Just needed to be heard for a little while

jobbingmusician

Hope it's not too bad, elsien! *fascinated to know who the employer is, and has a strong bet on it being one particular provider*

WaS, Millefleur's arrangements sound fab! Sooo glad things are working out (and that BIL is so discomfited chuckle chuckle).

whitewing

I feel a little sorry for BIL too though, without condoning any of his bad behaviour.

If he came onto MSE on another thread (I don't men that he will, just if he did) I am sure we'd help him too deal with all his concerns and feelings too, even if he expresses his hurt through aggression and anger. It is awful to feel discomforted - I'd hate it if a team of people showed up to care for my DH. I used to feel p'd off when his mother lived near us and gave him a packed lunch for work as I felt threatened by the situation.

It may help BIL if his contribution is acknowledged by all and sundry. At the end of the day he did enable WaSp to be with you most daytimes.

Waves_and_Smiles

I actually feel a little sorry for him myself, but a lot of that I admit is buried under of years of resentment and panic. As I have said I spent a very long time trying to help him, being there to listen to him and being there while he self-harmed and smashed things up around me. Eventually it was making me ill to continue and still he keeps repeatedly refusing help.

However, underneath all of the alcohol and anger he does have some good qualities. If he was willing to make a real effort to sort out his life then I would support him in that, I would never fully turn my back on anyone that was trying. I do think that he feels pushed out now and in a way it is even sadder that he doesn't seem to realise why his care duties have been taken over. Right now he is very angry at all of the agencies involved, but he cannot see that his behaviour was putting Milliefleur at risk. Also, not very pleasantly he blamed WaSp for not helping him more with caring for her and says this is why it has happened. He told Wasp that if he went back to caring for her every night they could get back to normal, even without me in the picture I doubt that would happen. He is throwing blame everywhere rather than realising turning up very drunk for hospital visiting and the cat flea pill drama probably didn't give the best impression. I do find it sad.

Perhaps this might force him to take stock of his life. Honestly, he does need to do it because I am unsure what might happen to him when Millielfleur isn't with us anymore, she has supported him his entire life and he is still very financially dependent on her and also emotionally because she offers him total acceptance no matter what he does.

whitewing

Maybe having the carers around will expose him to have to occasionally listen to someone else's point of view.

I tend to find with my extended family that I can tell them something until I am blue in the face. If I say it in front of someone else, they somehow don't realise that it is from me and therefore don't reject it as me being me.

There is a very cute pug mug on Hawkin's bazaar - can't remember if we posted it before.

Waves_and_Smiles

WaSp and I were discussing earlier if perhaps hearing from a carer that his behaviour wasn't helpful might make a difference. If Milliefleur told him we also think he would listen but she never would, she won't even tell her other children that he does anything wrong and tells them off if they criticise him. She will rather guiltily complain about him to me, however. It's a shame because I think if she sat him down and told him he has to change his life it might make a difference because he has always relied on her to tell him that he is a good person. As harsh as it sounds taking away the last justification he has could make him try to get better.

A pug mug! I must see!

Ps. It looks like Santa's Grotto in here. I did start off with a colour theme but now it is like living inside a rainbow. I like it! Did I mention 4 sets of fairy lights? If the letting agent turns up I shall tell him I am mentally ill, please humour me! (Lucee helped me decorate, I blame her).

whitewing

millefleur may tell him if the carers convince her to. Surely she worries about what will happen to him?

Waves_and_Smiles

She worries constantly, she worries about all of her children. She thanked me for staying with WaSp and said he is the only child she isn't too worried about because he has me. She doesn't think BIL will cope without her but at the same time won't challenge his behaviour because she blames it on the fact that she stayed with their abusive father for a lot of BIL's childhood. It probably does have some bearing on why BIL turned out as he has, his refusal to accept help however is entirely due to him. Incidentally, BIL won't have a word said against his dad. Sadly, they share the same alcohol addiction and aggression.

Pyxis

WaS, I know from what you've said in the past that you had tried to help BIL for years, but there comes a time when you need to give up, and that's when those efforts are all in vain and are making you ill. And that, quite wisely, is what you did.

As you say, it is his alcohol addiction that is clouding his thought processes and he cannot see further than his next drink.

The help is staring him in the face if he wants it. But he doesn't want it. You cannot help an alcoholic who doesn't want help.
Even this latest event, with help coming for MiL, hasn't been a wake-up call for him - he's still blaming everyone else.

Yes, we know that deep down he's terrified and the best way to deal with that terror is to blame others and drink himself into a stupor. But without him reaching out for help, no one can do anything. And while MiL is around to cater for his every need, either knowingly or unknowingly, he has no reason to ask for help.

So there's no reason for you to feel you should have done more, or could do more.......certainly at the moment you can't, nobody can. You've done loads for him and he has chucked it away.

No, MiL is the priority now, and it looks like she's going to have a really good quality of life from now on!

Tell her she's got TeamMiL behind her! Go! MiL! Go!

(I bet her life story would make interesting reading! There's another project for you!)

codemonkey

Woohoo. Its snowing here and lying! I love snow. DH gets very grumpy about snow though.

Pyxis

codemonkey wrote: »

Woohoo. Its snowing here and lying! I love snow. DH gets very grumpy about snow though.

We want proof of this 'ere snow!
Pic please!:D