Mum, 88, moving in, how much rent to charge?

lostinrates

duchy wrote: »

I I did when I went to live with her when she was ill and pay all the bills and let her think her minimal contribution was a full proportion of the bills if I could afford to. Thus giving her the illusion of paying her way and satisfying my belief that she shouldn't need to.

This woman runs her own house and presumably understands her costs. If she doesn't understand them then she might need help, if she does this kind of thing is deeply patronising IMO.

Also should op's mother be able and decide in the future the arrangement is not satisfactory this shielding from realistic costs of life could be used as in the worst case scenario leverage to 'keep a lock on a gilded cage' and in the best view of the op's sister to simply make return to independence and understanding of current costs.

While we might not get back what my resident parent costs us, we do say ' look money waster, turn the lights off once in a while will you?, save the planet?' or some such.

xxdeebeexx

pineapple123 wrote: »

Cant help feeling that there is a motive behind this decision from either your sister or mother.

increased involvement from the family would enable mum to remain within her own home

I have 3 siblings..


I would love the others to take a turn... it doesn't even have to be a fair turn.


dx

GobbledyGook

xxdeebeexx wrote: »

I have 3 siblings..


I would love the others to take a turn... it doesn't even have to be a fair turn.


dx

You really need to sit down with all of your siblings and your Mum and discuss everything.

It might sound great "Move Mum in, make some money from it" but having someone living with you is a big thing - even when you adore them.

What kind of visiting set up do you, your siblings and your Mum's grandchildren currently have with her? Do you have to call first or just pop in? Is that the same with your sister?

If you all currently pop into Mum's whenever you are passing, but call in advance to "book" (for want of a better word) with your sister what happens when Mum lives with sister? Can you just pop in anytime or do you now have to arrange things?

If one of you randomly wants to take Mum away for a day or a weekend or out to dinner is that going to cause trouble?

You mentioned your sister hiring a nurse for your Mum - does she need this? Who is paying for it? Who is choosing the nurse, vetting the qualifications and references? What happens if your sister likes the nurse she chooses, but Mum doesn't?

What is going to happen to Mum's house if she moves in?

What if your Mum needs more care in future? If she needs a home? Is your sister taking over the ferrying about to hospital appointments or do you now have to travel further to do that?

It's not the big things that cause problems with things like this in my experience, it's the little niggly things that all build up and add together and cause the issues.

xxdeebeexx

trailingspouse wrote: »

There is much more going on here than just the rent issue.

The rent can be easily explained - maybe your Mum doesn't want to be a burden and has insisted on paying rent, maybe it's a way of using up some of her money before inheritance tax has to be paid on it. Maybe your sister and BIL aren't as well off as they sound - do they really earn £350,000, or is this the turnover on their own business? Our business turned over £300,000 last year, but after expenses, corporation tax, salaries etc etc etc this became £46,000 (before tax) each for our own personal income - we're not badly off, but not filthy rich either!!

I think the trust issue is a much bigger one. And some of what you describe does sound a bit dodgy.

I also think you are right-royally miffed that after all your sacrifice you are being side-lined. You're also, reasonably enough, irritated that your mother will be paying your sister when I'm guessing she's never paid you anything. I know you didn't do it for the money, but still it's annoying.

Are you the sort of family that could sit down together and talk about what you're going to do with Mother? Including Mother. For example, instead of moving in with your sister and paying rent, she could pay for more help around her own home?

Also - time to get Power of Attorney sorted out. It needs to be done while she is of sound mind.

This is a very fair summery of what's going on.


Mum hasn't had any say about 'moving' and hasn't even been included in any discussions.
As for the 'rent' maybe my sister did mean 'make a contribution' to the house hold.


As for their wealth, I simply have no idea of what's true and what's not any more.


I am miffed.... I'm also very tired.
I had visions of mum staying in her own home for as long as possible and all of us helping her to stay 'independent'.


I'm not sure if our family could talk together and come to a solution. My sister is very bossy and, often, it's her way or no way.
Mum says what she thinks we want to hear.


If I ask her what she wants it's always wanting dad back, and having a pain free life.... nothing constructive as she is living from day to day and not looking ahead.


dx

xxdeebeexx

GobbledyGook wrote: »

You really need to sit down with all of your siblings and your Mum and discuss everything.

It might sound great "Move Mum in, make some money from it" but having someone living with you is a big thing - even when you adore them.

What kind of visiting set up do you, your siblings and your Mum's grandchildren currently have with her? Do you have to call first or just pop in? Is that the same with your sister?

