Just needed to be heard for a little while

Pyxis

OK Mum, what Christmas hat have you got me?

Is it this one?.......




Or could it be this.........?



Or.........perhaps it will be this......



I bet it'll be this!.......


What's it goin' to be, Mum?

Popec5

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

I started this thread when I was lonely and suffering with mental health issues and was lucky to find a wonderful group of amazing new friends who now mean the world to me. My name was Worried and Scared back then but with the help of everyone here I became Waves and Smiles. This thread is no longer just about me, it is about all of us and for anyone who needs mental health support, their carers and anyone who is interested in learning more. Sometimes we speak seriously, sometimes we offer gentle advice and a lot of the time we laugh together. Sometimes I write mini-novels about my experiences of living with complex mental illness. What is important is everyone here is there for each other. New posters are welcome to join in, or just lurk if they would prefer. This is a place without judgement or pressure, and a safe place for everyone. We try to keep abbreviations to a minimum but if there are some that you do not understand please ask.

Sir Pugliet is our Good Mental Health pug! You may notice that he is mentioned from time to time, he is a little cuddly pug toy that was sent to me by a friend on the thread. He is something of a celebrity now!

Hugs and warm handshakes, whichever you prefer.

---

I have a lot of physical and mental illnesses that I have listed on the Disability forum so I won't bother going through them again. My partner is also a carer for his mother and she is particularly unwell at the moment so he is having to spend the weekend with her. I only have other carers during week days which means I am alone until Monday.

Today is a bad day, this world doesn't feel real, it feels like I am dreaming and I am about to wake up at any moment. Yesterday I was better but my stability can change within an hour sometimes and it happens several times a week. I don't expect any solutions as there aren't any, my psychiatric people work on maintenance as there is nothing more that can be done. I am on medication and have had 16 years of various therapies and we have come to the end of the line. It just helps me to know someone in this world (as opposed to the fantasy worlds in my head) reads what I say and it makes me feel more real and connected.

I have a hospital appointment on Tuesday as it has been discovered that I have Lupus too and I feel sick at the thought. I have only left my flat for 4 times in the last year, all for hospital appointments. My CPN and my partner are coming with me and we have a technique where I have a blanket over my head so I cannot see people, I can't bear to be looked at. I know that makes me stand out more to people but if I can't see them I can't tell that they are looking so it works.

Sometimes this is so hard and there is no way out of it. I have always cooperated with my doctors and done all that I can to get better but things can;t be improved. Believe it or not I am far more stable than I have ever been for the last 5 years, before was just lots of self-harm and suicide attempts and stays in hospital. I can;t distract either as I can't have any music or sound as it makes me hear things and reading is no good as I get caught up in the lives of the characters and think that I am within the book, the book becomes real and real life fades away. A specialist told me once that we all have a switch that stops us dreaming when we wake up, my switch is faulty so I get confused between the two. I have been taught a lot of grounding techniques to try to overcome this, they work with varying success. I am just sitting here now waiting to wake up, I feel like this isn't my life.

This will pass probably after I stop worrying about the hospital appointment, I just have to get through but it is exhausting. I have been in and out of therapy and on medication since I was 13 and I am just so tired. I won't take my own life as I promised the 3 people who care for me that I never would and I would never hurt them but this isn't really being alive. I feel utterly useless to everyone. I spent a lot of my life in a children's home and really tried to get better. I pushed myself to go to university and worked all the way through to support myself and eventually got my dream job of managing a residential home for autistic adults with challenging behaviours. I was so very happy. Then I became physically and mentally ill and lost everything and something in me died then. I have only ever wanted to give back the help I was given to others in pain and now I can't even trust myself to do that.

Sorry for the ramble and thank you if you read this. As I said I am not looking for solutions, I just wanted to feel a little less alone.

Waves and Smiles, you are so not alone! You are very strong, useful and important! You are helping lots of people and that is awesome!
I wish I can say the same. But I can't.
Lots of love and warm hugs from me!

Pyxis

Hello, Popec5, and welcome to the thread!:)

What lovely kind words!

I expect WaS is worn out, but hopefully asleep and getting a good rest.
Hope you're ok, WaS. :A




Elsien, deep breaths.......and go for it!

jobbingmusician

:hello: - welcome, Popec! It sounds as if you are feeling a bit down - but you've already given me a lift by posting, and I'm sure WaS will be delighted to 'meet' you as well. Jump right in and say whatever you like on here!

lostinrates

I hope things go well today WaS.

suite001

If you feel you need to speak to a "real" person, don't forget the samaritans. They could provide you with a friendly voice. Thanks

whitewing

elsien and WaS, good luck today. Hope you both feel reassured by the end of today.

Popec5, glad you found us!

codemonkey

Good luck for your first day at work, elsien and I hope you're coping ok and keeping the nasty muppets in your head at bay.

I'm a bit wobbly today. Got into the office to discover that not only have I changed line management, I've changed team and job effective immediately (this is not the promotion I went for which I've heard nothing about). I need time to get used to change.

whitewing

Yes, I am finding at the moment that I need more time to get used to everything. There have been some stressful family events, and even downtime is busy and that all has an effect on how well I am managing the unexpected. Good luck today, code.

I did manage to get the extra tickets requested for the school play and some presents-cards dropped off, but forget to take the costume. Then there are disco tickets to sort out, if the disco is still in the future. littlewing is having a great time, and the rest of us are shattered'

jobbingmusician

special hugs to code - and to anyone else who needs them! xxx