Just needed to be heard for a little while

elsien

Actually, this has just reminded me of a post I wrote then lost a while back and didn't have the energy to retype at the time.

I was on a course recently where one of the participants said she had borderline personality disorder, diagnosed in her early teens and not as a result of childhood trauma. She said she was well and happy now, but aware of the possibility of this not always being the case.
It just made me curious as to the impact of this for someone who is not struggling to deal with other issues as well, such as childhood abuse and whether it can be as severe in its impact regardless of the triggers?
No special reason for asking, other than the only other person I am aware of in RL with BPD has so many other issues to deal with that life is a real battle for them anyway and it made me wonder about someone who didn't have the traumatic background and whether that made recovery easier or not?
If that makes sense.

Edit - not relating BPD to crime in case that's how it came across, it just reminded me there was a question I kept meaning to go back to.

Waves_and_Smiles

Good morning all!

We have a problem. MIL was supposed to be released from hospital yesterday but wasn't. They won;t tell BIL or her why but she has been assigned a social worker who has told BIL that is time to think about sheltered housing for her, otherwise they aren't telling him very much at all. We suspect that after the cat flea pills incident and that the fact that BIL has visited while drunk that they do not want to release her into his care. He unfortunately comes over as very aggressive and defensive to people and doesn't give an impression of a supportive carer, especially when drunk.

BIL has made things far worse and told MIL that sheltered housing is an old peoples home, she now really does not want to go. She is also very scared that she has terminal cancer and they aren't telling her the truth. WaSp was also against sheltered housing until I explained to him what it was (he thought it was a home, too), personally I think it just might be a good idea, I would feel happier with her there than being with BIL, she just isn't safe with him and the amount of mistakes he makes.

Social services are also saying very little to WaSp other than her social worker has spoken to my social worker and they don't believe it is fair on WaSp or me for him to take on further care, in fact they think that he is already doing too much and there is a danger my needs won't be met. WaSp is currently doing a good impression of a rabbit in the headlights because he hates dealing with social services, poor man. My social worker wishes to call me this week to discuss the current impact of WaSp caring for MIL on my care needs. I imagine what I say will be a factor in their decision (which I think they have pretty much already made).

It seems obvious that they want her to go to sheltered housing and are holding out for it. WaSp says if I can persuade MIL to do it then he will back me against BIL if it is what she wants. BIL will go absolutely mad if this happens.

I am very stressed and feeling very torn and guilty already!

I will reply about BPD in a bit elsien, just having a coffee to wake up!

Waves_and_Smiles

In the majority of cases, elsien BDP is linked to past trauma (which can be anything from abuse to neglect, intense fear and many other bad things) but it isn't always the case. In recent years it has been reclassified to Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, a term I personally do not like. This has allowed it to become a far wider classification term, it is nowhere near as specific to certain experiences and symptoms as it used to be. When I was diagnosed with it, it was mostly linked to abuse and trauma but now an extreme emotional sensitivity that impacts an individuals life negatively can also fall under the umbrella, for example. There no longer has to be anything that has specifically happened in ones past for the diagnosis to be made.

As you say, most people with BDP have other difficulties as well which makes recovery a lot harder. There is evidence that under the new terminology that people can recover faster than those with past trauma simply because there is less baggage to deal with, for people who fit under the older classification recovery is harder but also not impossible. It just tends to take a lot of time and hard work. In my case my BDP is a lot better than it used to be but my progress is very slow because I have a whole bunch of other stuff going on that all triggers everything else. I am not sure that BDP ever goes away no matter why you have been diagnosed with it but you can learn to manage it and look out for relapses and challenge them.

whitewing

I think sheltered housing will be best for millefleur - then you can all enjoy knowing her while being supported on the caring side.

I wonder if she could go somewhere nearer you and WaSp?

elsien, I have BDP from neglect/chaotic background, not sexual or physical abuse. It is really bad at times and I find myself scared or not trusting of people, and it is horrific to have suicidal thoughts but I do think it would have been worse and I would have been less safe in adult life if I had been hurt physically too. I think recovery would have taken even longer as it would have been harder to get close to the people who did help me understand what was wrong.

Waves_and_Smiles

I was wondering that, too whitewing. It would be lovely if she could move closer to us. Thank you for saying you think it is a good idea, I am really torn because initially I was the only one who thought it could work but I do think it is a good suggestion. Her care needs are likely going to get worse sadly and it is going to put a lot more pressure onto WaSp and there is even more chance of BIL messing up. A flat for herself with a warden who can check on her sounds like a very good solution to me. Social services have also mention having meals delivered daily for her, again it is far safer than her trying to prepare food and it means she will be getting the nutrients she needs.

whitewing

It may well be out of your hands anyway if social services are involved. They will be able to get a better perspective on it perhaps than people who are so close to millefleur. She may even make some new friends.

Waves_and_Smiles

That is a very good point, whitewing. She is actually enjoying the social side of being in hospital! With bad hearing and hardly any sight she gets very bored and lonely at home, she told WaSp it is nice to sit in the tv room in hospital and have people to talk with. If there was a communal area within the sheltered housing complex I think that she would really like it.

tea_lover

From an outsider's perspective (and obviously with v limited knowledge of the situation) - sheltered housing looks like an ideal solution. A good balance of independence with help available when required, and piece of mind for you too which is invaluable.

FWIW I'd be looking to find a solution that first of all pleases MIL, then WaSp and you, and then BIL. May sound harsh but his feelings shouldn't be the priority here, even if he is the one that shouts the loudest.

tea_lover

Few more thoughts - and apologies if these are already in place, am just thinking 'out loud' iyswim. Help like meals on wheels and a call system could be put in place if she does stay in her own place. Please don't feel that your options are just sheltered housing or no support at all.

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you, tea. Again you are confirming what I am thinking. She will retain some independence which she understandably wants to keep, but she will have people checking on her and hopefully a social life, too. Plus BIL won't be such an influence over her care. Persuading her is going to be difficult because BIL said "They want to pack you off into a home" which isn't what has been suggested at all. WaSp wants me to talk to her because he feels very guilty himself, as if he should be doing more and admits he can't be objective about it.

As whitewing said, though it might be out of our hands. Social Services seem quite determined at this point and really if I stand back and look at the situation I can see why they have adopted that stance.

Absolutely tea. They have already said they think she could benefit from daily meals being delivered. I think they may also assign carers now which she has never wanted but it is reaching a point where she needs them, especially as she won't confide in or allow her sons to do anything for her that involves personal care.