Just needed to be heard for a little while

lostinrates

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

I would never fully turn my back on anyone that was trying.

I think that's an interesting point for discussion.


I Would, for more than one reason.

Sometimes relationships just don't work. Too much water under the bridge, too much hurt, too much history, and the personalities involved find it hard to get past that. Maybe because of vulnerability, defensivness, maybe because of different outlooks or ideals...there are various potential 'fuses' that can trigger in such many timed glued relationships. Sometimes to enable the party, or indeed, both parties, to progress better the weight and guilt of a relationship ( what ever it is, family...marriage, oldest friends, ) has to be let go.

Then of course while people might not be being successful often they are trying to get through each day / life as best they can just not in a way we like or approve of :rotfl:

And importantly. I cannot be there for everyone.
In making the decision for my first point a heart breaking time I found I suddenly had an immense freedom. The ceasing of the periods of time where the phone might ring all day....and the fury when I couldn't take the calls.....I couldn't do it all and keep my life on track.


Saying no is not always cruel. So etimes it saves situations...gets people help sooner. 'Turning away' is very emotive language. Sometimes its turning towards something better for ourselves. Perhaps this also is another face of 'we are not this important' and just as there are things we cannot control there are people we cannot support...situations that aren't healthy for us/ those in them.

Pyxis

lostinrates wrote: »

Sometimes relationships just don't work. Too much water under the bridge, too much hurt, too much history, and the personalities involved find it hard to get past that. Maybe because of vulnerability, defensivness, maybe because of different outlooks or ideals...there are various potential 'fuses' that can trigger in such many timed glued relationships. Sometimes to enable the party, or indeed, both parties, to progress better the weight and guilt of a relationship ( what ever it is, family...marriage, oldest friends, ) has to be let go.

I agree wholeheartedly.

Pyxis

The Vulcan approach to Christmas! Go Spock, Go

heartbreak_star

*sneaks back in*

Sorry guys, I had a poorly relapse and ended up in hospital with cannulas in and all sorts on Monday! All for a bout of tonsillitis that got a bit uppity and decided it was better than me

Anyway, back again Am SO glad to hear about Milliefleur's care, WaS! And loving the fact WaSp seems to have a weight off his shoulders now Please keep us updated, the little stories have me giggling!

HBS x

Errata

BIL's world has been turned upside down, the certainties have gone. He can't predict the future now, he may verbally lash out at all and sundry or he might start drinking even more to self-medicate.
All the years of heavy drinking have probably affected his brain function or even inflicted brain damage, that's not unusual with long standing heavy drinkers of his age. Don't expect him to be rational about anything, he won't be able to, an example is him drinking so he can visit his mum in hospital without rationalising that turning up drunk was the worst thing to do.
I feel quite sorry for him too. He's behaved the way he has because his mum allowed him to. I know that may sound harsh, but that's the fact of the matter.I hope from now on his mum is safe and he can find some help with his drink problem.

codemonkey

Errata wrote: »

I feel quite sorry for him too. He's behaved the way he has because his mum allowed him to. I know that may sound harsh, but that's the fact of the matter.I hope from now on his mum is safe and he can find some help with his drink problem.

I agree with this point. One of my brothers is a total richardhead. He behaves so badly and irresponsibly and my mum and dad supported him time and time again and now that they're old and need help, he's not interested. If my parents had done with him what they did with the rest of us and told him off for behaving so badly, he might be a better person - but everything was someone else's fault. The time he got in trouble and nearly went to prison - his friends were bad and led him astray. The trouble with women and having multiple wives - they're all bad women. The way his kids behave - all their mother's fault because she was not a good person, even though she was out of their lives from when they were very small. When he was visibly smoking hash all the time - it was medicinal. But, the blame is also on him, as he made the choices that led him there - nobody made him rob houses, nobody forced him to marry the women he picked, in fact, he was warned time and time again not to marry them, and nobody forced his to smoke weed around his children. Similarly with BIL, nobody forced him to make the choices he has made for his life. Admittedly, he's too far gone now to be able to make good choices, but long-term, this is a good thing for millefleur and he'll just have to get used to it. Perhaps he'll be able to get some help too.

codemonkey

Hi hbs. Sorry you've not been feeling well.

Here are my very muddy wellies in the snow on our dog walk this morning.



And here are my footprints and dumbass dog's paw prints.


It's deeper now because it's a blizzard out there.

And yes, I do have massive feet!

Joanthebone

But nice wellies!!

whitewing

codemonkey, I love those photos.

We don't have snow and I don't want any until Christmas week.

I just did my (hopefully) last bit of Xmas shopping.

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, get well soon, HBS! Big hugs.

I love the snow pics! Snow is so pretty! Dumbass dog's footprints are adorable!

I am back to being annoyed with BIL again today because now I have a very guilty WaSp. He mostly understands why BIL said what he did about how WaSp caused this by not doing more but he is also saying he didn't have the time, he lives so far away, it's not that he didn't care. I am doing my best to reassure him, it is difficult for him seeing the changes in his mum's care, too.

I have managed to stay away from BIL now and haven't seen him for 6 years. I have only spoken to him once since then on the phone when his cat was badly injured and he was crying, as I said if it is a problem that isn't made by his actions I will be there, if only a limited self-protecting way. It is possible that I may never meet with him again, I simply can't because he makes me ill. But if he turned things around or at least tried then I may give it another try, although it will be very cautiously and I do have resentment and I really don't trust him. If things don't change then he will only be a part of my life through WaSp's meetings with him, I have to do that to protect myself.

Milliefleur is sadly a lot to blame for this, although she has caused it with the most loving intentions in the world. She has huge guilt at the life her children had with their father, he was physically abusive to them and her. BIL being the oldest saw and experienced more than the others and she is convinced that is why he has problems now. Both her children and her had a very hard life for a lot of years before she managed to get away and she is still trying to make it up to all of them, in her daughters case she financially supports her almost entirely, in BIL's case she forgives him anything and will never criticise. With WaSp she is happier because she knows he has gone on to have a successful relationship with me so her guilt is eased. Really the whole situation is very sad for everyone. BIL is very similar to his dad and defends him totally, I presume it is his way of coping with the fact that he was treated very badly. He may also see some of his dad in himself so is trying to cover for it but I am not sure how deeply he thinks.

Now I shall go back to reassuring WaSp that he did all he could and to ignore BIL telling him this is somehow his fault.