Family members being difficult :(

maman

I've only just read your thread and I'm horrified at the names your brother called you. To me, it doesn't matter about whether he wanted time with his family or anything else: I'm disgusted.


What I would do is be civil to your brother when you can't avoid meeting him (like family gatherings etc) but otherwise be very cool and distant. If he or his GF try to make it up with you, then accept any apologies quickly and curtly but don't go all over it again. If it was me any 'relationship' in the future would always be cool as I'd never forgive anyone for speaking to me like that. And especially as you think he wants to put you down, I'd be having none of that.


You can't change your family but you can change how you react to them.

ja89

slightlyconfused1 wrote: »

ja89 wrote: »

Err... they've only been going out for 6 months, and the little boy already has a dad who is very involved in his life and sees him regularly. I'm not in the wrong here. I have been good to both of them and the little boy, and have done nothing but tried to help and be loyal, which seems to be a foreign concept for most people.

By the way you express how much you adore the little boy I assumed the relationship had been going much longer and you had a long, well established relationship with the fiancee and her son. After 6 months your brother is just at the beginning of building his family. You barely know this girl or her son. I wonder if your brothers fiancee is feeling uncomfortable with the apparent strength of your feelings towards her son and asked your brother to have a word. Your brother handled it badly but I really think he had a point (not excusing the swearing and name calling)

To be honest you sound like you feel you have the right to be included in the little boys life. I had a neighbour who thought she had the right to take my daughter places and to come places with us. She would wait for us to go out and try and walk with us (I had 3 children under 3) or offer, in front of my daughter, to take her to do fun things "while mummy looks after the boys". She kept saying things like she wished she had a daughter and started buying her things. It was totally inappropriate and totally creeped me out. I was terrified she would try and snatch her.

I really feel that the strength of your feelings, as expressed in previous posts, is quite unhealthy. The fact you ignored your brother and his fiancee and focused only on the child sends out warning signals to me.

I wasn't going to steal him

slightlyconfused1

ja89 wrote: »

slightlyconfused1 wrote: »

I wasn't going to steal him

I didn't say you were. I was just trying to show you that there may be another point of view.

Your brothers aggressive attitude has masked the fact that there may be another issue bubbling away underneath. I don't for one second defend what he said. But you need to ask why he felt he had to speak to you about this Xand why he was so upset.

You have known this woman and her child about 4 or 5 months (allowing time for your brother to get to know her before introducing her to his family). I assume the little one spends some weekends with his dad and you said your brother works at the weekend sometimes so it leaves very little "family time". Yet you felt justified in taking the mum to task because you were excluded from that limited time. You sound like you feel you have a right to a relationship with him and that she doesn't have the right to exclude you.

My neighbour made me feel very uncomfortable as she tried to insert herself more and more in to my daughter's life and I see some of her behaviours reflected in your post. I am sure she didn't mean to cause harm but her behaviour affected all of us.

missbiggles1

I certainly wouldn't get so emotionally involved with a child who's part of such a recent relationship. Don't forget that, if your brother's relationship ends (as statistically it may well do) you're likely to never see this child again which would be distressing for you but, more importantly for the child.

duchy

Why do you refer to this child as your nephew if he's not ?

On one hand you have always adored this child.....on the other the adult's relationship is a very recent one.

You can't have it both ways- no wonder your brother kicked off if you are twisting stuff around.

Maybe the Mum thinks the child has plenty of genuine aunties already and is a bit offended at you trying to claim a aunty status and act so possesive when you're just the sister of her (quite recent) boyfriend ? Your current fertility status isn't relevant.

SuzieSue

duchy wrote: »

Why do you refer to this child as your nephew if he's not ?

I assume because she wanted to be nice and include him in the family. What should she call him? Her brother's girlfriend's son? Well, I suppose she could, but calling him her nephew is much more inclusive.


It seems like her brother and his girlfriend think like you do, so she is better off keeping her distance from them.

Buzzybee90

duchy wrote: »

Why do you refer to this child as your nephew if he's not ?

On one hand you have always adored this child.....on the other the adult's relationship is a very recent one.

You can't have it both ways- no wonder your brother kicked off if you are twisting stuff around.

Maybe the Mum thinks the child has plenty of genuine aunties already and is a bit offended at you trying to claim a aunty status and act so possesive when you're just the sister of her (quite recent) boyfriend ? Your current fertility status isn't relevant.

Where did she refer to him as her nephew?

Sounds like getting serious quickly runs in the family!

SuzieSue

duchy wrote: »

Maybe the Mum thinks the child has plenty of genuine aunties already and is a bit offended at you trying to claim a aunty status and act so possesive when you're just the sister of her (quite recent) boyfriend ? Your current fertility status isn't relevant.

A few years ago, it was usual for children to call their parents' friends aunty and uncle. I'm sure it still happens so there is nothing for the mother to be offended about. Unfortunately, some people go out of their way to be offended.

duchy

ja89 wrote: »

Err... they've only been going out for 6 months, and the little boy already has a dad who is very involved in his life and sees him regularly. I'm not in the wrong here. I have been good to both of them and the little boy, and have done nothing but tried to help and be loyal, which seems to be a foreign concept for most people.

I feel like the real reason for my brothers behaviour is that he is very insecure and likes to assert his dominance to me because he knows he will get away with it (but not this time).

Yes you are in the wrong.
You are taking an inappropriate interest in a child with whom you have no blood tie or claim upon.
You are not the child's aunt-and your brother and his GF owe you nothing. They are six months into a relationship- so presumably you have known the child even less time than that.
You have no rights.
It is unclear who you tried to be loyal to .
As for "asserting his dominance" He is in a relationship with the mother of the child and appears to be protecting them both from your insistance that you can insert yourself into their (the mother and child) lives uninvited.
The swimming incident was a big hint to you that you were overstepping the mark but you seem to be ignoring it.

I assume you don't and haven't yet had a serious relationship - when you do you'll realise -until you do just focus on widening your own life so you don't feel so tempted to step on your brother's toes.

The parent child dynamic is considered primary in our society. Even a true aunt doesn't have the right to demand they be included in the nuclear family unit the way you seem to be insisting you should be.

duchy

ja89 wrote: »

Getting pressured from all sides of my family to talk to him 'cause he's my brother'. These are the people that whilst meaning well, all have dysfunctional relationships with their partners. Why do the majority think it's okay for people to treat them like !!!! and pretend it never happened?

What kind of relationship do you have with your partner ? Frankly it sounds like you have never had one.