Verbal agreement child custody - now ex wants more custody?

clearingout

You are heading to court. You must amend your post and remove your children's names and consider the potential impact should your ex, or any of her family or friends, see your original post. You have just posted about abuse within her family in graffic detail giving children's names. Your ex has a right to privacy, as do your children. I don't fancy your chances with a judge in court if this has already been 'screen shot'.

I would, personally, find it hard to share care of my children with a man who was going to quibble over where shoes were bought and make a (massive) assumption that one of our children had fallen over (not whilst in his care) and bumped her head as a result of those shoes....it's downhill from thereon in, really, isn't it?

You need to accept both parents need quality time with their children. Quality time for most families means weekends. Can you not have your children during the week at all? It is fairly normal to see a child every other weekend and then one (or two) nights during the week. Offer mediation and see if you can find a middle ground. All is not lost by any stretch of the imagination at this point.

d4d74

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

I will read your full post, as i know the dilemma you face, but before she or you can go to court, you must offer mediation.

Have you done this? It sounds like no.

Also a court will likely give 1-2 evenings a week + alternate weekends, assuming no history of violence etc (which i presume there isnt) so that would be an average of 5-6 'visits' a fortnight.

Sometimes its good to have your own solicitor send a letter. more often mediation works, as these cases can reach £000's and legal aid is done for.

But dont mention this, as if she senses a fight she may make up violent allegations

I've replied to the solicitor myself as she can afford £200/hour but I can't. I've basically told them in about 8 letters sent to them that we can go to mediation, but they keep sending me threatening letters, and I keep replying please let us go to mediation but nothing much is being done. My ex-partner has now gone to the school to get their support, but unfortunately she is twisting truths and influencing our youngest. I've told the school family counseller that I'm willing to do one week at mine, then 1 week at my ex-partners but she said that would be confusing for the children? I have texts from my ex-partner saying they miss me after only 5 days on holiday with her, and even dropped them off on the Saturday even though I had agreed 7 days holiday for her as we had 7 days holiday with the children.


Theres no history of violence but if you read the first post, you will see that she tried to get me to pretend I had been violent to her so she could move out quicker and get a nice council house, but I thought at the time she was a) out of her mind b) trying to stitch me up! which is why she went for private renting (we lived together april-october until she found a suitable rented accommodation).


I have read yahoo's guide about how the woman starts off with wild allegations but I believe she doesn't want to go to mediation, every letter I get from the solicitor is not pro-active and ignores my requests to go to mediation. I have been told by school that they will use caf? to see how the children feel and discuss things amicably. However I feel the school are in favour of the mum and no matter what concerns I raise to them they don't really care as my ex-partner used to work at the school! I've had her nan on the phone saying that she feels the children are happier with me and my new partner, which I find strange considering it's her grand daughter she is going behind.


I have been told by a CAB solicitor that a court will look dimly on her not wanting to go to mediation, but I believe she will make up some lies. Yet no one really thinks smart, if she has any grounds for her lies, then why did the council give her lowest rating on the list as she was in a safe loving home, if she wants to make up stories, then how come we shared same bed and lived together while separated from april 2012 until October 2012 and I have all her txts asking me to come round and paint the childrens walls, put up wardrobes and even buy her things! yet the dad always put in dim light....

d4d74

RAS wrote: »

Hi

It is a common problems for mothers to feel that they have no down time with their children once they start school if they visit dad every weekend.

On the other hand you can ask for half the school breaks as longer period of contact.

offer medication as this is pretty much a requirmeent in this sort of situation and if hse refuses it does not look good if it goes to court.

I realise this but when I pick up the eldest on a Friday we go swimming until dinner time on occasions, if I ask my eldest what did she do after school in the week its the same 'watch tv and play on ipad' until bedtime. I ask what mummy does and she says that she sits on her ipad aswell.


When we split up, my eldest was at school full time, and I also had the youngest on the Tuesdays as my ex-partner wanted to work instead. Now I have a new partner she sends me texts saying how dare she shower the girls, which is quite ironic since the girls tell us they don't have a shower all week or bath or brush their teeth as sometimes they can't find their toothbrushes and mummy says 'you lost them you can find them' I have bought them new toothbrushes and put them in their bookbags, I am just concerned what else would go on if she has more custody of the girls and judging from what her nan said, she feels they are safer with myself and my new partner?

Confusedandneedhelp

Are u logging these letters? Proof of postage?

