My life has been destroyed by those closest to me.

susieq87

OP, i hope you get better. you've had some lovely advice on here so no point in repeating it but i am co-signing the comments that said you seeked that relationship because of your past experiences and also you can not control what people do, only what you do. when you feel better take a long hard look at your missus, yourself and your relationship and see if its working for you. ultimately the life you live is YOURS so you have to make decisions that are good for YOU. your missus can not detect what happens in your life unless you allow her. i dont think you should blame her for what has happened, although she doesnt sound very sympathetic you did allow her to make decisions about your health for you, its not fair blaming it on her now that things have gone wrong.

wishing you well.

thorsoak

TrickyWicky wrote: »

Evening gang,

Well how can I put this? Both parents were screw ups who went their seperate ways when I was tiny. I got left with a pshychopath of a parent who was hell bent on destroying everything about me that might prove useful one day.

Well having had my friends removed from my life, all contact with the rest of the family destroyed or intercepted, school ruined, education in tatters, bullied senseless by others my age (and then by my parent) and generally put through the mill I had little self confidence and felt pretty worthless.

Anyhoo.. life goes on. Parent continued stitching me up and doing me constant harm to destroy my future but one day I met the missus who just didn't seem bothered by all the negativity in my life. She was great, wonderful and I fell head over heels for her. Unfortunately she did more of the same - screwed over the few friendships I did have and then some.

Anyway fast forward a bit and I've developed a health problem. Docs refused to operate but I wanted a second opinion. To put it mildly I got put on the guilt trip of my life because my missus didn't want me to have anything surgical done in case it went wrong. I was living in agony but what could I do? She was the only good thing I had in my life and I really didn't want to loose her so I was forced to not have a second opinion.

I suffered greatly for this. My health deteriorated, made life hell in multiple jobs, turned me into a cripple and convinced everyone that I was putting it on. All this while I'm silently living in agony, not telling anyone and I'm falling apart mentally while people are slating me for being some sort of monstor.

So eventually I threatened to do something really stupid and the missus agreed to let me have something done. Initially they did a minor procedure which temporarily fixed things and the rest of my health improved too. Turns out that they could have offered me this low-risk treatment years ago but just didn't want to - making me suffer instead :mad:This didn't last long though and I had to have further surgery which was more invasive as the NHS refused to repeat the first procedure - despite me asking them three times for it.

Well.. that went wrong! Nearly cost me my life, screwed my health right over, screwed over two other organs and this week I've undergone further surgery to have one of those removed. Although this latest procedure didn't go wrong, it has left me in excruciating pain and I'm unable to cope with it. The ambulance service came out one night to give me morphone, the next day the doctor (for the first time in 25 years) to give me more and I'm still suffering excruciating agony.

I've also got to undergo yet more surgery to have something else put right which will leave me in just as much pain, will physically scar me for life (again) and will without a doubt knock the little self confidence I have left.

The more I think about it, the more I keep finding myself thinking that ultimately although the docs didn't want to do anything, when I did eventually get a second opinion from another specialist years later they agreed to help me right away. What stood between this happening earlier? My missus.

I'm sick of it. All my life people have been dictating how I will suffer some form of gruelling life of mental or physical suffering and right now every muscle in my body is agony - after years of suffering already.

What do I do? She will not even acknowledge what she has done, won't apologise, finds certain (embarassing) aspects of my health problems funny, has destroyed my few friendships, backed me into a corner and ultimately left me unemployable. The few times I dare to point out the errors of her ways she invites me to move out! Not that I have anywhere to go, people to stay with or money to do it.

What do I do to live a better life? - One where I am not being tortured daily by those closest to me? Does it actually get better or am I continuing in false hope?

TW

You do have a choice - stay with your wife, who will not acknowledge her part in your health problems and who seems to be pulling you down - or move out and start divorce proceedings.
We encourage women in circumstances similar to yours to move on and out - even with nothing - and there are many who have done so, and who have gone on to have busy, fulfilling lives without the abusive partner. You can do the same. You cannot change the past - it is gone, you can only change your future. Good luck.

