Family members being difficult :(

thorsoak

ja89 wrote: »

Well...no apology I was hoping for one but he pretended like nothing had happened. I was very distant and just chatted with their little boy and wanted to prove a point I suppose. I love that kid though and they both know this and it made me even more angry that my brother tries to use him as a weapon even though he's not even his child. Made me long for a family of my own. I want that so badly

Just because you want a family of your own, please do not demonise your brother because he has now got a family of his own - albeit not his biological child. Yes, what he called you was extremely offensive and I make no excuses for it. But perhaps his fiancee and he found your actions towards her child to be overpowering and, to a certain extent, threatening. This little one will be your nephew and that is all. Why do you say your brother uses the little one as a weapon? That puzzles me.

Are you in a relationship? YOU say you want a family of your own so badly - please do not try and destroy the family that your brother and his fiancee are trying to build. You are the threat to them, in my opinion.

Person_one

ja89 wrote: »

No, I I thought he wouldn't need to be asked. Just really disappointed in him.

Ask him. He seems to be trying to get away with ignoring the way he acted.

ja89

BigAunty wrote: »

You sound a bit immature, too timid to raise your issue directly, longing for an apology and then 'point scoring'.

You also make it sound like you are projecting your broodiness onto them, and yes, that is bound to make them hostile. You sound a little possessive.

And since he's cohabiting with the lady and engaged to be married, how dare you write off their highly likely decision that your nephew isn't his son, regardless of a direct biological link?

Perhaps it is this kind of attitude that made him find your presence in their family so repellent (but there's still no excuse for his abusiveness and petty behaviour by going on the social event you proposed without you).

Err... they've only been going out for 6 months, and the little boy already has a dad who is very involved in his life and sees him regularly. I'm not in the wrong here. I have been good to both of them and the little boy, and have done nothing but tried to help and be loyal, which seems to be a foreign concept for most people.

I feel like the real reason for my brothers behaviour is that he is very insecure and likes to assert his dominance to me because he knows he will get away with it (but not this time).

Buzzybee90

ja89 wrote: »

Err... they've only been going out for 6 months, and the little boy already has a dad who is very involved in his life and sees him regularly. I'm not in the wrong here. I have been good to both of them and the little boy, and have done nothing but tried to help and be loyal, which seems to be a foreign concept for most people.

I feel like the real reason for my brothers behaviour is that he is very insecure and likes to assert his dominance to me because he knows he will get away with it (but not this time).

Don't throw away your relationship over a girl he's only been for six months!

ja89

Getting pressured from all sides of my family to talk to him 'cause he's my brother'. These are the people that whilst meaning well, all have dysfunctional relationships with their partners. Why do the majority think it's okay for people to treat them like !!!! and pretend it never happened?

Sarah-Jean

You've only really got three choices.

1/. Talk to him, tell him you found his behaviour unacceptable. You're sorry he felt you were interfering in his relationship but your intentions were genuine in that you just wanted to get to know his GF and her son better and thought it would be fun. However, his behaviour and name calling was totally unacceptable and the only way you feel you can move past it is to hear an apology.

2/. Get over it. He obviously has, so just accept no apology is going to come naturally from him and move on. Forgive and forget, so to speak, to keep the peace. It's only a word after all and it can only hurt you as much as you let it.

3/. Cut them all out of your life completely and forget they exist.

I don't see what else anyone can advise you to be honest. But I can tell you I had a major falling out with my brother and his now wife some years ago. Cut them out of my life and was happy with that. I only really started talking to them again due to family pressure and frankly nothing much has changed. I have virtually nothing to do with him mainly as I'm busy with my life, he's busy with his and we're totally different people who would probably NEVER get along or be friends if we were strangers or passing acquaintances. I do have to hear all about him from family members (he's the only son, so definitely the golden boy) and don't get me wrong, he's my sibling and I guess I have to love him. I NEVER got an apology from him for the things he did, and I can't get past that. I could forgive the act, but I can't forgive the fact that nobody in my family could see he'd screwed me, my children and my Husband over big time and drastically altered our future and prospects. So I'd rather remain as distant as possible.

So whatever you do decide to do, don't be influenced by pressure from family. It may be something you live to resent or regret if so and honestly, if it's not what you want you'll never feel the issue was resolved.

SuzieSue

ja89 wrote: »

Getting pressured from all sides of my family to talk to him 'cause he's my brother'. These are the people that whilst meaning well, all have dysfunctional relationships with their partners. Why do the majority think it's okay for people to treat them like !!!! and pretend it never happened?

Yes, a lot of people are like this and then go around telling everyone how wonderful their husband/partner is.


I am always suspicious when someone sings their husband's/partner's praises as I would expect my OH to be wonderful otherwise I wouldn't be with him, so there is no need to say it as it should be a given.


As I said previously, I think that you all need a break from each other and I think your brother needs to appreciate what you do. If he doesn't, then you shouldn't do it. Your relationship seemed to be very one-sided in the past with you going out of your way to be friendly and them doing the opposite.

Cottage_Economy

ja89 wrote: »

Getting pressured from all sides of my family to talk to him 'cause he's my brother'. These are the people that whilst meaning well, all have dysfunctional relationships with their partners. Why do the majority think it's okay for people to treat them like !!!! and pretend it never happened?

Stand firm.

Families find it difficult to adapt to changes in the way they relate. It is all they know.

Someone at some time has to call time on poor behaviour, and when they do they are treated as the instigator or wrong doer.

Been there myself with a parent and the 'army' of family the individual lined up to tell me how I was wrong to get me to cave. They all pandered to my parent for fear of their reaction and fear of change.

I am still ignoring sarky comments about my mental fitness both from that parent and my other parent, their enabler, because I called them out on their lies, manipulation, temper, poor behaviour, abuse and violence. They actually told people I had some kind of breakdown in an attempt to keep up the pretence of happy families. No, the scales dropped from my eyes and made a choice to put myself first not the abuser. I told everyone why I was doing what i was doing. As far as I'm concerned, if my parents had wanted me to speak better of them they should have behaved better.

I have limited contact and am much happier.

ja89

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got. My new mantra

slightlyconfused1

ja89 wrote: »

Err... they've only been going out for 6 months, and the little boy already has a dad who is very involved in his life and sees him regularly. I'm not in the wrong here. I have been good to both of them and the little boy, and have done nothing but tried to help and be loyal, which seems to be a foreign concept for most people.

By the way you express how much you adore the little boy I assumed the relationship had been going much longer and you had a long, well established relationship with the fiancee and her son. After 6 months your brother is just at the beginning of building his family. You barely know this girl or her son. I wonder if your brothers fiancee is feeling uncomfortable with the apparent strength of your feelings towards her son and asked your brother to have a word. Your brother handled it badly but I really think he had a point (not excusing the swearing and name calling)

To be honest you sound like you feel you have the right to be included in the little boys life. I had a neighbour who thought she had the right to take my daughter places and to come places with us. She would wait for us to go out and try and walk with us (I had 3 children under 3) or offer, in front of my daughter, to take her to do fun things "while mummy looks after the boys". She kept saying things like she wished she had a daughter and started buying her things. It was totally inappropriate and totally creeped me out. I was terrified she would try and snatch her.

I really feel that the strength of your feelings, as expressed in previous posts, is quite unhealthy. The fact you ignored your brother and his fiancee and focused only on the child sends out warning signals to me.