My life has been destroyed by those closest to me.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

It's not her fault you had crap parents. It's not her fault you were ill. Its not her fault the first set of doctors were wrong. It's not her fault the third set didn't fix things.

None of these things were your fault either.


But instead of raging about how unfair it is that she can't make it all better, how about looking for ways to change your situation yourself?

Disabled people can live alone. They can contact adult social services, adult mental health services, the council housing department.

You have your own income - DLA, ESA, etc. So you'll have enough to live on. Shopping can be done online, as can utility payments. If you need physical care, you can pay for it or get help with it through adult social services.


I would suggest you do it soon, as, if your interpretation of events is accurate, you need to get out of there and, if not, well, There's only so long somebody can tolerate being blamed for everything that's happened to somebody else.

fivetide

FBaby wrote: »

Clearly you have an issue with not wanting to hear what doesn't agree with what you say. If you can't see that making the demands that you don't have surgery against your will or she will leave you IS blackmail then I don't know how you can be helped. I'm still sorry that your in such pain but stands by my views.

This.

Sorry Tricky but you've come on asking for opinions and advice but yet each time someone offers either of the above you shoot them down. I can't help wondering if you had been so forthright with others where it counted (as opposed to people who are genuinely trying to help) you might not be in this situation now.

BigAunty

I feel that if you were a woman coming onto this forum outlining how pressure from a partner made you postpone a medical procedure and who is disrespectuful, you may have received more sympathy. However, society finds it much harder to recognise and cope with potential domestic abuse towards males, if that's what you are experiencing.

Though this is a website aimed at women, the following checklist may help you confirm whether or not you are in an abusive relationship or whether you are just in a conventional relationship which happens to have issues.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310004

Here are links to support organisations for men if you determine that you are in an abusive relationship.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=0001000100130041

You may benefit from contacting the Samaritans.They offer a free and sympathetic ear to anyone who is going through an emotional crisis. Although they are strongly (and perhaps wrongly) associated solely with suicide prevention, they actually welcome calls from anyone who feels distressed to get things off their chest.

You could also look into getting counselling because your childhood issues are impacting your adult life. Ask your GP for a referrel.

At the moment, due to the physical and mental pain you are in, you are stuck somewhat in the past and feel the future is bleak. Your decision making is compromised. With support, you will be able to draw a line in the sand about past events rather than continue to be caught up in them. You will learn strategies and techniques that also stop mental patterns that make you frightened about the future. You will learn how to better control negative thought patterns and how to live more in the moment.

You do need expert support for your medical and emotional issues. I would encourage you in the longer term to look into things like meditation and mindfulness which are forms of mental training, perhaps after or in tandem with counselling and support rather than instead of.

Don't come to them with unrealistic expectations of instant cure. It's more about gradual general well-being and acceptance of different emotional states rather than a fix for specific mental health or emotional issues. You get to see much more clearly how the mind works (including how it tricks, deceives, tries to take over).

It doesn't mean that your issues are imaginary, just that it's possible to watch how things are moving rather than getting caught up and overwhelmed by thoughts, how to be kinder to yourself and compassionate to others (including those that try to hurt you).

I recommend the following starting points:-
-Try your local Buddhist temple for beginners courses in Meditation and Mindfulness or google for more secular ones.
- Listen to the guided Meditation series on Youtube by Jonathan Kabat-Zin
- Look up the Headspace website
- Read 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle
- Read the website of Shinzen Young, in particular the information on how mindfulness helps with coping with physical pain, how to drill down to the 'pure pain' without adding extra suffering to it by the futile process of trying to resist it.

FBaby

BigAunty, if you read is previous posts, you will see that he actually came forward to talk about how wonderful his partner was and after some difficult times, was now ready for her to become his wife. The words he has written are not those of a man who suffers domestic abuse.

The problem is that he is in pain currently and is struggling to deal with the lack of control that comes with it, so is blaming the person he loves because that's safe.

It's like my boy who is an angel at school or anywhere else, but can show such level of anger and blame towards me at times (everything becomes my fault ). When I asked him why he takes it on me, he said that it was safe to let his frustration out on me because he knows that no matter what I will always love and be there for him...

theoretica

I think it is significant that the OP is in a great deal of pain and on morphine - no wonder his posts have changed from previously. I hope any woman posting similarly would be advised not to make final life changing decisions while under the influence.

Tricky, I hope you are soon back to a physically more comfortable state -if you want a moral support team for moving out or standing up for yourself it will be here!

TrickyWicky

FBaby wrote: »

BigAunty, if you read is previous posts, you will see that he actually came forward to talk about how wonderful his partner was and after some difficult times, was now ready for her to become his wife. The words he has written are not those of a man who suffers domestic abuse.

As much as I'd like to argue this, FBaby is right.

I love her to bits but at the same time (as I also stated in that thread FBaby) she has caused me immense suffering at the same time. It is possible for both to happen you know.

TrickyWicky

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

You have your own income - DLA, ESA, etc. So you'll have enough to live on.

If only!

The last time I checked my income per year it was precisely £0.

Things have not improved since then either.

I am truly stuck in the **** but I suspect someone will be along shortly to tell me just how many [non-existent] options I still have left!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

TrickyWicky wrote: »

If only!

The last time I checked my income per year it was precisely £0.

Things have not improved since then either.

I am truly stuck in the **** but I suspect someone will be along shortly to tell me just how many [non-existent] options I still have left!

So claim. And appeal/reclaim if necessary. Be responsible for yourself.

FBaby

TrickyWicky wrote: »

I love her to bits but at the same time (as I also stated in that thread FBaby) she has caused me immense suffering at the same time. It is possible for both to happen you know.

I can understand that, but ultimately, your love for her must be stronger than the pain for you to stay and look foward to your future with her.

I really think you need to tackle the pain you are dealing with. Pain will make you feel helpless, and that will extend to your whole life. It is part of the pain induced depression people suffer from. I can respect you not trusting doctors any longer, but they are the ones who can help. You need to put pressure on them (rather than the missus!) so you are reasussured they really are doing everything to help you.

daisiegg

One thing I'm not sure anyone has mentioned...you are blaming her for not 'letting' you get a second opinion when you were first unwell, but surely there is no guarantee that the 'second opinion' would have been any different from the first?

I am very sorry you have been through such rubbish, but I agree with others who say there is nothing to be gained from picking apart the past and trying to place blame. You need to figure out how you can move forward now. I wish you luck.