Just needed to be heard for a little while

whitewing

Hello WaS,

I was thinking about this thread as I went to post a couple of letters. I don't know how you feel about this, but I actually found the monologue you put on yesterday from your male voice very helpful because if I read it and know the kinds of things the voices are saying, then it will make me much more accepting of the people you sometimes hear in the streets.

So, if you would like to put the voices that you are hearing into a post each day, we can learn from them and hopefully we can help to reassure you too.

Pyxis

DUKE wrote: »

Just thought I'd share this - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw

Yes :rotfl:! That's hilarious! So well done!


Edit. But yes, it so isn't really the dog talking! That dog's a born actor, playing the part of the downtrodden, put-upon mutt! As jobbing musician said, I'm also positive that the dog got a huge treat afterwards, as 'payment' for hie 'acting'!

Waves_and_Smiles

So many views! <Waves and smiles at everyone!>

Aww, the dog is so cute and I sure the dog got lots of treats afterwards!

Duke, with psychosis there reaches a point when it is severe where you don't realise that you are ill, this has happened to me on occasion, most obviously when I was at work and made some very bad decisions. Looking back, I had psychosis for a year before I had my 'lightbulb moment' and realised that something was very wrong. Mine tends to go in 3 stages, where I am relapsing but I fight it, where I am very ill and things start falling apart badly (this is usually where I ask for help), and finally where I am so psychotic that I believe I am well and that everything I am hearing and seeing is true. In the latter stage, which could be where Harry is I only get brief realisations that things are very wrong and the only thing to bring me back to stage 2 at that point is correct medication to control the chemical imbalance a little first. It is possible that Harry needs suitable medication before he can realise he isn't well right now so it is very important that he gets that.

I used to do the same as Harry and sit and listen to the voices intently, I needed to know what their message was and what they had planned for me and others. At my worse I wouldn't have believed anyone that they weren't real, the fact others couldn't hear them just confirmed to me that I was chosen by them and that I was part of a great conspiracy. On a more optimistic note the right medication turned this around in 5 days, by then I was starting to believe that maybe they weren't real and perhaps I was ill, after all. After that a lot of therapy helped me cope with the symptoms and I was in a suitable place to put it into practice.

Just wanted to add that (and I am going to sound strange here), that when I am ill, I love reaching stage two when things fall apart. The reason why is that I fight every relapse. I shouldn't do this! The sensible thing to do would be to get help when my health begins to get worse but for some reason I feel that I have to try and control it myself and I am not 'ill enough' to ask for help. Tellingly, at this stage I will often skip my medication because taking it causes me a lot of anxiety but I am already too ill to signpost this as a problem. When things tip over to stage 2 it is a huge relief. By then my hands are constantly wet from anxiety, I cannot stop my body shaking, I am being physically sick and hardly sleeping. That is when I accept that I can't get myself better and go to a hospital. I have sat and pleaded with my illness to reach stage 2 so I can get some relief, things wouldn't be so bad if I went straight away but this is also a factor within psychosis itself, something stops me asking as it does for many people. If I reach stage 3 most of those symptoms stop and the only thing I am left with is little sleep so there is a clear window in which to get treatment.

I am really glad you found the transcript of the voice helpful, whitewing! I am happy to record what they are saying daily if people are interested. A lot will be starred out as their language can be quite bad but I am sure you would get the gist. It made no different to the voice at all so it clearly doesn't change anything if I write it down, it never altered what they say if I told psychiatrists either. They only change conversation if something negative happens, then they will use that, the rest of the time they will keep up the same repeated monologues, sometimes for a day at a time. I actually find that useful because the fact outside factors don't change them proves to me they are just symptoms of an illness, as I said in the same way that people with Tinnitus hear odd noises.

whitewing

When I was at Uni, I was walking down the street when a man walked by me and said, "I gonna cut your head off and make you squeal like a pig."

I was terrified (and not too well myself) so I hurried across the road, and didn't even say anything to the policeman that I saw at the end of the road. It scared me badly because I thought he was talking to me. Maybe he was talking to his voices.

Waves_and_Smiles

Oh, whitewing that is scary. He may have been talking to voices or he could be repeating what they were saying. When I am ill sometimes I will repeat what the voices say out loud.

This brings me back to the point again where caution is needed when approaching someone with mental illness. In the majority of cases you are not at any risk but that can't be guaranteed. You have no idea if the voices are saying that you might hurt them and that they need to defend themselves so please be careful. It was different for me with B because due to the nature of my work I had to be trained in gentle restraint, the staff were often attacked by very large men and we needed to keep ourselves safe. I knew that I could prevent myself from getting hurt if I needed to (without hurting B in the process) and as it turned out he would never have hurt me, in fact he used to shout at people if they looked at me oddly for speaking to him. He was my defender. So be friendly by all means but be cautious, too and only approach someone in well lit areas in a public place.

whitewing

Warning, WaS, some comments relating to yesterday... only read if you are not so fragile....







Have you told your DH about the bus incident yet, WaS?

And have you had a response from the landlady?

Waves_and_Smiles

The landlady has said someone will be here to fix the cistern on Monday, so yay! I shall be hiding in the bedroom and either my partner or my carer can deal with it.

I am building up to telling my partner about the bus incident. I still have an awful lot of shame about it, although I know he will totally understand. It is one of my worse memories and clearly affected me a lot as is obvious by the fact it was the major reason for a psychotic break that was severe enough to need sectioning.

Just to mention while I brought the subject up, I have been sectioned 5 times but everytime has been voluntarily. In fact, I have walked into A&E and once into a police station and asked to be sectioned on three occasions. It has never been for longer than 28 days because of the catatonia problem, I tend to withdraw in a hospital setting and it is far better for me to be forced to function outside of a hospital.

This is a bit different to an involuntary section in that I had quite a lot of freedom and wasn't forced to attend programmes that I didn't wish to take part in. I actually like being sectioned because I feel safe and cared for. I missed out on this as a child so to be in an environment where I am told when to wash and get out of bed, where nurses will sit with me and bring me tea and toast if I have a nightmare and I feel generally protected is a huge comfort to me. It gives me a few weeks to feel looked after which I never had as a child. As I said, it is far too tempting for me to give up functioning so they tend to boot me out as fast as possible!

whitewing

Yes, I agree that your partner will understand. I know about shame too.

What particular bit of it invokes the most shameful reaction? Was it the wetting yourself, the mental patient comment or the horror of the woman?

How could you tell your friend (eventually) but not your partner yet?

Waves_and_Smiles

It came up with my friend as a way to make her feel better. She had a bout of bad food poisoning and had an accident in her bed and was dying of embarrassment as her father was there and found out. So I told her about my experience to try and make her feel better about her own experience.

The worse part is that the woman told everyone in earshot. Everyone knew what I had done and was looking at me. I am very paranoid of being seen by people as I have previously said so everyone's attention on me for something so embarrassing was like my worse nightmare come true. I felt completely spotlighted and as if everyone was thinking how dirty and disgusting I was which is what I had always feared.

jobbingmusician

I have to laugh, because I would put money on the fact everyone was ACTUALLY thinking how brave and supportive you were being in telling your friend about it xxxxx

How WaS sees herself v how the rest of the world sees her = the Beast and Beauty