Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, thank you both. I think writing her a letter is a really good idea haybel! Why didn't I think of that? I am definitely going to do that over the next couple of days and also tell my partner what happened, as far as he knows I just went to therapy one day and never left the house again. He may even think the therapy itself caused it.

I know that I haven't replied individually to people today and I apologise, I will get there. It is just hard to concentrate with this voice giving his repeated monologue constantly, although I can phase him out a bit it is still very difficult to think about much else.

Let me say again because I am paranoid of upsetting people that I am not in any danger at all. This is my 'normal' for a bad day and I am very used to it. I can pretty much stand back from the voices now and just observe them, they are only dangerous when I am otherwise psychotic or severely depressed. To be honest, this one is more of an irritation than anything else!

whitewing

In some ways, I wish your partner would come on here. I would love to know what he thinks and feels, however, it is your thread, WaS, and it is for you. I sometimes tell my DH about posts on her or discuss it generally. He finds it quite interesting although he isn't a big fan of forums.

Waves_and_Smiles

Sadly, my partner wouldn't come on here as he doesn't use forums. Anything connected with reading or writing he avoids due to his dyslexia, he tends to think he would fail at it before he even starts. He knows about this thread though, and is happy that I have people to talk to! My lack of a social life bothers him.

Just to recap on what I said above although the voices don't put me in danger what they do, do is gradually erode my self-esteem. It is very hard hearing daily how useless you are and how everyone would be better off without you. Even though I don't believe that they are real, it is very wearing and doesn't do a lot for my self-confidence. Just on a question of conditioning alone you begin to believe what is repeated to you constantly.

dubs57

I think this is very scarey even if you are used to it. Surely there must be some more effective medicine you could have? I dont think you should just be left to suffer for years without anyone helping you.

Waves_and_Smiles

Hello dubs! How kind of you to feel concerned for me, it is really appreciated and I am not just saying that. Everyone's care means a lot to me. Fortunately, as I have had the voices for so long unless I am otherwise psychotic they don;t frighten me anymore. They did once, but after years when nothing bad happened because of them most of the fear subsided. However, as I said they are bad for my self-esteem, being told I am worthless constantly isn't very nice.

The problem with medication is that I react so badly/strangely to it. The average dose of anti-psychotics, and most people with schizophrenia need a higher dose, leaves me as a zombie. I sleep constantly, I slur my speech, I fall frequently and have severe memory loss. The newer medications with less side effects are even worse for me. That isn't to say that it will always be this way, new ones are being created all of the time so it is possible that one will come along that controls the symptoms better. So for now, I am always a little unstable. But I have been taught a lot of therapeutic techniques to cope with the main symptoms which I use daily and above all I know that the voices aren't real. They are symptoms of an illness in the same way that someone with Tinnitus can hear train sounds and aircraft taking off. I know that they can't hurt me, they are just there because I am ill and nothing more.

dubs57

My sister has suffered from schizophrenia for over 20 years. For a long time she was in and out of hospital whilst they sorted out medication. Eventually she started receiving injections which stableised her. However she still has "funny turns" when she says she feels ill, "the light is sinister" and she worries that everything is her fault like you have mentioned. Reading your experiences of the illness has made me more able to talk to her and she said yesterday that what I said had helped her. So thanks to you for enabling me to be more helpful.

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, I am sorry to hear about your sister, dubs. I do hope she gets a lot more good days than bad, the injections often work very well. The fact this thread has helped you speak to her has really cheered me up, that means so much. For almost everyone with schizophrenia the voices will constantly tell you how bad you are and it does wear down your self-esteem. Even if like me, you know it isn't real it still affects you to hear how awful you are constantly. That's why talking as you did with your sister is so important, we need to hear people contradict how bad we feel about ourselves and for the most part someone just spending time with us does that, it makes us feel worthwhile.

Pyxis

WaS, I think it's such a shame that music can't help you at all, even if only to drown out the voices. But I know it won't. It's a shame that it doesn't have a beneficial effect on you. Does that apply to all music? I'm thinking in terms of something like Mozart, which has known beneficial effects, or maybe something as basic as plainchant, which can be very soothing.



Now, Whitewing, what do you mean, how do you know that fairies have been? Honestly! By the fairy dust, of course!
And because little objects get moved, and sometimes taken. Things like thimbles get taken, to be hats, especially the silver metal ones. Sometimes one earring goes.or they might take a fancy to the odd bead, or button, or a small piece of ribbon. Walnut shells make lovely cradles for fairy babies!
But the biggest giveaway is the fairy dust!

haybel19

whitewing wrote: »

haybel, I think it's a great post.

I read in a book recently that Oprah once said something along the lines of, forgiving someone is not having to invite them for dinner, it is about accepting that the past is the past and cannot be any different.

Thank you whitewing glad you like the post i'm not very good with words on the whole. I wish I had the flair with words that WaS has.

I love that quote exactly as you have written it. I am going to remember it.

haybel19

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Sadly, my partner wouldn't come on here as he doesn't use forums. Anything connected with reading or writing he avoids due to his dyslexia, he tends to think he would fail at it before he even starts. He knows about this thread though, and is happy that I have people to talk to! My lack of a social life bothers him.

Just to recap on what I said above although the voices don't put me in danger what they do, do is gradually erode my self-esteem. It is very hard hearing daily how useless you are and how everyone would be better off without you. Even though I don't believe that they are real, it is very wearing and doesn't do a lot for my self-confidence. Just on a question of conditioning alone you begin to believe what is repeated to you constantly.

Can I just say how utterly devastated I would be should anything happen to you or you stop posting. I think you are wonderful and would love to tell that nasty voice to p*ss off although I am really not sure if that is allowed?! If not please disregard and I apologise profusely. (worrying now)


I know you mentioned before that backing things up is helpful with evidence so here are my top 5 WaS is wonderful...


1) You are always incredible kind and thoughtful to others always doing your best to help.
2) You always take the time to reply and are so welcoming and friendly.
3)You are always honest regardless of the questions asked or the topic.
4) You make me smile and you thread is both a comfort and joy.
5) You have helped me to have a greater understanding of mental health.


This thread provides countless pages of evidence for the above.


Please re-read my PM if it would help and remember to do so as if a friend is there saying it to you.


Hugs. I am off to whittle and worry- today everything I type or say I am worrying about... roll on bed time!