contact, but raise your DD to make them feel they are lucky to have both her families, not that it is a pity that they can't be with you and your new partner full-time.

d4d74

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

What action do u think they'll take???

None, that's what. Because a court case is a expensive and bud get more than 4 days a month!

Yes I just find it difficult to understand, for example last year we both took them on a 7 day holiday. When it was her turn to have the girls for 7 days, she text me after the 5th day saying can I drop them at 9.30am on the Saturday as they are missing you a lot. I have SMS text messages from her so not making this up!


Yet she wants the girls now to wait about 12 days to see their daddy? Who is she putting first now? the girls or her own desires just because I met a new partner?

d4d74

clearingout wrote: »

why have you not edited your original post to remove the children's names and the fact that your ex was recommended to attend psycho-sexual counselling? do you not understand how this will be viewed by a court?

You need to back off with the new partner. If your ex is having an issue with a new partner, why is she attending school events, for example? This is a red rag to a bull in all but the most amicable of relationship breakdowns. Your children have two parents - regardless of whether or not you want to admit that - so accept that you will need to parent your children with your ex and not with your ex and your new partner. It's nothing to do with your new partner. Your posts read like you are trying to find the smallest of excuses to justify your ex not having residence of the children - shoes with plastic soles, lots of time spent on an ipad etc. These are parenting differences - they do not constitute abuse.

If there is an issue with your ex's new partner, what is it exactly? you have encouraged your children to like your partner, but have you encouraged them to have a positive relationship with your ex's new partner?

You must be very frustrated at the possibility of a reduction in contact with your children, I get that. But I'm not convinced you are understanding what the issues really are here and have become a massive part of the problem rather than keeping a clear head and looking for a solution.

The names were never their real names in the first place, I wouldn't of put anyones real names in such as post trust me! Also we went to relate because I thought we had a relationship problem, but it was just a load of nonsense from her side, she said she actually loved me loads and were best of friends but because of her history with her family, relationships never worked out, but this time she wanted to sort out her mental health issues regarding her past, because in this relationship very young children were involved. I think it's important to put this in, as we broke up because the girls 'did her head in' and she wanted more freedom and despite me offering to be house husband and she applied for fulltime jobs, she realised that (after applying for loads) she didn't have the qualifications for a semi decent job to pay the mortgage. Therefore we split up because she didn't want the children full time. I think that is a very important point..... even though we split up, I was round her house quite a bit helping her out and sorting things out for her, it's only since I met a new partner she has been playing all the games listed above.


But you are RIGHT! I should just let it go (frozen style!), let her do what she wants to the children. They will gradually grow up and realise what's happening and they can work it out for themselves.


I see that the government are looking at a Cinderella law http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-26814427 but for now we shall all just sit back and not care until a law might be passed.


Even though what my ex-partner has done, we are very civil (my new partner doesn't like it - but I tell her that it's for the children). We never argue and in fact on several occasions I've seen my ex-partner new boyfriend glaring at me in the car, when she is laughing on my doorstep while we chat about the children. It is a very bizarre situation!!, we are really friendly to each other, it's just she keeps getting the solicitor writing me letters. We go to shows together and parents evening, and the other parents are witness to us both laughing and joking, yet next day she's getting solicitor to write more letters to me. It is a very bizarre situation!

GobbledyGook

d4d74 wrote: »

Yet she wants the girls now to wait about 12 days to see their daddy? Who is she putting first now? the girls or her own desires just because I met a new partner?

Have you considered at all that part of the reason your girls like being with you more is because all Mum does is sort them for school?

Not getting into everything else, but when I split with my ex he wanted the children every weekend because I had them 'all' week. That would have meant I got the school morning wake ups, the early night tantrums and the job of homework police. Whereas he would have got ALL of the trips to the zoo, beach etc because outwith school holidays I wouldn't have been able to do any of that.

Children can be fickle when they are young. I know exactly how that sort of set up would have been viewed by my children - Mummy = mean and boring Daddy = great fun & wonderful.