She doesn't have to go to mediation. And the school will not use cafcas, the courts do that. But u need evidence that u have offered mediation.

How can she afford this solicitor?

d4d74

clw1 wrote: »

As a parent I feel like weekday mornings / evenings don't give me much quality time with my son as there is lot's of rushing around & he is tired from school so I can see why she wants some weekend time. Perhaps instead of you having them all weekend you could compromise and you collect from school on Fri and return them Sat evening or Sunday morning (swap this round alternate weeks). This would give her some weekend time but also mean you see the children weekly.

Can you collect them from school midweek ? or maybe you could skype midweek to help with contact.

You mention the dance bag - why do you keep this during the week and not drop it off with the children after the weekend ??

Also it might be better to refer to your children as A & B incase your ex reads this.

Good luck - you sound like a very caring dad.

Dance Bag ? well we have very amicable split, and for a long time, I used to drop the dance bag around her house on a Thursday night along with clothes or anything the children needed. This wasn't a problem until she found out I had a new partner and then she started texting me saying 'leave it under the car as I'm in bed (at 8pm!)'. Sometimes I would say I'm just dropping it off can leave it in the porch as its raining and she's locked the porch and tells me to leave it under the car. I now take it to school on a Friday morning myself and give it to receptionist but they got fed up of that routine, so I've told my eldest to take it on a Monday and this routine is working better!


I've offered for us to share custody 50/50 but she just wants to take them away from myself and my new partner. She wants me to have them alternate weekends (4 days a month), I will become a stranger to them. I've offered to have them for 7 days and then she can have them for 7 days, I don't mind taking them to school and pick them up, I used to do it when we were together and I do all their homework with them too (another bone of contention - she doesn't bother with their homework and if I text her on occasions saying I haven't got the bookbag - the homework still isn't done and my eldest gets into trouble but the school don't do anything about it as my ex used to work there!)

meer53

You really need to be calm and allow things to take the correct course. If Cafcass are involved, they aren't really interested in who said what to who and when, they're interested in the childrens welfare and will focus on this. Unless there is any risk of harm to the children, they will listen to both sides and make fair recommendations to the courts. This usually gives fair and reasonable access to both parents.

You won't do yourself any favours by pouring out all the stuff about your ex, it just makes you look vindictive.

Confusedandneedhelp

Are you logging all of this????!!!!

d4d74

clearingout wrote: »

I would, personally, find it hard to share care of my children with a man who was going to quibble over where shoes were bought and make a (massive) assumption that one of our children had fallen over (not whilst in his care) and bumped her head as a result of those shoes....it's downhill from thereon in, really, isn't it?

You need to accept both parents need quality time with their children. Quality time for most families means weekends. Can you not have your children during the week at all? It is fairly normal to see a child every other weekend and then one (or two) nights during the week. Offer mediation and see if you can find a middle ground. All is not lost by any stretch of the imagination at this point.

Yes I've asked for the children so I can take them to school in the week and pick them up, but she has pretty much told me she wants full custody of the children. Her nan said its in spite of me finding another woman that is really good with the children, they look up to her and love her dearly. Everything was amicable until I met my new partner.


Well the shoes were bought for the Friday (she plays games but it only affects the childrens welfare), and when I picked my youngest up she had a huge black bruise all over her forehead, teacher looked very worried and said she had slipped. I told the teacher the shoes had plastic soles and in winter no grip, where were her new leather shoes? and she didn't know. I found out on the Monday my ex bought the cheap shoes (they were two sizes too big) just to play games, but the teacher said they were thinking of taking her to hospital because she slipped over very badly. Maybe it wasn't the shoes but she was fine all week until the shoes were deliberately changed?


I accept that no one really cares that the girls don't wash, brush their teeth, do any homework, eat sweets all day and sit on their ipads until bedtime all week, and a whole host of other games my ex-partner has started playing since I met my new partner, but I DO CARE.

d4d74

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Are u logging these letters? Proof of postage?

She doesn't have to go to mediation. And the school will not use cafcas, the courts do that. But u need evidence that u have offered mediation.

How can she afford this solicitor?

She moved in with her boss (whose twice her age!), he lived with his mum until she died last year and then they moved in together. She works 30 hours a week since March 2012, since she moved in with him she has quite a large income spare (I pay for all the childrens stuff at both homes).

meer53

OP, your ex will love her daughters just as much as you do. I know you'll find that hard to believe but it's true. You sound a little paranoid. There's so much bitterness in your posts.