ItchyFeet

Perhaps looking at things from a different perspective might help you deal with the resentment and bitterness that comes across in your post? You have blamed other people for every thing that hasn't gone as you've wished in your life. Whilst i am by no means saying you haven't got just cause for feeling like that in some instances, there is a point where we make our own decisions and are accountable for the outcomes of those decisions. Accepting that fact might give you some peace.

FBaby

Just last week you were making a point about how much you love your partner, that she was the one and only and planned to marry her soon hence me saying your feeling are misdirected anger and frustration.

DaveTheMus

Have you tried acupuncture for the pain?

TrickyWicky

FBaby wrote: »

Just last week you were making a point about how much you love your partner, that she was the one and only and planned to marry her soon hence me saying your feeling are misdirected anger and frustration.

Yes you are right, I did say that however that does not change what she has done to me and the medical help she point blank refused to let me have years ago for her own selfish and insecure reasons.

Your previous reply is null and void too, I literally begged her to at least let me have a second opinion years ago and then deal with things from there. She refused - at a time when I was rolling around on the floor in agony. It's not all as black and white as you think FBaby.

I do love her to bits and ever since we've been together I was convinced she was the one for me however she has done me a lot of harm during the course of our relationship and ultimately I am the one who is suffering for it - as usual.

thorsoak

TrickyWicky wrote: »

Yes you are right, I did say that however that does not change what she has done to me and the medical help she point blank refused to let me have years ago for her own selfish and insecure reasons.

Your previous reply is null and void too, I literally begged her to at least let me have a second opinion years ago and then deal with things from there. She refused - at a time when I was rolling around on the floor in agony. It's not all as black and white as you think FBaby.

I do love her to bits and ever since we've been together I was convinced she was the one for me however she has done me a lot of harm during the course of our relationship and ultimately I am the one who is suffering for it - as usual.

Sorry Tricky-wicky - but YOU are responsible for your health - you begged her to let you have a second opinion? Why did you not just DEMAND it? It's your health, your body, your responsibility. Don't blame her completely - as you say it's not all black and white.

The past is the past - you should be living in the present.

NatMast_2

Ultimately, this was your decision as this was your choice to make. I am not sticking up for your partner at all as I believe she could have handled it much better than how she sounds like she has BUT at the end of the day, you made this decision. To be honest...I'd have left her if I felt that unhappy despite the fact that you 'love' her because sometimes you have to do things for yourself.

I truly feel for you having something that sounds horrendous - I would guess that you feel angry and bitter with the pain and it can be horrible to get caught in that trap.

I genuinely wish you all the best for the future.

whodathunkit

TrickyWicky wrote: »

Yes you are right, I did say that however that does not change what she has done to me and the medical help she point blank refused to let me have years ago for her own selfish and insecure reasons.

Your previous reply is null and void too, I literally begged her to at least let me have a second opinion years ago and then deal with things from there. She refused - at a time when I was rolling around on the floor in agony. It's not all as black and white as you think FBaby.

I do love her to bits and ever since we've been together I was convinced she was the one for me however she has done me a lot of harm during the course of our relationship and ultimately I am the one who is suffering for it - as usual.

Why didn't you just go and get a second opinion if you wanted one - why did you need to get your wife's permission?

tea_lover

TrickyWicky wrote: »

Yes you are right, I did say that however that does not change what she has done to me and the medical help she point blank refused to let me have years ago for her own selfish and insecure reasons.

How did she physically stop you from getting medical help though? You made the decisions - you may well have been influenced by your OH but the decisions about your health (and the rest of your life) are yours.

It's understandable to feel hurt and angry and let down by people - but eventually you have to accept responsibility for your own life. Once you do that, you can start to improve things. Things will never get better when someone else is always to blame.