My life has been destroyed by those closest to me.

Somerset

TrickyWicky wrote: »

. I've developed a health problem. Docs refused to operate but I wanted a second opinion. To put it mildly I got put on the guilt trip of my life because my missus didn't want me to have anything surgical done in case it went wrong.

So eventually I threatened to do something really stupid and the missus agreed to let me have something done. Initially they did a minor procedure which temporarily fixed things .....This didn't last long


I had to have further surgery which was more invasive as the NHS refused to repeat the first procedure - despite me asking them three times for it. Well.. that went wrong! Nearly cost me my life, screwed my health right over, screwed over two other organs and this week I've undergone further surgery to have one of those removed. Although this latest procedure didn't go wrong, it has left me in excruciating pain and I'm unable to cope with it.

I've also got to undergo yet more surgery to have something else put right which will leave me in just as much pain, will physically scar me for life (again)


.....when I did eventually get a second opinion from another specialist years later they agreed to help me right away. What stood between this happening earlier? My missus.

Look, I'm not trying to pick hole's in what you've said ......... only you know what's gone on and what it's like between you and your missus, but from what you've said I don't really get it ?


You've said your wife guilt-tripped you into not getting a second opinion in case you went for surgery that went wrong. That seems to be exactly what happened (from what you said), that they did a temp fix, wouldn't repeat it, tried something more permanent, nearly killed you, damaged an organ and left you in pain. So I don't really get it ??


Unless you are saying, if you'd got going at the beginning (when she stopped you) the outcome of the surgeries would have been different ? But I don't see how you could think or know that. Whatever was wrong was obviously dangerous to try to repair.


Like I said, I'm not in your shoes and probably don't know the full story. It just sounds like you're blaming your wife for the pain that you're in, and have been in throughout, and I just can't see how she's responsible for that ? Best Wishes though.

Hermia

TrickyWicky wrote: »

Yes you are right, I did say that however that does not change what she has done to me and the medical help she point blank refused to let me have years ago for her own selfish and insecure reasons.

Your previous reply is null and void too, I literally begged her to at least let me have a second opinion years ago and then deal with things from there. She refused - at a time when I was rolling around on the floor in agony. It's not all as black and white as you think FBaby.

I do love her to bits and ever since we've been together I was convinced she was the one for me however she has done me a lot of harm during the course of our relationship and ultimately I am the one who is suffering for it - as usual.

Whilst your wife does sound a bit of a nightmare you have to also realise that you are responsible for this decision is well. I honestly cannot think of anyone I know who would not get medical help because of their partner refusing, especially if they were in pain. Yes, you talk through your options with your partner, but it is ultimately your decision. I can only assume your difficult childhood means you have no idea how people normally behave in a relationship.

You sound very angry about everything which is not really going to help anything. The decisions made in the past re: your health cannot be changed now. You can only now move forward and make decisions about your health and decisions about your marriage. Being angry and stewing in it will only hurt you.

TrickyWicky

Oh dear now it's all my fault...

Right, she would not let me have anything done years ago because it may affect my fertility - that was the risk of it going wrong. She didn't give a stuff that I was in agony as long as it did not jeopardise her future of having kids.

The operation going wrong and nearly killing me many years later was not the proposed operation (or going 'wrong') that had been spoken of previously all of those years ago which carried the risk of leaving me infertile.

As for why I was forced to go along with her decision, it's quite simple. I was out of work and had nowhere else to go. She made it clear that it was medical help or her and if I chose to live without pain I would also be living without her. I did not want to loose her as she meant the world to me.

So for those of you deciding that it's all my fault, I was in a damned if you do, and damned if you don't catch 22 situation regardless just like I am with you lot now!

tea_lover

But the point is that you decided. Not her. She gave you an ultimatum (and I'm not saying that was right) but you then made the decision.

Everyone has deal-breakers - whether that's about fidelity, fertility, finance or anything else. It's not wrong to have a clear idea of what you will and won't live with. You had the choice of going along with what she wanted or not, you chose to go along with it.

Most important though is the fact that you can't keep looking to the past and blaming other people. If you feel this strongly that she's to blame for your health problems then why on earth are you still with her? You can't have it both ways unfortunately - it's not fair on either of you to blame her for everything but insist on staying together. Now that is unhealthy.

FBaby

So ultimately what you are saying is that she blackmailed you. That is such in contrast with your other posts when you made a point of the fact that you were not prepared to marry her just because she put pressure on you. Yet you were a weak manipulated boyfriend when it came to taking care of your own health.

