My life has been destroyed by those closest to me.

atrixblue.-MFR-.

Mental oppression is big part in this that was sown from even before you met your wife.
You then met your wife who identified that A. you weren't a strong minded Alpha male but a emotionally broken man. B easily manipulated with a lack of self confidence. C. Would easily latch on to her with every given grace she provided you as you were looking and seeking guidance and emotional stability hence why she didn't care for what you had gone through she wanted you to dominate you as you met her criteria already and the rest was bonus material. marrying her was the best thing that could have happened as she then got confirmation of full control over you from then on out, she took advantage of your fragile state to manipulate you into sacrificing your life lines I.E all your friends to ensure entrapment.


she takes pleasure from your suffering, so no need to physically harm you, as your body is doing that all by itself for her visual pleasure and satisfaction, any excuse would do to prevent you in getting a second opinion to take that away from her as your easily oppressed mentally she plays the emotional cards of creating and giving life to seal your existing suffering.


Emotionally she's loveless towards you, she knows she has your love whatever she does to you, had you chose over her a second opinion and a relief from suffering would have been the point where she would have followed through on her threat of leaving you, and that in turn would have made you suffer also, this would have given her great satisfaction for you to chase her like a lost puppy, but as you caved in at the simple threat of her leaving you she knew right there she had control over your mind and body.


the crux of the matter really is that your now awakening to your OWN self state that you were in when you met your wife, and how she exploited it, rather than create it, you feel guilty for not acting upon it, and guilty for thinking it as your still latched on needing to love her, she is never going to apologize to you because she's not going to apologize for your own emotional and physical state that she met you in and the oppression that she simply exploited that was already there.
She indulges in the gratification of self confidence and appearance of being the domineering Alpha wife.


There psychiatric names for this type of person...........narcissist.


And whilst you sit and suffer, you know you will choose to suffer rather than loose your wife and although you recognize that it was your past before you met your wife that has set these wheels in motion you just wish to vent it on your wife for exploiting it rather than blame the parent that got in you that state and yourself for not being stronger and recognizing what was happening when you married your wife and the signs that has followed in being exploited with mental oppression.


only you can change your outcome here.

whodathunkit

:rotfl:

atrixblue.-MFR-. wrote: »

Mental oppression is big part in this that was sown from even before you met your wife.
You then met your wife who identified that A. you weren't a strong minded Alpha male but a emotionally broken man. B easily manipulated with a lack of self confidence. C. Would easily latch on to her with every given grace she provided you as you were looking and seeking guidance and emotional stability hence why she didn't care for what you had gone through she wanted you to dominate you as you met her criteria already and the rest was bonus material. marrying her was the best thing that could have happened as she then got confirmation of full control over you from then on out, she took advantage of your fragile state to manipulate you into sacrificing your life lines I.E all your friends to ensure entrapment.


she takes pleasure from your suffering, so no need to physically harm you, as your body is doing that all by itself for her visual pleasure and satisfaction, any excuse would do to prevent you in getting a second opinion to take that away from her as your easily oppressed mentally she plays the emotional cards of creating and giving life to seal your existing suffering.


Emotionally she's loveless towards you, she knows she has your love whatever she does to you, had you chose over her a second opinion and a relief from suffering would have been the point where she would have followed through on her threat of leaving you, and that in turn would have made you suffer also, this would have given her great satisfaction for you to chase her like a lost puppy, but as you caved in at the simple threat of her leaving you she knew right there she had control over your mind and body.


the crux of the matter really is that your now awakening to your OWN self state that you were in when you met your wife, and how she exploited it, rather than create it, you feel guilty for not acting upon it, and guilty for thinking it as your still latched on needing to love her, she is never going to apologize to you because she's not going to apologize for your own emotional and physical state that she met you in and the oppression that she simply exploited that was already there.
She indulges in the gratification of self confidence and appearance of being the domineering Alpha wife.


There psychiatric names for this type of person...........narcissist.


And whilst you sit and suffer, you know you will choose to suffer rather than loose your wife and although you recognize that it was your past before you met your wife that has set these wheels in motion you just wish to vent it on your wife for exploiting it rather than blame the parent that got in you that state and yourself for not being stronger and recognizing what was happening when you married your wife and the signs that has followed in being exploited with mental oppression.


only you can change your outcome here.

Strewth, not another bloody poster who puts all the vagaries of life down to narcissism! Just what the OP doesn't need!

rach_k

OP have you considered counselling or some kind of support group specific to your medical problems (online if necessary)? Sometimes talking to people in a similar situation or the loved ones of those in a similar situation can make things clearer. For example, you might find it's quite common for partners to react in what seems like a harsh and unfeeling way when faced with loss of fertility, or you may find that many people, even those very close to those suffering, simply don't understand the pain you experience. It might be common for people to have 'unreasonable' fears about the surgery. Obviously we don't know what's wrong so we can't really tell whether the way your wife reacted was usual or completely disproportionate.