It might not seem fair to you, but one parent having school-age children every weekend isn't fair on the other parent.

d4d74

FBaby wrote: »

I think your intentions are perfectly well-founded. You're a caring dad, who is closely involved in his daughter's up-bringing and wants to spend more time with them to take on both the fun and the duty related activities with them. Great.

However, if going by your post, there is a strong feel coming from you that you and your partner are the perfect parents whilst the daughter's mum and new family are not, and THAT is not going to help your daughters if your views are as strong in real life than here. The most common error separated parents make is to think that they can keep these negative feelings from the children. Children however young will pick up what each parent think of each other because communication is so little verbal compared to the rest.

You are incredibly critical of your ex on matters that frankly comes acorss as looking for reasons to be (shoes) and already starting to put your partner on a pedestral in terms of her interaction with your girls. I expect the reason why the mother is especially reluctant to give you more access is because she too can very much feel all of the above and is worried how this is going to influence on your girls.

My advice is: stay as neutral as you can be. Provide the best for your daugthers, but don't undermine what they are getting with their mum. She might raise them differently to you and that doesn't mean it is wrong. As a exemple with the Christmas cards, have you considered that maybe she asked your DD how many she needed, ask her if she was sure, and when she needed more, she reminded her that she said that all she needed and she didn't want to go out again that evening to get more, rather than the story your DD gave you? Children will make the most of manipulating parents when they know that all what they say will be taken as gospel and they can use this to their favour (as compensation for the hurt their feel hearing one parent bash the other).

So go ahead and go more contact, but raise your DD to make them feel they are lucky to have both her families, not that it is a pity that they can't be with you and your new partner full-time.

Well I am glad I posted here, because a few of you have mentioned this, yes I am very caring, and we had great family life until my ex decided that having an affair was better than family life. I don't hold grudges against her, in fact I am very happy now since I met my new partner and realise my ex actually did me a favour big time. Even her Nan said she is so glad I found a nice woman as she has always had a soft spot for me.


The Christmas cards is just a number of silly games, maybe my eldest was lying, I don't interrogate her, I just listen and if she tells me something weird, I just sort it out for her and I don't even approach my ex-partner out of all the SMS texts I've sent my ex-partner not one has been argumentative, yet you will see many SMS texts asking if girls need anything or helping her install the stairgates at her place as she was having trouble etcetc !


The girls are never in any discussions, trust me when we both talk on the doorstep or at functions we are chatting and laughing. I do find she is less chatty when her new partner is around, sometimes I think this solicitor action is because her new partner feels threatened by me, and by limiting my access to 4 days a month, he won't feel so threatened when we see each other less?



I agree that in any future meetings I will keep it simple, I have simple evidence to backup the girls miss me during the week and that's black/white. I will leave all the other issues aside until Cinderella law comes into place perhaps in the future. You are 100% right though and others, it's best to keep to the basics on what the children want and back this up with evidence.

d4d74

GobbledyGook wrote: »

Have you considered at all that part of the reason your girls like being with you more is because all Mum does is sort them for school?

Not getting into everything else, but when I split with my ex he wanted the children every weekend because I had them 'all' week. That would have meant I got the school morning wake ups, the early night tantrums and the job of homework police. Whereas he would have got ALL of the trips to the zoo, beach etc because outwith school holidays I wouldn't have been able to do any of that.

Children can be fickle when they are young. I know exactly how that sort of set up would have been viewed by my children - Mummy = mean and boring Daddy = great fun & wonderful.

It might not seem fair to you, but one parent having school-age children every weekend isn't fair on the other parent.

Yes I have considered it and I agree 100% which is why I've offered having them in the school week (I used to take them to school every day when we were together), but she says that's unacceptable and that I should have them just 4 days a month.


I do however wonder why she didn't miss them from 2012 until 2014, that's 2 years of a very special age. Why do you think she is only started to miss them ? (the eldest always went to school 9-3 when we split up and youngest went to nursery).