Just needed to be heard for a little while

whitewing

Maybe it would also be possible for her granddaughter to visit too. But get WaSp to discuss that with the social workers and accept that it may not happen for various reasons.

Errata

Just popping in WAS and hope you don't mind.
It seems to me from what you have said about nutrition alone that BIL is guilty of neglect and elder abuse, there may also be a case for financial abuse making hin an unfit person to have responsibility for someone's care.
Given that he's a drunk and has even turned up drunk at the hospital, it may be that not only his liver is shot but his brain may also impaired / damaged. The SW's should be made fully aware of the above and BIL assessed to identify if he is a fit and proper person to be responsible for MIL's care and care needs.
Re the accommdation situation. It looks like MIL needs to be somewhere with staff on call 24/7; that may be supported accommodation, or intensely supported, or a residential home. Nowadays 'sheltered' housing usually means housing for the over 55's in which they live independantly or with a little help from various agencies.
It's a great upheaval for an older person, but one way a residential home can be accepted by an older person is if they can be encouraged to view it as more like a convalescent home - something older people can understand fairly easily. I think it's perfectly natural that Wasp feels guilty, most people who realise they can no longer give someone the care they need who has to move into residential care feel an enormous amount of guilt - it's a normal reaction.
HTH and hope I've understood what's happening, and not put my foot in it.

heartbreak_star

WaSp's guilt is absolutely normal - I felt guilty I couldn't leave my job to care for my Dad (even though he would have hated that) and Mum cried her eyes out that she wasn't physically up to caring for him.

HBS x

jobbingmusician

I've been thinking about the residential care v supported housing debate. I have seen some supported housing that is absolutely fab, because they understand that people need more support as they get older, and so the available support varies from hardly anything to the full sort of support you'd get in a care home. That does seem the perfect compromise, to me!

lostinrates

They options seem to vary so much from unit to unit that I think its very hard to generalise ( sadly.....it makes difficult and confusing choices harder for the confused, conflicted and uneasy.)

I think SS who will be able to see the situation more clearly than we can, meet in Rl all those involved have to be in the best position to guide millefleur for her best interests.

Wasp has been over stretched for too long. We've expressed concern before, wasp especially. I agree despite best interests and concern, it does sound like potentially at least, and possibly codependently through motherly forgiveness, there has been elder abuse.

It might be that if just caring for you Wasp might be able to have less car time. Some time maybe for a hobby for some more social outlet ( healthy) or job that worked round caring ( might not be possible but would offer similar healthy social interaction and give you all more options)

jobbingmusician

Yes, I'm really excited for WaSp. The thing to focus on I think is to try to have her housed near you so you can (both, hopefully!) see her more often

I'm so sorry, WaS, this must be so stressful for you. Are you OK? xxxx

Pyxis

Yes, WaS dear, There's so much to think about, please don't let it stress you out.

The points to put to Mil are a) that she enjoys the social interaction of the hospital, b) that there would be plenty of females to help with the intimate details, c) think how much she can 'help' the old folk with her bubbliness and young at heart attitude! d) there'd be plenty of things to do in a communal setting, so she wouldn't be bored! e) lots of nice things to eat cooked by someone else!

Let the professionals do all the hard work for you!

Do not, under any circumstances feel guilty. You and Wasp have done, and will continue to do, sooooo much for MiL, and how lovely it would be if she were near you and WaSp, and WaSp could bring her to your flat every week to visit you! And take her for outings! Perhaps she could go on night-time beach/forest crawls with you!


The idea of the convalescence home is great, as it can be perceived as 'temporary', to build up her strength and nutritional status, and then later she can be asked if she'd like to stay longer, and then eventually if she'd like to make it permanent.

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you all so much, every post means the world to me and gives me hope. None of us have ever been in this situation before and have no idea of the procedure and it is a little scary. So far today we still have silence from the hospital, BIL trapped a doctor, (apparently they are scuttling away from him) and asked when she would be discharged. He was told when they can be sure that her needs will be met and that was all.

I spoke to Milliefleur on the phone earlier and without WaSp being there she isn't totally against the idea of sheltered housing for herself (she is more scared of the unknown) but she is worried about BIL. She says she can't go because he will lose his carers allowance and he's been so good to her, and he has no life, has always had problems, can't take care of himself, etc. She also won't allow WaSp to be more involved because it will make BIL angry which rings alarm bells to me. Also her sister is telling her not to talk to SS and that they must get her home. So Milliefleur also has a lot of guilty and conflicted feelings right now. She did however say the hospital more fun than being at home because she gets so lonely, and how kind everyone is and how her and her new friend listen to/watch quiz shows together every afternoon. The social side she really enjoys.

As far as my involvement goes, it appears she highlighted me to SS! They asked her about her support system at home and she told them how she hates being a burden on WaSp when he is meant to be caring for me and that she worries about me being left alone at night because it is dangerous as I am schizophrenic, disabled and have episodes at night when I am alone. She meant it very kindly and to make sure they didn't put anymore pressure on us. They then asked for my details which Milliefleur now feels incredibly guilty about (she doesn't need to, it was sweet of her to tell them that she was worried). I may have 'forgotten' to mention the fact WaSp has been staying overnight with her to SS because my care plan says he will stay here. Oops.

My social worker called this morning and said she would like to visit Monday to review my care plan and please can WaSp be here. She didn't once say that she had been contacted until I told her that I knew. She says she doesn't know anything about what is happening with Milliefleur but I am to give the same care to myself as I do to others and a lot of other comments about looking after myself first. She also said she thought of me being alone at night and how I might get scared and thought "You poor thing all alone."

We take this as meaning that she may want to go back to WaSp staying here at nights as originally agreed. Because catatonic episodes can happen at any time I am not supposed to be alone for more than a few hours. In the past when WaSp was working there was talk of placing me in a more supported setting, they have never been happy about me being alone for long periods. We will find out more on Monday.

Right now we all feel incredibly guilty, including MillieFleur. We don't know what happens next, SS have not back to see her since and her doctors won't answer her questions. However, if safeguarding is in place I still believe that they are doing the right thing. WaSp had a cry this morning, the poor man needed to.

ETA- You are correct, errata that BIL does have some brain damage as a result of alcohol. He has been telling us (and MIL!) that she has dementia. She has none whatsoever but he constantly forgets things and makes mistakes and then blames her. He loses items constantly, forgets her appointments and also forgets things like turning off the cooker which is alarming. It has been like this for a while now.

Errata

Bluntly - very bluntly - MIL's safety is paramount, she's clearly unsafe with BIL. Wasp needs to speak to the hospital doctor and SW very clearly, openly and honestly about BIL, his problems as Wasp perceives them, his abuse of alcohol and examples of his past practical neglect of MIL. BIL won't starve in gutter, he can access the same financial and practical help and support as anyone else to keep him on his feet. This needs to be explained to MIL with the emphasis that he may get better support for himself if he isn't responsible for her; not to make her feel guilty but to make her feel she's doing her very best for him.

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you, errata I agree with you. BIL possibly needs assistance himself at this point. I have told WaSp to be as honest as he can be to the hospital and I will try to reassure MIL. Of course, WaSp feels guilty, everytime he considers speaking to them he feels like he is saying that he doesn't want his mum but it really isn't that at all. WaSp cannot do more, he has been a carer for two people for two years, has no social life or time to do anything he wants and the situation will get worse sadly. It is going to be very hard for him but for everyone's sake he needs to be honest now, as do we all.