Mum, 88, moving in, how much rent to charge?

pineapple123

Cant help feeling that there is a motive behind this decision from either your sister or mother.
If they both work and mum is able bodied and cared for within her own home surely paying for private care or companion would be the next step also increased involvement from the family would enable mum to remain within her own home however does mum not want to stay alone in her home, older people have a habit of saying one thing to one person and something else to someone else, maybe sister has designs on mums home ie: letting one of her children live there or something simular doing it up, adding extension then selling etc. protecting inheritance Maybe sister is struggling financially and wants rent money to help pay morgage, credit or prop up buisness.
If really earning 350K a year charging mum rent doesnt add up.

On another note many people move in elderly relatives only to find it very difficult living and looking after them likewise some elderly find it difficult to adjust having lived independent lone quiet life.
More open discussion is required and maybe a month - 6 weeks trial stay at sisters would be of benefit.

Just to add maybe mum insisited on BIL taking the tools, vegetables, fishing rods etc but wouldnt admit this to you as said before elderly have differing reasons for there decisions however odd they can appear and will change what they say to different people. for example when I was a child a close elderly aunt gave a distant wealthy relative her colour TV we only had B&W he had 2 colour ones already but because he was a company manager he would know how to opperate a colour television so he should have it. He took it of course.

seven-day-weekend

If I were to live with my son, I would expect to pay my way, I would not expect to live there for nothing. You have to pay wherever you live.

whodathunkit

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

If I were to live with my son, I would expect to pay my way, I would not expect to live there for nothing. You have to pay wherever you live.

I agree. My mum would have felt humiliated if she'd lived with us and not paid her way, regardless of our finances. It would have made her very unhappy.

duchy

I think a lot is in the words used.
Charging rent sounds very different to paying your way.
Personally if my Mum was still alive and came to live with me I'd do the same as I did when I went to live with her when she was ill and pay all the bills and let her think her minimal contribution was a full proportion of the bills if I could afford to. Thus giving her the illusion of paying her way and satisfying my belief that she shouldn't need to.

growler834

xxdeebeexx wrote: »

Thank you for such an excellent reply. All your points are very valid and had not crossed my mind.
Mum is relatively well at the moment. She suffers from a painful back and needs to manage this with paracetamol. She manages her own insulin. Unfortunately she has recently started suffering from memory loss, but it's not too severe.


She cooks and cleans for herself, and on a good day could drive herself to the shops.


My sister plans to hire a nurse to look after mum, and someone to help with the chores.


That's all I know.


dx

So your sister is planning to take your mum out of the home & garden she loves to go live with her, but sister won't actually be around for company (as she works) and she will hire a nurse (paid for by mum I suppose) to care for her (at the moment) small needs? It appears to me that sister is happy to move mum in with her but is prepared to let a paid 'carer' look after her. If that's the case my opinion is that she isn't thinking of mum's best interest - your mum will be left in a strange house with a strange carer & that isn't good for someone elderly who is starting to have slight memory problems.

Mum's best interests, in my opinion (having gone through it for 4 years with MIL) is to keep mum in her own surroundings with care (paid or family) in place for as long as can be possible. If only 'company' is required most agencies provide 'companion' visits where they come for a chat, cup of tea or take the person out to the park etc. Your mum will have a much better quality of life that way. If she has to pay towards a carer it may as well be in her own home. It may be that sister would rather provide any care she can give under her own roof because it doesn't involve the time & cost of travelling back & forth to mum's house but that's not necessarily the best reason to move mum in. Also, mum doesn't seem to have many care needs yet so I think a 'nurse' is going over the top a bit. Has mum applied for & been granted Attendance Allowance? If not, you wouldn't have been able to apply for Carers Allowance anyway.

As I said before, get a family meeting sorted out. If you leave it too late mum may be coerced into doing something she is not altogether happy with because she hasn't been given the chance to air her views. Look into whether mum can get AA (if she doesn't already get it) so that it can be used towards paying any care visits in her own home that are required. Once she gets AA you may be able to claim Carers Allowance -
http://www.ageuk.org.uk/money-matters/claiming-benefits/carers-allowance/?gclid=CK-i0_Smob8CFYbMtAodsS8Aow
The family can always set time limits to review things - ie. leave mum in her home with care for 6 months & then review.

Good luck - it's never easy finding & agreeing to the care of a family member - just make sure your mum's views are taken into account before its a fait accompli.

margaretclare

Your Mum is just 10 years older than me, and thinking about it from that standpoint:

'Mum is relatively well at the moment. She has a painful back but manages it with paracetamol'. And your sister thinks she needs a full-time nurse? Nurses deal with illness. Where's the illness? Don't confuse a nurse with a carer.

'She does her own cooking and cleaning'. And from this, she's to be turned completely into a helpless invalid? From a woman who can drive herself to the shops she's to have everything taken out of her hands. She doesn't even need anyone to help her manage her own insulin. She's probably been doing it for herself for years, as has my DH.

Any nurse, former nurse or retired nurse will tell you: when someone can do normal things for herself it is best to let her continue. Do not ever take over the ability of a person to manage what are called the 'daily activities of living'. If you do you can easily turn someone into a vegetable. Encourage and build on what someone can do rather than taking away the abilities she has, much less the small pleasures and familiarities - her own home, her garden, her independence, her ability to do as she pleases.

People come here and talk a lot about their elderly parents - I'm not particularly blaming you, xxdeebeexx - but we never get to hear what the person herself/himself wants/needs/thinks. It's always from the point of view of a different generation who may - as your sister may - have an entirely different agenda.

seven-day-weekend

Great post, MC xx

RAS

xxdeebeexx wrote: »

My sister plans to hire a nurse to look after mum, and someone to help with the chores.

So it looks like mum will rapidly lose what independence she has? A gilded cage?

trailingspouse

There is much more going on here than just the rent issue.

The rent can be easily explained - maybe your Mum doesn't want to be a burden and has insisted on paying rent, maybe it's a way of using up some of her money before inheritance tax has to be paid on it. Maybe your sister and BIL aren't as well off as they sound - do they really earn £350,000, or is this the turnover on their own business? Our business turned over £300,000 last year, but after expenses, corporation tax, salaries etc etc etc this became £46,000 (before tax) each for our own personal income - we're not badly off, but not filthy rich either!!

I think the trust issue is a much bigger one. And some of what you describe does sound a bit dodgy.

I also think you are right-royally miffed that after all your sacrifice you are being side-lined. You're also, reasonably enough, irritated that your mother will be paying your sister when I'm guessing she's never paid you anything. I know you didn't do it for the money, but still it's annoying.

Are you the sort of family that could sit down together and talk about what you're going to do with Mother? Including Mother. For example, instead of moving in with your sister and paying rent, she could pay for more help around her own home?

Also - time to get Power of Attorney sorted out. It needs to be done while she is of sound mind.

xxdeebeexx

duchy wrote: »

I think a lot is in the words used.
Charging rent sounds very different to paying your way.

Thank you! You are spot on!
Maybe 'paying your way' was exactly what my sister meant.
There is a huge difference between the two...


It goes to show that we need to talk more openly and I need to question my sister when she says things that upset or worry me.


dx