I know it's hard when it seems like everything is stacked against you but perhaps some general counselling might help you realise ways to move on from your past. It's terrible that you've suffered but at some point if you want to improve your lot you're going to have to make an effort to move on from it. Sad though it is, the world is full of people who can be really nasty and they won't stop just because you don't like it. Often all it takes is a few little steps made by you to change how other people react to you.

BigAunty

FBaby wrote: »

BigAunty, if you read is previous posts, you will see that he actually came forward to talk about how wonderful his partner was and after some difficult times, was now ready for her to become his wife. The words he has written are not those of a man who suffers domestic abuse.

The problem is that he is in pain currently and is struggling to deal with the lack of control that comes with it, so is blaming the person he loves because that's safe.

...

I accept this - he might be lashing out due to may factors.

Unfortunately, I'm struggling with pages loading slowly so can't check back earlier posts. My recollection (from memory) of the OPs posts is that his partner is disrespectful and controlling, though if the OP's partner has a caring role this can complicate interpretations.

Apparently, the reason why she dissuaded him from medical attention seemed sound to him at the time but being persuaded against seeking medical advice is also listed as a potential sign for being a victim of abuse.

I'm not saying there is abuse but I'd like to play devil's advocate as I don't want there to be a bias in advice given differently to male and female posters - a lot of the posts gave the impression he needed to 'man up' and take responsibility, something that's at odds with the usual high level of empathy shown on this forum. It just kind of stood out to me that he was accused of impaired decision making and that being under her thumb was of his own making.

(And most victims of domestic abuse love their partners, they merely want the abuse to stop and have unrealistic expectations about their partner's capacity to change).

its_maths_not_magic

I don't often post here but couldn't just read and run. To be honest, I just wanted to say I am really sorry for you. You've had to go through things that would make most people crack and you're still going through them. I don't know what its like to live with such constant pain, I get annoyed by having a headache a few days in a row! I can't imagine how truely awful it must be for you. How awful many things must have been for you (I too have insane parents, its really not a picnic is it?). Add to that the level of frustration with lack of options. I simply can't imagine what it must be like for you.

I don't think there is an easy way out to be honest. Probably your best start would be to contact a helpline to find out if there are any options? I can't give relationship advice because I don't know her, but I would say that it would probably help you to come at this from a position of strength. Find out if you can live by yourself and if so, what it would take to make that a reality. If you can do that then you can decide whether you actually want to be with her if you have other options. I would suggest though trying to work on one problem at a time. I hope it goes better for you in the future than in the past, you deserve a friggen break.

z.n

Hi OP So sorry you are having such an impossibly difficult time. I just wanted to share a couple of thoughts:

My DH has had disorders affecting blood chemistry and a few very painful conditions requiring months of morphine.

morphine plus anaesthetic plus operation affecting mobility (especially if your self image is tied up with physical health and you expect yourself to be up and about doing jobs etc) messes with your mind. It can take months to get over the emotional effects of an op/pain/change in circumstances. The 'now I feel less of a man' aspect of things is just the icing on the cake and can make one very angry/resentful.

With a bit of time things may well improve and your views on life may change. Before rushing into anything maybe it would be best to let the dust settle, get your pain under control with the doctors and get life a bit more normal, then consider future steps.

Your partner may have been frightened about losing you/yes, selfish but unaware or unwilling to acknowledge the level of pain you were in/struggling to understand the change in attitude now. You will not be in a fit state to talk about things properly until your medical condition improves so you can think clearly.

Flying off the handle now might seem an appropriate and proportional reaction but sometimes you look back and realise it was the drugs or the medical condition talking. It is really, really hard living with someone who is ill, and when you are ill it is really really hard to be sure you are looking at things sensibly (been both sides of that fence). So try so far as you can to be sure if you make a decision to split that you are fully 'with it' when doing so. If your partner is as difficult as you currently feel then perhaps this is apparent to other people- if there is anyone you can discuss your feelings with (even the doctor who presumably has seen you both together) they may have some thoughts. A counsellor who helps with chronic pain etc may also be able to help you get your thoughts organised and provide some practical ways you can work out whether what you have is worth keeping.

Good luck and I really hope they can sort the pain for you.

Morglin

TrickyWicky wrote: »

Evening gang,

Well how can I put this? Both parents were screw ups who went their seperate ways when I was tiny. I got left with a pshychopath of a parent who was hell bent on destroying everything about me that might prove useful one day.

Well having had my friends removed from my life, all contact with the rest of the family destroyed or intercepted, school ruined, education in tatters, bullied senseless by others my age (and then by my parent) and generally put through the mill I had little self confidence and felt pretty worthless.

Anyhoo.. life goes on. Parent continued stitching me up and doing me constant harm to destroy my future but one day I met the missus who just didn't seem bothered by all the negativity in my life. She was great, wonderful and I fell head over heels for her. Unfortunately she did more of the same - screwed over the few friendships I did have and then some.

