Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you, elsien, neither of us knew that, WaSp will speak with her tomorrow. Right now everything goes through BIL and they seem to be purposely avoiding discussing as much with him as they can. Everything was quite open and she was set to go home Tuesday afternoon, then she was assigned a social worker and two came to speak to her and suddenly she wasn't being discharged and everyone has gone very quiet!

I am not faulting SS because I agree that this situation rings alarm bells especially as her physical care needs are increasing, it would just be nice to know which wheels they are putting in motion and also for them to reassure her because she believes she has cancer and no one will tell her!

elsien

It might also be that MiL knows more than she's letting on, to avoid difficult conversations or upsetting people. My grandmother user to swear blind to me that no one would tell her anything when she was fully involved in all the discussions. I think she was going along with the next of kin for her own reasons, knew I had a different perspective, and decided playing dumb was easier for her, and she was also trying to protect me from being upset.

Pyxis

codemonkey wrote: »

Hmmm, it's weird. I keep thinking it's not all that great. But then I can't stop eating it.
Oh my god, is this stuff filled with crack or something?

Toldja! Toldja! :rotfl:




WaS, why is BIL so set against her going into sheltered accommodation? Is it because he will lose his home? Or his carer's allowance? If it's either of those, it's selfish in the extreme.

I concur with everything that has been said about WaSp being involved in discussions.

It certainly doesn't sound safe for her to return to the old situation, and so sheltered accommodation sounds ideal as she can keep her independence.
Not only would it not be safe, but how much longer could WaSp carry on with all the travelling, just because BIL won't step up? I'm really glad that SS have cottoned on to that situation, ie that he's doing two carer jobs for the price of one.

Perhaps you could be the voice of reason in all this, WaS, as you're one step removed from the emotion, and tell SS things that perhaps WaSp wouldn't, and that BIL would lie about anyway.

Certainly don't feel guilty about the idea of sheltered accommodation. It really does sound ideal, and the extra social life would be wonderful for MiL.

lostinrates

waS not all homes cater for those with dementia. In fact, many won't keep residents once anything other than 'normal' old age forgetfulness is involved.

Many are set to cater exactly for people who need additional care but don't need to be locked in.

I know this because my Grandnother DID have dementia( Alzheimer's) and had to be moved on progressively through care homes of different securities as her dementia progressed. ( physically she was fine till almost the very end)

Her flat ( where she started) would not have been suitable for a bubbly person with care needs as higher level of of physical independence was requisite there.

There are SO many variables in the situations and units, but its important you don't go with misconceptions that one must be for batty ones because its not necessarily the case. Some privacy, independence and space yes, but used to live in "care" from family who she loves, even with its problems, stepping into Too independent a situation might actually be quite alienating and lonely perhaps?

I ' not saying sheltered house is the wrong option, I'm saying I thing the thing that most supports millefleur is to remain open to finding about all her options and considering them all with as little bias as possible. And seeing what her options are if she isn't settling after say.....six months.

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you so, so much for the support. This is a brand new situation to both of us. With my family it obviously didn't happen and with WaSp's his grandparents and dad died suddenly at home. We have no idea what we are doing really or even how much input we get to have.

On the subject of Milliefleur not telling things this is actually highly likely. She conceals a lot about her health from her sons out of embarrassment already and she will not oppose BIL. She will be honest with me but tells her son's not to be rude if they ask anything personal. The plan we have so far is for WaSp to visit her tomorrow and put me on the phone to her and then go get a coffee and see if she will talk to me alone (a phone call! Eeeep!). Then my social worker should call this week (another phone call!) and I will see if she knows/will tell me anything. Although I don't speak to her much I do have a good relationship with my social worker, she is a bouncy and friendly person who knows how I can worry about things so I am hoping she will try to put mine (and therefore WaSp's) mind at rest.

jobbingmusician

Oh dear, I'm going to post a penguin I'm afraid. WaS, only look when you are nicely relaxed and pampered with your new Sanctuary stuff and other treats.