If you all currently pop into Mum's whenever you are passing, but call in advance to "book" (for want of a better word) with your sister what happens when Mum lives with sister? Can you just pop in anytime or do you now have to arrange things?

If one of you randomly wants to take Mum away for a day or a weekend or out to dinner is that going to cause trouble?

You mentioned your sister hiring a nurse for your Mum - does she need this? Who is paying for it? Who is choosing the nurse, vetting the qualifications and references? What happens if your sister likes the nurse she chooses, but Mum doesn't?

What is going to happen to Mum's house if she moves in?

What if your Mum needs more care in future? If she needs a home? Is your sister taking over the ferrying about to hospital appointments or do you now have to travel further to do that?

It's not the big things that cause problems with things like this in my experience, it's the little niggly things that all build up and add together and cause the issues.

Wow, thank you for all your suggestions.


My sister lives 2.5 hour drive away. There will not be any 'popping'.


I phoned mum last night but my sister answered the phone. She said that mum was watching Antiques Road show and it seemed a shame to disturb her... she will let her know that I called!
I have no idea what's on my sisters mind.




dx

margaretclare

The Warfarin test is serious and should not be missed. And why has Mum been on antibiotics? So she's not as 'well' as you implied earlier, is she?

Wanting Dad back and wanting a pain-free life...yes, very understandable, but it's not going to happen, is it?

xxdeebeexx

margaretclare wrote: »

The Warfarin test is serious and should not be missed. And why has Mum been on antibiotics? So she's not as 'well' as you implied earlier, is she?

Wanting Dad back and wanting a pain-free life...yes, very understandable, but it's not going to happen, is it?

Unfortunately, it's not going to happen but at the moment she can't seem to look past that.
Yes, mum is well - precaution for an infected scratch from the garden. Things heal a bit slower with diabetes.


dx

sedment

Have to say, that the thought of charging a parent rent money is disgusting to me, sure she is of the generation that she would be quite happy to pay her way but she her mum!! Quite different if it was to a granny flat or extension that was on the sisters property which had different bills and charges etc but within the same house?
If she wanted to buy different things food brands, washing products and things like that, fair enough to buy those extras herself if either daughter took her to shops and such but no, no way!!

elsien

So if sister lives that far away, mum will also effectively lose contact with friends, neighbours, familiar GP, support systems etc?
What she needs is for every option to be explored with a big list of pros and cons for each. Then to make her own mind up without being harangued.
Bottom line though, if mum chooses for whatever reason to go along with sister, if she knows what she's doing that's still her choice unless you have concerns she is being coerced in some way. My grandmother made some very bad choices at the end of her life, but she had capacity and she chose to go along with a relatives wishes for reasons of her own. And despite social services etc trying to talk to her about her options, she stuck to her guns. We all have the right to make bad decisions, regardless of age and what other people think.


Edit - have you considered the possibility that your mum might be going with the flow because she's depressed and hasn't got the energy to battle with the conflicting points of view? Depression can easily be overlooked in older people and left untreated.

xxdeebeexx

elsien wrote: »

So if sister lives that far away, mum will also effectively lose contact with friends, neighbours, familiar GP, support systems etc?
What she needs is for every option to be explored with a big list of pros and cons for each. Then to make her own mind up without being harangued.
Bottom line though, if mum chooses for whatever reason to go along with sister, if she knows what she's doing that's still her choice unless you have concerns she is being coerced in some way. My grandmother made some very bad choices at the end of her life, but she had capacity and she chose to go along with a relatives wishes for reasons of her own. And despite social services etc trying to talk to her about her options, she stuck to her guns. We all have the right to make bad decisions, regardless of age and what other people think.


Edit - have you considered the possibility that your mum might be going with the flow because she's depressed and hasn't got the energy to battle with the conflicting points of view? Depression can easily be overlooked in older people and left untreated.

If mum really wants to stay with my sister and she is happy, then I will be delighted for her.
I am worried because my sister is keeping on at her to move in.
It's only my sister that keeps bringing this up. Mum hasn't express any desire to move. She has a lovely garden. She is close to the shops, doctors and hospital.
OK, she is fed up with me and would like to see a change of face, but surely that's where my siblings come in. If they were to come over and take a turn, I could have some time for my family and mum could have a change of conversation.


I know that mum wants to keep the peace, and I know that she can change her mind from one day to the next.


I wonder if mum is depressed. I have made an appointment to see her GP for a general check up of her pills but we have to wait a ridiculous 3 weeks for an appointment. It, might be worth asking about depression. I need to check that she won't miss this while at my sisters.....


dx