Anyway fast forward a bit and I've developed a health problem. Docs refused to operate but I wanted a second opinion. To put it mildly I got put on the guilt trip of my life because my missus didn't want me to have anything surgical done in case it went wrong. I was living in agony but what could I do? She was the only good thing I had in my life and I really didn't want to loose her so I was forced to not have a second opinion.

I suffered greatly for this. My health deteriorated, made life hell in multiple jobs, turned me into a cripple and convinced everyone that I was putting it on. All this while I'm silently living in agony, not telling anyone and I'm falling apart mentally while people are slating me for being some sort of monstor.

So eventually I threatened to do something really stupid and the missus agreed to let me have something done. Initially they did a minor procedure which temporarily fixed things and the rest of my health improved too. Turns out that they could have offered me this low-risk treatment years ago but just didn't want to - making me suffer instead :mad:This didn't last long though and I had to have further surgery which was more invasive as the NHS refused to repeat the first procedure - despite me asking them three times for it.

Well.. that went wrong! Nearly cost me my life, screwed my health right over, screwed over two other organs and this week I've undergone further surgery to have one of those removed. Although this latest procedure didn't go wrong, it has left me in excruciating pain and I'm unable to cope with it. The ambulance service came out one night to give me morphone, the next day the doctor (for the first time in 25 years) to give me more and I'm still suffering excruciating agony.

I've also got to undergo yet more surgery to have something else put right which will leave me in just as much pain, will physically scar me for life (again) and will without a doubt knock the little self confidence I have left.

The more I think about it, the more I keep finding myself thinking that ultimately although the docs didn't want to do anything, when I did eventually get a second opinion from another specialist years later they agreed to help me right away. What stood between this happening earlier? My missus.

I'm sick of it. All my life people have been dictating how I will suffer some form of gruelling life of mental or physical suffering and right now every muscle in my body is agony - after years of suffering already.

What do I do? She will not even acknowledge what she has done, won't apologise, finds certain (embarassing) aspects of my health problems funny, has destroyed my few friendships, backed me into a corner and ultimately left me unemployable. The few times I dare to point out the errors of her ways she invites me to move out! Not that I have anywhere to go, people to stay with or money to do it.

What do I do to live a better life? - One where I am not being tortured daily by those closest to me? Does it actually get better or am I continuing in false hope?

TW

We make our own choices in life, as adults. You are responsible for your own happiness, no one else

My ex was wrecking my health, so after 30 years, I left him - not easy, but doable (still disabled but he is not making it worse!) :T

So, if it as you post:

Leave wife
Sort health out
Find employment (if possible)
Make new start.

Or, continue as you are.

Up to you.

Lin

z.n

When someone is suffering a level of pain requiring emergency morphine their thinking is not always straight. The solutions are not leave wife then sort health- the correct order is;

sort health
speak counsellor or trusted friend to sort feelings about new post-op you
let dust settle a bit to ensure anger is not misdirected (ie anger about physical problems misdirected at loved ones)
review relationship
give OH chance to change/find new balance in relationship
review
etc
and then--- if still feel the same way with a clear head....

in any order, leave wife, find employment, new start as appropriate.

Otherwise you could be throwing baby out with the bathwater.

Morglin

I found leave husband, sort health worked, and I left the marriage in a wheelchair and very little else - but, as I said, we all make our own choices in life.

If his wife (as he posts) is affecting his health, then leaving her would have to come first.

Lin

swampduck

Whatever decisions you made in the past and for whatever reasons, be they good, bad, for your wife or whoever - you cannot now change them!! They have happened and are now in the past!! Plenty of people make decisions based on the here and now of their particular situation only to find further down the line that it wasn't the right decision. But they were not to know that at the time and you can't undo those decisions. You have to accept that those decisions were made - full stop!!! At the time it was the right decision given the circumstances at that time. The number of times I have had people say if I had my time over again - I would do this or that differently. Life's a !!!!! - it wont let you do that!!
Have your wallow in self pity - we are all allowed to do that for a while - then pick yourself up and begin to change things.
How do you eat an elephant? - one bite at a time!!
Start with yourself - you are in pain - get in contact with the people that can help with that - doctors!!
You need money for independence - start the ball rolling for applying for Personal Independence Payments/Disability living allowance.
Take one step at a time and before you know it - you will look back and see how much you have done.
It wont be easy and right now you are in a state of depression and anger and you need help - you may or may not get it from your wife - but there is one person you can rely on and that is YOU!! Take control of your life then you can only blame yourself and not every other person in your life whoever had an influence. You need not be a victim of circumstance anymore - if you make the decisions for you and you alone.
I don't mean to come across as harsh but life isn't easy sometimes - been there, got the t-shirt and worn it!! as have many other people.
I wish you much luck and hope you can turn all this around - in fact - I believe you can and will!!

Swampy