Reading between the lines, I am guessing that Safeguarding has been alerted about Millefleur. Which is totally reasonable, given the scenario you have outlined above. That's why they are being so cagey about communicating with WaSp, as well as BIL.

End penguin.

Be clear, I think this is a sensible and rational reaction to the situation - in fact I think they are handling it well. And of course I could be wrong as I don't have much experience of elderly care. And it makes no difference to anything, except it could explain why everyone is being a bit secretive. It's hardly a penguin, really, but it felt a bit blurty just to say what I thought without warning.

For the same reason (altho I have probably seen the inside of more care homes than most!) I won't comment on whether Millefleur should move into supported housing or a home. I just don't know, as both are so variable!

I hope this helps - it probably doesn't at all, but I thought it might help the DISCUSSION, rather than the situation, IYSWIM.

ETA - I did think it might help if you spoke to MIL. Well done for thinking of it, and lots of hugs! ((((()))))

Pyxis

Yes, LIR and JM, it probably wasn't my place to say that sheltered housing looks like the best thing for MiL.

However, the fact that SS have brought it up and suggested it, indicates that they might think it is the best option.

jobbingmusician

No no, Pyxis, you misunderstand me. I think it's perfectly appropriate for people to make useful comments on the fact that sheltered housing, or a home, might be the better option. I genuinely can't make up my mind - I think people have made excellent points in favour of both options, and they are points that WaS and WaSp need to bear in mind when talking to Soc Svcs! xxx

Waves_and_Smiles

Don't worry JM, it isn't a penguin! I wouldn't be at all surprised if the cat flea pills incident along with BIL showing up for visiting drunk caused SS to make that decision. Much to WaSp's annoyance they were also quite firm with him that he is responsible for caring for me and that is enough, which is the point where they said that they had contacted my social worker. They aren't prepared to let him carry on as he has been it seems and as a knock on effect are now looking at my care plan (which I am fine with, I have no objection to people offering me help). Poor WaSp is blaming himself for that because he told her consultant that he was limited in what he could do for her because he was looking after me, this was on Friday and there has been a total communication shut down from everyone from yesterday morning.

I can't tell BIL or WaSp as he is feeling incredibly guilty right now but I am actually agreeing with SS. This situation cannot continue and it is going to get worse for everyone, especially WaSp who simply cannot do more and Milliefleur who is going to need more support. For example, Milliefleur sometimes suffers with double incontinence. She tries to hide this from her sons and will not let them help her clean herself and environment but because she is frail and blind she cannot take care of either properly herself. Another situation is that she hardly eats. BIL only gives her food when she is hungry (and she refuses food because of the incontinence) and a bowl of mushy peas is often all she will have for dinner. In the hospital they are making sure she has 3 meals a day plus biscuits and toast inbetween meals which she needs because she has lost a lot of weight. If she has an accident there are women there to help her. Previously doctors weren't aware of these things but now she has spent time in hospital they have seen it for themselves.

If I thought it would help I would tell WaSp to move in with her and try to fix some support for myself with SS but she won't allow her son's or any man to help with her personal care so that idea is pointless. Also, other than wanting to go home to be around her personal things she is actually enjoying the hospital. She isn't bored anymore and has always been extremely sociable so loves the interaction.

Should I be asked I will support SS, WaSp will if he see's Milliefleur is happy. BIL will not, and I hate to be cynical here but he has had access to her bank accounts for years and uses her money to spend on himself ( a guitar last month, a smart phone last week plus alcohol weekly) and it would be a very different lifestyle for him if he wasn't her carer.

iammumtoone

Was can I say to consider before telling mil to ask that wasp can be involved in the decision making. I am certainly not saying it's not the right thing to do but consider what mil will expect to happen if this is the case. She may think that wasp will step in and sort it all out so she can go home which will put extra pressure and guilt on him if this doesn't happen. As it stands he can be the supportive one in all this whilst having the ideal 'excuse' that he can't stop it as he isn't 'allowed'

Hope you don't mind me posting and only you two knows what's best but just wanted to give another possible prospective on the involvement of wasp in major decisions. You can always see how it goes and step in at a later date if it doesn't look like they are making the best decisions for mil.