Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

Hahahahaha, that is probably very true, JM. My own view of myself seems to be a bit err...distorted at times! I am working on the be nice to myself homework!

whitewing

It is absolutely true in life that we each need to be our own best friend, and I do believe that attitude creates more enriching friendships with other people.

(Very profiund seeing as I am billynomates in real life!)

Waves_and_Smiles

Today's voice subject is apparently how ugly I am and how people would laugh at me. I am not concentrating on them right now but later I will transcribe what they are saying. My partner is chatting right now so I don't want to go quiet on him while I listen. Today's conversation seems to be between two of them. I have become very good at not paying attention in the same way we don't listen to every individual within a crowd, unless they shout I can usually distract enough. Their laughter is hard to ignore, though.

That is very true, whitewing. I do think that I am kind but otherwise I really don't like myself very much. I said that to my favourite psychiatrist once and he said no, you are full of self-hatred of yourself and that was a profound moment for me. I had never really thought about how much I despised myself and he was correct, it is a lot more than dislike. I am trying to get better about it but my default position is still that I am worthless and horrible and good for nothing.

Having said that my two friends and partner seem to like me, and all of my new friends here keep coming back to talk to me so perhaps I am not that bad (or everyone will eventually find out the truth about how awful I am, one day. I'll shut up).

whitewing

And just with perfect timing for this thread, have a look at this from a primary school to their pupils.

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/you-special-headteachers-heartwarming-exam-3863807

The letter in full sent to pupils with their exam results

Please find enclosed your end of KS2 test results. We are very proud of you as you demonstrated huge amounts of commitment and tried your very best during this tricky week.

However, we are concerned that these tests do not always assess all of what it is that make each of you special and unique. The people who create these tests and score them do not know each of you- the way your teachers do, the way I hope to, and certainly not the way your families do.

They do not know that many of you speak two languages. They do not know that you can play a musical instrument or that you can dance or paint a picture. They do not know that your friends count on you to be there for them or that your laughter can brighten the dreariest day.

They do not know that you write poetry or songs, play or participate in sports, wonder about the future, or that sometimes you take care of your little brother or sister after school.

They do not know that you have travelled to a really neat place or that you know how to tell a great story or that you really love spending time with special family members and friends.

They do not know that you can be trustworthy, kind or thoughtful, and that you try, every day, to be your very best... the scores you get will tell you something, but they will not tell you everything.

So enjoy your results and be very proud of these but remember there are many ways of being smart.

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, that is lovely! What a wonderful thing to do! I used to have to write 3 reasons every week that proved I was a worthwhile person in one type of therapy that I had, and I wasn't allowed to repeat them. It was harder than my dissertation!

jobbingmusician

WaS, I don't know if you have heard of Lizzie Valasquez? She is famous for being the ugliest woman in the world, but her inner beauty really shines through - AS YOURS DOES! I know you don't watch TV, but you may be able to watch youtube? If/when you are well enough you could show your voices the 'ugliest woman in the world' and how wonderful she is, and what a beautiful person?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c62Aqdlzvqk&feature=kp

Waves_and_Smiles

What an incredibly beautiful woman! She is amazing! She is such an incredible person, I am in total awe. Now I shall watch it again and nag the voices to pay attention.

Waves_and_Smiles

Something nice just happened. My teacher friend went to a school reunion at the weekend and another teacher who helped me a great deal has asked if I would like to get back in contact with him.

This teacher was my Head of Year, very strict and stern but really had a heart of gold. He used to let me sit in his office when things were bad at home and I didn't feel up to attending lessons and let me drink coffee while he taught classes which made me feel very grown up. He also knew I was responsible for food shopping and cooking for my mother and would always buy me a roll from the staff room everyday so I had something to eat that I hadn't prepared. He did many little things like that just to show me that someone cared.

It is at times like this when I realise how much I miss having people in my life who knew me since childhood. Aside from my teacher friend, my partner is the person who has known me the longest and we met when I was 21. I find it very comforting to have people in my life who knew little me and it makes my past feel more real and less of a bad dream, in a way and I do have happy memories of time spent with him.

Now the downside. Obviously, my teacher friend told him nothing about me. I would love to be able to say that I made a great life for myself, have a great career, travel a lot, have 2.5 children and a dog in my own home. But that is not the reality. Here comes the shame again. How on earth do I tell him how my life turned out? He knew I was very academic and saw great things ahead for my future, I feel like I have let him down if I tell him the truth which I will because I never lie. Once more, I am hideously ashamed.

haybel19

WaS please re read the letter posted by Whitewing.

I am sure this man would be very proud of you for a 1000 different reasons and for the incredible person you are. You cannot help being ill anymore than someone can help being born with 11 toes. Be kind to yourself.


The other thing I have been meaning to say is- a few days ago I reread some of your earlier posts and it struck me how very far you have come. You now confidently post. You know you are safe and that we care.


Oh and one more thing. You have mentioned before sometimes getting in a muddle with what to do with a tissue or what bit of the bed the pillowcase is... When this happens and you are alone why not post then we can help unravel the mystery together. I for one would love to be able to help, in anyway at all. I am quite often online and check in on you often. There are normally quite a few of us about on the thread. Would this help?

Waves_and_Smiles

That is very true, haybel. Whitewing's post is perfectly timed and I will be reading it quite a lot before I email my new/old friend. I am more confident posting now, everyone has made me feel safe so I am a lot braver!

That is a really good idea about sharing the memory lapses. They happen on almost a daily basis so I would appreciate some help. I got totally confused about an empty pot of coffee creamer earlier and ended up balancing it on my keyboard until I realised that I should throw it away!