Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

You know what is bad for people with schizophrenia? Going to an innocent bridal wear site to look at pretty dresses and having a chat-box pop up within 30 seconds while someone gives their name and says they saw you were looking at the dresses on their site and could they help with anything?

They are watching me log in?! Looking at what I am looking at?? That is a complete paranoia overload for someone with psychosis! I am just not having a good day...

whitewing

Your DH can probably explain better than me. I would just liken it more to going into a shop and someone noticing you and saying 'May I help you?'

They are doing it as a customer service thing. I get that sometimes with bank websites if I am scrolling through products. If they are helpful, they are more likely to sell you something. I either type no thank you, or just click on the cross on the box to close it off. I don't apologise.

They can't see you. If you did type something in, it is only like posting on this thread. I know bits about you but I don't know who you actually are or where you live. (I do know that you were looking at a bride website because you told me).

I am glad you are asking these questions.

Someone I know had the fright of their life one day because the email provider had changed their email system so there she was in her flat on her own late at night when a male voice suddenly bellowed ' you've got mail'.

It is automated, triggered by a decision that a group of humans decided to code into their websites to benefit the majority of people. There will be a minority that don't like it.

Reminds me of a change MSE did once, and there was a grey man (avatar), if you hadn't set up your own. It made me feel uncomfortable and quite a few people said it was sinister and they didn't like it. (Yet the white one on the blue background that I can see now doesn't bother me in the least).

Keep commenting, WaS.

jobbingmusician

They aren't watching you, WaS. By which I mean they can't see you through the camera on your laptop (which I'm sure is taped up anyway, which is very sensible in some ways - apparently it can increase security).

Now, some extra homework for you :eek: - which is NOT ONLY to be kind to yourself, but also to listen when people tell you that you are a nice person! x

whitewing

Yes, tell the voices to give it a rest!

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you both, I totally cleared all of my cookies and cleaned my laptop anyway. You do help me to feel better. Of course, the voices laughed and said how great modern technology was that it can obtain an IP address and trace someone from a simple website once they get a lock on your location but they can cut it out!

I am very shaky today, a lot because I have been discussing the woman on the bus. But for once, I would prefer not to avoid the trigger because I have intrusive thoughts about that incident all of the time which make me feel dreadful so perhaps talking about it rather than keeping it as a shameful secret might alleviate some of that. It has made me very jumpy, though and the voices have decided to chat constantly about what an embarrassment and how pointless I am as a result.

I am doing my homework, JM!

ETA: Now I have a voice telling me to cut open my stomach so that I can look at my intestines. That's a new one...

whitewing

Another massive well done from me! I do think discussing it rather than ruminating silently will help you in the long term. I'm proud of you, girl.

Tell the voices that whitewing says , stick it, bullies!

I work on the philosophy that I try to be kind etc. So even if I were being tracked every minute of the day, what difference would it make.

WaS, you are an intelligent adult, capable and strong and one day you are going to feel a lot better than you currently do. You are among friends here.

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, thank you, whitewing. I do feel safe here and I trust everyone who posts.

I thought people might be interested in how the voices speak so while I have one who is being very loud I thought I would record what he is saying. Imagine a male voice, quite deep, middle class english accent and speaking in monotone with no change of pitch. DO NOT read this if you have any problems with violence because the voice isn't very nice and rather graphic.

^


^ Last chance to avoid if pretty graphic violence/suicide upsets you. Do remember this isn't real and I know it isn't real, it is just a symptom of my illness. In no way would I act on it.


^


^

Cut it open do it cut and let your intestines spill out. watch the blood run away and know your dying. The end of everything, into the darkness. No one suffering or hurting, everyone safe from you. Let it go, help the ones you profess to love, leave them, let it go, let them be free. No point in staying, no point being here, only cause pain, so much pain. So many tears cried because of you, so much agony, so much torment. Your fault, your fault always your fault. can't do nothing right, never has, end it all, one cut to free them. do it, do it. Move on from them, set them free.

That is dictated as he spoke, now imagine that dialogue going around and around in your head non-stop and that is what it can be like to hear voices when things are bad. They also have conversations with each other about how bad I am and how I should die but right now there is just that one.

Just to reassure people, I am not in any danger at all. This is how it has been for me for 20 years and I am used to it. I just wanted to give an example so that people can understand more about what it is like to hear voices.

whitewing

I like you WaS and I am sorry that you hear such nasty things. You are imperfectly human like the rest of us and you don't deserve to suffer like this (on the basis that I live a life free of these kind of voices, and I am absolutely certain that you are no more or less special on the planet than me).

haybel19

WaS sorry your not having a good day. I am very glad you shared about the bus. I think its a far more common problem than you think and lots of us have shared similar issues at some point or another.


I do hope that in sharing, it will reduced the level of distress this memory causes you. You had no control over what happened that rotten women had every control over how she responded and she is the only one how should carry any shame or guilt for the incident. She may well have later thought it over and realised how badly she responded but by then it is too late. She may well have had her own issues but that is no excuse.


Had she reacted kindly, you may even have shared a friendly smile, she may have helped to disguise it or shared memories of a similar incident happening to her or someone she knew and then you would have remembered the incident instead because of someone and their kindness.


In sharing your story you have made us all think about how we would react, and the profound impact our actions can have on others that can only be a good thing. I like to think that as a result we would all be so kind and compassionate. Afterall it could happen to any one of us, and quite probably will at some point.


I am not sure if this makes sense and please do disregard if inappropriate but obviously she did you a great unkindness which has had a profound impact on you quite understandably. But what about writing a letter as if to her and then at the end maybe expressing that because you are such a kind person you forgive her and then burning the letter or something as a gesture of closure.. not sure if would help or if terrible idea please do ignore if not appropriate.


I do hope you share this thread with your partner, in particular the bus incident but I do think the whole thread would make him so incredibly proud of you. You really are remarkable.


BIG HUGS.


Hope that reads ok ive agonised over whether to write it or not or whether it sounds ok and am now worrying...

whitewing

haybel, I think it's a great post.

I read in a book recently that Oprah once said something along the lines of, forgiving someone is not having to invite them for dinner, it is about accepting that the past is the past and cannot be any different.