Just needed to be heard for a little while

lostinrates

Penguin


you have been in this situation before but in a different role. Someone should have stepped in to protect and remove a vulnerable you. Millefleur is vulnerable. In a different way bil is vulnerable. The situation for all involved isn't that great WaS. . I'm glad you SW is recognising YOU as vulnerable too. I think that you've both felt very conflicted and pulled in different directions but might not have made prudent choices if I'm honest. It happens to EVERY SInGLE ONE of us.


Now, try and relax. Millefleur is in a safe place and being attended to. It would be nice if the rest of the family would not whip her into a state, but its probably unavoidable. This is further suggestion however, IMO, that she might benefit from relief from some big decisions so others cannot harangue her about them.

whitewing

I agree with LIR's penguin post.

seven-day-weekend

It seems as though BIL may need sheltered housing too How old is he?

whitewing

We have got our Christmas tree and lights up, and it looks lovely.

jobbingmusician

I agree with LIR's penguin post, as well, and will expand on it.

Penguin

OK, so the risk is that they will go into overdrive and do a big SOVA thing on you too, WaS. There's no point in not mentioning this, because forewarned is forearmed! I think that is a manageable risk, though. WaSp has to be very clear with them - he WAS being pulled in two directions, but if they put a proper care plan in place for Millefleur, hopefully locating her close to you, you can revert to your own care plan working properly - and it fact you can tell them that it is working well. Point to your achievements. And by the way, did I say - WELL DONE for talking to MIL on the phone! I don't think anyone would dispute the fact that although you have been through risky times (WaSp not being able to be at home overnight because BIL is so flaky) you are thriving in the community.

END OF PENGUIN. xxx

Waves_and_Smiles

Penguin reply

You are very correct, LIR. I am keeping my feelings to myself but this is actually a huge trigger for me and reminds of caring for my parents and never feeling whatever I did was good enough. My mother was terrified of going into a home so we battled on, in some ways this feels like history repeating. I am worried about WaSp and I am worried about MIL, plus I feel that if I wasn't in the equation they could sort something out. For good or bad MIL highlighted my care to SS and they will likely start waving the care plan at me and pointing out that what is currently happening is not what we agreed.

If it had been left up to WaSp and I we likely would have continued to increase his time with her and I would have had to cope alone somehow. This wouldn't have worked well because of her physical care which she will not let him help with so the situation would have become worse for all three of us. It has forced the situation into stark reality for all of us, and this is not a bad thing.

We really would do anything for her and were prepared to do whatever it took for her to have what she wanted, if that involved her staying in her own home we would have done everything we could to make that happen. A loving wish but not a practical one, sadly.

I feel very selfish saying it but part of me is pleased that it seems that it has now been taken out of our hands. I have been very worried about WaSp, countless times he has been awake all night with MIL and then had to drive home for 2 hours, then he has had me to care for. All three of us needed support and in reality something would have gone wrong eventually.

I have already thought that they may use safegaurding with me too, JM. Now I know what it is, I think that it has happened several times before in the past, I know there we meetings held to discuss my care with everyone involved that I wasn't invited to and we were basically told how things would be from then on. However, other than one time they have always taken my wishes into consideration and with compromise on both sides it has worked out.

They have always been very adamant that I am not to be left alone for more than a few hours, I know that they will not be happy with how things have been. Also, my social worker is hardly ever available and for her to call today and then so quickly visit on Monday is most unusual. She was very sweet on the phone but she did keep emphasising that I need care and she felt awful thinking of me alone at night. I am fully expecting her to tell us both that the previous agreement has to be carried out from now on or they will take action. WaSp is fine with that and says his priority is me, it doesn't stop him feeling absolutely dreadful however.

End penguin

jobbingmusician

Absolutely. MIL's situation was unsafe, your situation was/is unsafe and WaSp's situation was unsafe. Hopefully all these will be resolved. You and WaSp did an excellent job for a long time and you didn't fail! It's really great that Millefleur sees the real positives in moving - and I genuinely believe that she does.

Errata is right of course, BIL won't starve, although he might not have the same standard of living he has become used to - partly by abusing his mother financially, from the sound of things... :whistle:

seven-day-weekend

A really sensible, sensitive and insightful penguin reply, WaS. I really think that what is happening will be better for all three of you x

Waves_and_Smiles

BIL is 61, I do think that he might need some support for himself. Social services have been involved with him before when he was neglecting his daughter (he had full care at the time) and she was removed so they already have prior knowledge of him.

Standing outside of this situation it must look like a bomb waiting to go off for social services. There are two vulnerable adults who cannot be left alone, I have no idea what they class BIL as, and one carer running between everyone. I completely understand why they have become involved.

Yay for your Christmas tree, whitewing! I want ours to go up soon but I get the feeling it is the last thing WaSp is thinking of and I cannot put it up myself.

elsien

I may have to lose the Christmas tree this year, remembering Gitdog's shenanigans on spotting a tree full of balls to play with last year. I'm feeling too lazy to get the stuff out of the loft at the moment. The main incentive for getting it done is the sooner the garland is on the mantelpiece etc, the less dusting I have to do for the next x. number of weeks till they come down. Christmas 365 days a year has its merits in that respect.