My life has been destroyed by those closest to me.

TrickyWicky

Evening gang,

Well how can I put this? Both parents were screw ups who went their seperate ways when I was tiny. I got left with a pshychopath of a parent who was hell bent on destroying everything about me that might prove useful one day.

Well having had my friends removed from my life, all contact with the rest of the family destroyed or intercepted, school ruined, education in tatters, bullied senseless by others my age (and then by my parent) and generally put through the mill I had little self confidence and felt pretty worthless.

Anyhoo.. life goes on. Parent continued stitching me up and doing me constant harm to destroy my future but one day I met the missus who just didn't seem bothered by all the negativity in my life. She was great, wonderful and I fell head over heels for her. Unfortunately she did more of the same - screwed over the few friendships I did have and then some.

Anyway fast forward a bit and I've developed a health problem. Docs refused to operate but I wanted a second opinion. To put it mildly I got put on the guilt trip of my life because my missus didn't want me to have anything surgical done in case it went wrong. I was living in agony but what could I do? She was the only good thing I had in my life and I really didn't want to loose her so I was forced to not have a second opinion.

I suffered greatly for this. My health deteriorated, made life hell in multiple jobs, turned me into a cripple and convinced everyone that I was putting it on. All this while I'm silently living in agony, not telling anyone and I'm falling apart mentally while people are slating me for being some sort of monstor.

So eventually I threatened to do something really stupid and the missus agreed to let me have something done. Initially they did a minor procedure which temporarily fixed things and the rest of my health improved too. Turns out that they could have offered me this low-risk treatment years ago but just didn't want to - making me suffer instead :mad:This didn't last long though and I had to have further surgery which was more invasive as the NHS refused to repeat the first procedure - despite me asking them three times for it.

Well.. that went wrong! Nearly cost me my life, screwed my health right over, screwed over two other organs and this week I've undergone further surgery to have one of those removed. Although this latest procedure didn't go wrong, it has left me in excruciating pain and I'm unable to cope with it. The ambulance service came out one night to give me morphone, the next day the doctor (for the first time in 25 years) to give me more and I'm still suffering excruciating agony.

I've also got to undergo yet more surgery to have something else put right which will leave me in just as much pain, will physically scar me for life (again) and will without a doubt knock the little self confidence I have left.

The more I think about it, the more I keep finding myself thinking that ultimately although the docs didn't want to do anything, when I did eventually get a second opinion from another specialist years later they agreed to help me right away. What stood between this happening earlier? My missus.

I'm sick of it. All my life people have been dictating how I will suffer some form of gruelling life of mental or physical suffering and right now every muscle in my body is agony - after years of suffering already.

What do I do? She will not even acknowledge what she has done, won't apologise, finds certain (embarassing) aspects of my health problems funny, has destroyed my few friendships, backed me into a corner and ultimately left me unemployable. The few times I dare to point out the errors of her ways she invites me to move out! Not that I have anywhere to go, people to stay with or money to do it.

What do I do to live a better life? - One where I am not being tortured daily by those closest to me? Does it actually get better or am I continuing in false hope?

TW

Brighton_belle

I don't have any answers TW, but I am so sorry you are in so much post operative pain - that will make everything seem even more desperate. Can you get more help tomorrow for the pain?

BitterAndTwisted

Your wife sounds utterly vile. Why spend your life voluntarily around people who actively cause you harm? Especially hard whem your formative years appear to have set a destructive pattern for your adult relationships.

I think you should look into how you can extricate yourself from this damaging relationship, either via though physical health grounds or your mental health. Sounds like you've a fair bit you need to tackle and I expect you're going to need specialist help with that.

There is a better way to live your life and making a start on your own seems only sensible to this outsider.

Good luck.

Georgiegirl256

Aww mate, I'm so sorry to hear about all the !!!! you've been through. I don't know what to suggest apart from perhaps get rid of your missus. I know that sounds harsh and flippant, but living around such negativity is going to do nothing but bring you down even further.

Your partner should support you and be there for you through the hard times and it really doesn't sound like this is the case.

I hope someone comes along who can offer you some better advice and a glimpse of hope for the future. All the best do good luck.

KatieDee

If you feel as though the relationship is detrimental to your health, you should remove yourself from it. I know you mentioned not having anywhere else to go, but you could speak to your local council to see if they will help. You may be in a higher priority due to your health problems and you might be able to secure a property of your own.

Your story is very sad and I do sympathise, but you cannot let the past ruin your future. Start focusing on yourself, realise that you cannot be responsible for the actions of others. Some people are just terrible people...ditch them and look for people who enrich your life instead.

I wish you the best of luck whatever you choose to do.

Vicky123

Google trauma bonding, apparently being raised by an abusive parent makes future abuse in adult relationships more likely.

Tahlullah

Sorry this has happenned to you but Vicky is right. There is something within us that means we seek to perpetuate what has happened to us previously. Not actively, it just happens.

An example would be women who eventually gather the strength to leave an abusive partnership, somehow manage to meet a new partner who is just as abusive and controlling, even though they have moved from one end of the country to another.

Yes, you should get away if you can. But you must also acknowledge that you subconsciously sought a partner that would offer a similar environment to the one you grew up in. And it is more likely than not, that when you leave, you may do the same again, unless you seek help and counselling.

Best of luck with your decisions in the future.

JessicaWright

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. What i can do is pray for you to move on and every thing will be alright in downtime.

FBaby

Your in pain right now it makes you angry and you want to blame someone. Of course it is not your missus fault. She told you she was concerned about you going for the first op and you left it to that. You could have done research ask her to go to the specialist with you and explained to her in great detail how much if affected your life hence not being able to consider marrying her. Ultimately you had the choice to tell her that you respected her view but that you needed that op and would go with it.

Remember that passing on your internal pain and anger is not going to help you. If your missus isn't supportive then take more time to explain to her how affected you really are. Stop suffering in silence and then biting those around you and get all the help you can from the doctors.

marisco_2

TrickyWicky wrote: »

What do I do? She will not even acknowledge what she has done, won't apologise, finds certain (embarassing) aspects of my health problems funny, has destroyed my few friendships, backed me into a corner and ultimately left me unemployable. The few times I dare to point out the errors of her ways she invites me to move out! Not that I have anywhere to go, people to stay with or money to do it.

What do I do to live a better life? - One where I am not being tortured daily by those closest to me? Does it actually get better or am I continuing in false hope?

TW

What a brave person you are OP, coming on here and seeking help and advice. No doubt stronger than you may think, or feel you are capable of being right now too. Few people could endure all that you have and still continue to cope with.

I think it is horrendous that your wife, the one person you should be able to rely upon without question to love, support and be your absolute rock through life, treats you with such cruelty and contempt. How anyone can do that to their life partner is beyond comprehension to me.

I felt so sad and very sorry for you when reading your post. Here is a link to an organisation that may be able to help you.

www.mankind.org.uk

All the best to you

philgr

I've just got out of what was a rotten relationship after 14 years. The mental health problems i was experiencing have improved significantly, I've a wonderful, loving New partner and I'm surprised at how easily and significantly my life has changed.

I sincerely hope you can find the outage to think about yourself for a change. You shouldn't have to beg for a medical procedure to make your life better. I would also question the effect on your overall health, not just physical health that such a life would have. I'm going to say you've shown you recognise the need for change by posting on here, it's just you're almost seeking validation for your thoughts as you're that conditioned to feel wrong or selfish by thinking of your own needs that you're almost ashamed to have done so

Good luck mate. We're here to help

Phil