Family members being difficult :(

SuzieSue

ja89 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies, I've decided to cut them out of my life. They only ever contact me if they want something. I'd rather have nobody than be surrounded by people who are false and don't genuinely care for me.

It sounds like you all need a break from each other so this could be for the best.

Hopefully, you will appreciate each other more after the break, but if not, then cutting them out of your life might be the only solution if keeping in contact with them is too stressful for you.

BigAunty

Does the fiancee have much of a social circle?

You've given the impression of control on your brother's part to communicating with her and that's she comes across as depressed?

Could your brother's power over her extend to social control? Is it possible your brother is an abusive partner who is deliberately isolating her or does she regularly have nights out with the girls, visits to and from other family members and so on?

He seems to be closing down your friendship with her over a minor issue, apparently believing he is the spokesperson, the intermediary you have to deal with to get to her. Many abusive partners act as gatekeepers, intentionally shutting down the network around their partner, plus he is very disrespectful to you. You say they are selfish and only tend to contact you when they want something so perhaps they are one of those families that are in a little bubble, inward looking.

I wonder if he didn't pressurise her into having that day out at the water park, deliberately excluding you and publicising it on social media deliberately to show that he's the boss - apparently he was probably too busy when you first raised it but managed to make a good half day of lunch and swimming then.

Or alternatively, they jointly thought you were being cheeky and intrusive into their little world that they don't want to share with you, they made this gesture to wind you up, deliberately throwing the social event back into your face.

No-one spontaneously nips to a water-park as towels and costumes have to be packed. They could have easily called you to join them but evidentally didn't want you there. They could have easily hidden their trip but decided to post it on Facebook.

thorsoak

ja89 wrote: »

My brothers fiancee and I are good friends, she has a child from another relationship. He is 3 and I absolutely adore him. I mentioned to his fiance if we could take him on the weekend to the indoor water park nearby and she said she doesn't know as my brother is busy, but she'd ask him anyway. I never heard from them and on the weekend she put up photos of facebook of them at the water park .

I was really hurt and upset and the next day mentioned to her that i was hurt. She said they were just passing it anyway after going for lunch so it was a spur of the moment thing. We had a chat and resolved things and were fine.

The next day her fiance (my brother) tells me if I have a problem with them going places I should tell him, not his fiancee. He then said if I did it again he would do everything to stop me from seeing her little boy and his fiancee. He called me a c word a few times and said that I'm a nuisance to his girlfriend and invading on their relationship. She said before she was depressed all the time and so I thought i'd help her out with babysitting and take her and her son out for meals, and this is the thanks I get.

What should I do in this situation?

I'm sorry - but I don't see that your family is being "difficult" - your brother and his fiancee and her little boy have obviously not been a family unit for very long, as the little one is only just three - and to me, it would appear that it is important that the three of them bond together as a family unit - and that it what they are wanting to do. Your brother wants to be a dad to this little one (although he has got to learn to curb his foul mouth unless he wants the little one to be effing and jeffing all over the place) - and if he works during the week, then it is commonsense to want to be with him at the weekend.

My advice: tell your brother to wash his mouth out, and speak to you (and every other woman) with more respect - and enjoy being aunty. Leave it to them to invite you along or not - and don't make a mountain out of it all.

fivetide

I always have full family swimming kit just in case I'm passing a water park someone previously mentioned to me.


Never leave home without it for you know, those spur of the moment occasions.

KnightSmile

OP - I can see why you may feel a little annoyed about their little trip, particularly after you suggested it as something you could all do together. (and it clearly wasn't spontaneous as others have pointed out)

However, I do think you should remind yourself that a family unit or an individual can make their own decisions when planning weekend activities as its their own free time to do as they please and they shouldn't have to justify their choices to anyone.

On a more personal note, and I'm not saying this is the case with your situation but I have a friend who is very generous and friendly with her sibling's partners and she does do the occasional favour and generally makes an effort with them, however, in my opinion she can sometimes stray into become a little overbearing and feels that if they choose to do something which doesn't include her, then they must justify it, as they 'owe' her something. On one occasion her brother left his ipad unlocked and the brothers/girlfriend text messages were coming through on the ipad, my friend was using it at the time and after reading the messages for a while, my friend started joining in the conversation and honestly didn't see anything wrong with the total invasion of privacy and when confronted she was reeling off all the 'favours' she had done for them.

IMO, nobody is accountable to any other person when deciding how to spend their free time but I think in the OP's situation the fiancee and brother may have handled the situation in a more mature way. Big aunty's comment about him being potentially abusive and controlling does appear possible (given his strong reaction) but is low down on my list of likely occurrences on the basis of the available information and is more likely to be that they 'just aren't that into you' or they wanted family time together.

OP, I'd recommend that you focus your kindness and helpful energy on people who welcome and appreciate it and keep the door open to your brother and fiancee if you would still like to. Life is just too short to stew over this.

PS- I read on other posts that you may suffer from depression? If so, I really hope you start feeling more positive and healthy as soon as possible.

All the best

KS

Person_one

KnightSmile wrote: »

Big aunty's comment about him being potentially abusive and controlling does appear possible (given his strong reaction) but is low down on my list of likely occurrences on the basis of the available information

What makes you think that? After all, he was very abusive to his sister with little/no provocation.

KnightSmile

Person_one wrote: »

What makes you think that? After all, he was very abusive to his sister with little/no provocation.

As I said, its a possibility.

But we don't have all the facts to fully understand his reaction. It definitely demonstrates that he was indeed angry and his statement that he would stop contact between his sister and his fiance/her kid could just be a defensive and inappropriate reaction. And nothing more. It feels a bit of leap at this point IMO.

Person1 - are you saying that you think its the most likely explanation?

I still think at the moment its most likely from what I have read that the OP felt offended and raised this with the fiance, who then told her brother. He then phoned OP and was angry and (unnecessarily) rude but stated 'OP is a nuisance to his girlfriend and invading on their relationship', which may suggest the fact the OP got upset because her brother and his family went to a waterpark may have been the straw which broke the camels back and the brother may have felt that the OP had no right to question his fiance on how she decides to spend her weekends.

Of course it could be a completely different situation to anything already mentioned thus far.

Person_one

KnightSmile wrote: »

Person1 - are you saying that you think its the most likely explanation?

I've no idea, but I don't think its much of a leap to wonder whether somebody who is verbally abusive to his sister might also be verbally abusive to his partner.

We're not talking about him being a bit short, or snappy, we're talking about him aggressively calling her a c**t. A line most people would never dream of crossing, and he crossed it very easily, it seems.

KnightSmile

Person_one wrote: »

I've no idea, but I don't think its much of a leap to wonder whether somebody who is verbally abusive to his sister might also be verbally abusive to his partner.

We're not talking about him being a bit short, or snappy, we're talking about him aggressively calling her a c**t. A line most people would never dream of crossing, and he crossed it very easily, it seems.

I think that it demonstrates a man unable to express himself coherently and he comes across as verbally abusive whilst angry. I do agree with you that its not much of a leap to imagine he speaks in a similar fashion to his partner, however, that's not what Bigaunty outlined, as I said, the scenario she described, for me was too big a leap (based on what we know so far) and there are more likely explanations which I mentioned above.

KS

ja89

So they are all coming over tomorrow to see mum (I live at home with parents). Don't know if I should avoid them or what. Brother is acting like nothing has happened