Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

On a cheerier note I love Sanctuary products! There were some in my parcel and I had never tried them before. I am slowly trying out each of the creams through the week. Still totally over the moon.

lostinrates

I think you need good advice as to which option is best for millefleur.

It might be that despite the horrified reaction a Home is better. I take note especially that you say she is enjoying the social aspects of the hospital and that she does need twenty four hour help from relatives now. Sheltered housing might be such a short term solution, is suitable, that it might be two disruptions rather than one. We made this 'error' with my grandmother and it was a false kindness IMO. It would have been better to find a good home in the first place.

codemonkey

WaS, I used to work in housing and sheltered housing complexes as nothing like old folks homes. I'd like to live in one! Most have self contained flats, a communal area and warden pull cords in case you get into trouble. I think your MIL would enjoy it and it has to be better than being 'cared for' by jakey BIL.

I've spent most of the afternoon asleep having taken a mental health day from work. Now I'm awake, I need some help from the present finding contingent on here. I'm stumped. He's 81, losing his memory, has few interests and is prone to saying 'what did you get me that for?' and giving it straight to my brother. The most successful presents I've given so far have been jokey ones - I gave him some coal last year and a cone for the toilet (he actually uses it!)

elsien

I agree with Lir that one correct move now is better than further disruption down the line, if possible. My grandmother went into a very bad home on a "temporary" basis, and aside from the poor quality care, it was very unsuited to her needs - she was physically frail so needed nursing care but had all her faculties. Everyone else in the place had dementia and there was no one for her to talk to. Despite being very unhappy, she chose to stay as she just couldn't face the upheaval of another move.

Mil could also perhaps consider the extra care/supported living type housing? Better than warden controlled as there's staff there 24/7, communal activities and meals for those that want them and they can offer personal care and support but people still have their own flats and privacy. There's one just been built by me, and it's designed for people changing needs as they get older. May depend on whether or not she needs nursing care or not.

Codemonkey, I have to ask, what on earth is a cone for the toilet?

codemonkey

elsien wrote: »

I agree with Lir that one correct move now is better than further disruption down the line, if possible. My grandmother went into a very bad home on a "temporary" basis, and aside from the poor quality care, it was very unsuited to her needs - she was physically frail so needed nursing care but had all her faculties. Everyone else in the place had dementia and there was no one for her to talk to. Despite being very unhappy, she chose to stay as she just couldn't face the upheaval of another move.

Mil could also perhaps consider the extra care/supported living type housing? Better than warden controlled as there's staff there 24/7, communal activities and meals for those that want them and they can offer personal care and support but people still have their own flats and privacy. There's one just been built by me, and it's designed for people changing needs as they get older. May depend on whether or not she needs nursing care or not.

Codemonkey, I have to ask, what on earth is a cone for the toilet?

Its like a small traffic cone that he places on the closed toilet to warn people of erm smells. It was a joke present but he actually uses it.

elsien

If he likes toilet humour, you can get soap and sponges that say face on one side and ar5e on the other.....

codemonkey

elsien wrote: »

If he likes toilet humour, you can get soap and sponges that say face on one side and ar5e on the other.....

Already got him that He did love it though.

Solarjunkie

WaS, have you heard of Abbeyfield? They have a variety of arrangements for people, including sheltered - "For people of 55 years and over
2 meals provided each day
Communal living with the advantage of your own accommodation
House staff on site 7 days a week"

Have a look at their website, they're a charity & I've only heard good things about them.

I can't help thinking that a jeans wearing lady who is not old enough for pearls would march into a new arrangement and relish the company around her, while probably bringing a dash of colour to the other residents too!

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you for all of the help, I will check out the site link. The thing although physically frail Milliefleur is perfectly aware of what is going on, she wouldn;t cope being in a place with people in various stages of dementia. She loves the mix of people in the hospital ward she is currently on and has thoroughly enjoyed the company so I actually think she would enjoy having more of a social life in a communal setting.

This all depends how much we are allowed a say, of course. Social workers haven't even discussed it with Milliefleur, only BIL and they have told him very little and won't answer his questions. WaSp is not next of kin so he only gets a limited amount of information, too. From SS point of view I can see that the present situation isn't ideal. They have an elderly client with care needs who was going to be discharged into the care of her alcoholic son who has had previous social services involvement due to his care (or lack of) of his daughter. Her other son is a full time carer for another of their clients who has complex mental health and physical issues. Given that I am not at all surprised that they have delayed her discharge.

elsien

Mil can ask for all information to be shared with Wasp, and for him to be present at discussions if she wishes, even if he's not next of kin. That needs to come from her though. What I did in my grandmothers case (next of kin did not want me involved) was to write a letter setting out all my concerns to both the ward sister and the hospital social services team, which stated very clearly that if there were any queries over her mental Capacity I was part of her circle of support and that she should also have an advocate as in my opinion her next of kin was not acting in her best interests. As she had capacity it didn't come to that, but it got my opinions on the record as part of the discussions, and it got me a conversation with the social worker where I could further reinforce any areas of concern.

One more point though. You and WaSp do not have responsibility for MIL and her decisions. If she makes bad choices and they go wrong, as long as you've done your best to talk consequences through with her, you mustn't feel guilty about any outcomes. Her choice, her responsibility, don't tear yourselves apart over things you can't change. We all know it on paper, but it's different in real life, and I learned that one the hard way. You can only do what you can do, it's not always in your power to make everything right for people. I hope it doesn't come to that, but just in case....