Sorry but I don't buy it. I sincerely feel for you because being in severe pain is horrible but I think you are looking to blame someone for it and if you keep doing so could end up losing the one person as sod by you through all those difficult times.

thorsoak

You cannot blame someone for decisions that you made. You did have choices, you chose her way - you chose to live with her rather than without pain - your decision. We're not telling you "it's all your fault" - we're telling you to accept responsibility for the decisions YOU made. You'll never be able to move on until you do this, you will live your life, bitterly resenting your partner, and it will poison your whole life. Only you have the opportunity to change this - no-one else.

egoode

It seems to me from your original post and replies nothing is ever your fault there's always someone else to blame but quite frankly your life is what you make of it. If you don't like how things are then change them ultimately only you can create the life you want and that comes from taking responsibility for the decisions you have made and not constantly blaming someone else.

Fair enough you didn't have a great start to your life but at some point you need stop blaming your past and start being responsible for your own decisions and choices. No one can give you the life you want YOU have to go out there and make it for yourself.

TrickyWicky

tea_lover wrote: »

But the point is that you decided. Not her. She gave you an ultimatum (and I'm not saying that was right) but you then made the decision.

No I didn't. She did. She knew I did not want to loose her and she made the decision which was then forced on me. It was as simple as that.

FBaby wrote: »

So ultimately what you are saying is that she blackmailed you. That is such in contrast with your other posts when you made a point of the fact that you were not prepared to marry her just because she put pressure on you. Yet you were a weak manipulated boyfriend when it came to taking care of your own health.

Blackmailed isn't really the right word to use in this context is it and as such has just shown that your understanding of this situation (and the use of the word blackmailed) is limited. May I remind you that (seeing as you like crossing threads) you were the one who was unhappy with me because I did not cheat on her! I don't really take anything you say as being credible to be honest.

As for the pressure, yes she did put pressure on me - not to have my health looked after for one and this was at the time a very big issue for me delaying marriage - just as it is right now while i am still suffering for it. You say I'm a weak and manipulated boyfriend - far from it. Yes I had to put up with her BS but I was strong enough not to be forced into an unhappy marriage and that is exactly what it would have been.

You FBaby cannot see the the wood for the trees.

thorsoak wrote: »

You cannot blame someone for decisions that you made. You did have choices, you chose her way - you chose to live with her rather than without pain - your decision. We're not telling you "it's all your fault" - we're telling you to accept responsibility for the decisions YOU made

No I never had that decision and quite frankly I wish I'd called her bluff and gone for a second opinion now after everything thats happened to me.

TrickyWicky

egoode wrote: »

It seems to me from your original post and replies nothing is ever your fault there's always someone else to blame but quite frankly your life is what you make of it. If you don't like how things are then change them ultimately only you can create the life you want and that comes from taking responsibility for the decisions you have made and not constantly blaming someone else.

Fair enough you didn't have a great start to your life but at some point you need stop blaming your past and start being responsible for your own decisions and choices. No one can give you the life you want YOU have to go out there and make it for yourself.

Would you like to tell that to children starving in 3rd world orphanages? The disabled, those suffering from famine?

"Hey gang, sure you didn't have a great start in life but you have to take some responsibility here for this mess - only you can sort this out.. and while i'm here I have brought water, seeds and tools for hire just £19.99 per day - and i can finance that for you for just 5454% plus a 500% arrangement fee.."

My point is that people cannot continue holding the surpressed responsible for the **** they are forced into and then telling them that only they can sort it out. It is immoral to continue behaving towards fellow people like this as if they're worthless dirt.

tea_lover

TrickyWicky wrote: »

No I didn't. She did. She knew I did not want to loose her and she made the decision which was then forced on me. It was as simple as that.

That, frankly, is BS. She made her 'demands' (for want of a better word) clear, you then chose to go along with them. You were free to leave at any point, you were free to disagree with her and go your own way. You didn't want to do that as you didn't want to split up - fine - but you can't then say it wasn't your decision in the first place.

If a poster started a thread with this scenario what would you think...
"My OH never wanted children but I really did. He made it clear that it was children or him, and I didn't want us to split so I chose him. Now I'm angry at him for ruining my life"

Do you not think some of the replies would be along the lines of "you made that decision, you can't blame other people for it"?

You can stay angry and resentful all you like - but it's only yourself you're hurting.