Just needed to be heard for a little while

haybel19

Hey everyone hope your all ok...


Whitewing I have thought of something else I miss.... Self belief...


WaS That story is just beautiful. If one of us had written that you would no doubt think what a truly wonderful and remarkable person. How kind and compassionate- so please be kind to yourself. I so wish you could see yourself through our eyes - for me that story sums up just how wonderful you are.

jobbingmusician

Awww haybel - it's horrid, losing faith in yourself. You do sound lovely too! ((((()))))

haybel19

jobbingmusician wrote: »

Awww haybel - it's horrid, losing faith in yourself. You do sound lovely too! ((((()))))

Thank you. I try to be kind and considerate. I have very little self belief or confidence. I never think I can do anything, and as a perfectionist can be very critical of myself and my efforts.

whitewing

Yes, self belief for me as well.

dibuzz

I'm sure B remembers you with as much affection as you remember him WaS.
As you can see I've gone back to not sleeping again

Waves_and_Smiles

Good morning everyone!

LIR- I had a read didn't realise there was a link between weight gain and vitamin D, that is really interesting. I have usually been an average weight but over the last few years it has increased. Steroids certainly don't help, I have problems with water retention which I take a diuretic for but still my legs will swell by the end of the day. My anti-psychotic also causes it, as does having a metabolism that is shot to pieces due to my immune disorder but again it seems vitamin D is linked to that. I actually eat 1600 calories a day but the other problem is I don't move, if I eat more than that I will gain weight very fast. I literally walk between the bedroom, bathroom and sofa and that is the extent of my exercise, physio aside. I have a lot of muscle weakness as well as arthritis from years of staying in so even climbing into bed hurts. It is a bit of a disaster, really. On a cheerier note the high dose Omega 3 oil I now take for my eyes is meant to help with joints so we shall see. I need to eat a lot more oily fish too, apparently.

Aww, dibuzz. Try a nap later after your pills? I really hope you manage to sleep a little more.

Haybel, I believe in you. You are a warm, giving and compassionate person and even if you lack self-faith I bet others who know you trust you an awful lot. I do.

The same for you whitewing, You are such a kind and giving person, even if you can't see it others can. Good luck with the decluttering, I know how hard it is and you are doing really well!

My hoarding is much better than it was but the causes for it are still there. Rather than hoard I now have permissible collections. For example I have 36 soft toys, I also have a drawer full of pencils, pens and crayons. I allow myself to keep these and add to them, everything else is a no. I find it helps if I can throw things away quickly, the longer I have an item, even if it is rubbish the harder it is to throw away, because I will attach human feelings to it. For example, I would look at an old scribbled note and think it was useful once but now its time is over no one wants it anymore and it doesn't matter to the world. I will then feel tremendous sadness and guilt. These are feelings I had about myself when I was young but I project them onto other things, it is also caught up with my family telling me that I killed my parents and wanted to get rid of them because I was cruel and had no feelings.

When my hoarding was at its worse was when I asked for social services to become involved. This was actually my request, as I have said I am luckily able to ask for help when things are bad for the most part. I had dishes in the sink covered in thick black mould and was washing things in the bathroom, the floor was covered in old tin cans, food packaging and papers, my partner and I were living in one room and sleeping on the floor in the rubbish as no other room was inhabitable. It had reached an extent where I could no longer wash me or a plate as I felt guilty for any bacteria that might be washed away. Yes, really. I was buying paper plates to eat from and keeping them too.

My partner came home from work only to sleep. He spent 16 hours a day away because he couldn't stand being in the house and left as soon as he woke up. He had obviously tried to clean but I would scream and cry at him and self-harm and beg him not to touch anything, he had no idea what to do so he ran away. When social services came they called Environmental Health who declared it inhabitable and I was placed into hospital for a week while they cleaned it up. I came back to a very clean house and oddly or not, had no problem with that as I didn't witness anything being discarded so didn't blame myself.

Amusingly (or horrifically), then my OCD reacted. I couldn't have an unwashed plate, I would scrub everywhere with bleach, I would also bathe in bleach. My hands and body were cracking from constant washing and again, I would scream at my partner if he made the slightest mess (why has he stayed with me for 24 years?). Things went completely the other way and I spent most of every day cleaning, sometimes not sleeping for nights because I was convinced things were still dirty and staying awake to scrub everything from walls to light switches. So then I had CBT for that and got it largely under control and now I find the best balance for me is a clean but slightly untidy house. Too messy and I'll start to hoard, too tidy and I'll compulsively clean. The impulse to hoard (or clean) is still very much there but a lot better than it was, I have to stay aware of it, though or it could take over again.

dibuzz

Why has he stayed with you for 24 years? Because he loves you unconditionally. You need to remember that when you start to feel that you're a bad person. Your partner and all your friends on here know that you are not and what you did for B proves that too.

lostinrates

WaS, its easy to become obcessed with diet / eating, so I don't want to lead you there, but there is a lot we can do to help our consultants help us. And I don't think we have to do it perfectly . For example an Mse chum gave up coffee / caffiene and found their anxiety reduced significantly. They still like chocolate, so they still have a teeny bit of caffiene, but giving up caffiene helps a lot.

Some of our health problems are similar WaS , metabolic/endocrinological/rheumacological. While different they often have confusingly similar issues to face. I had lupus tests this summer too. I have low vit d dispite getting time out side every day too.

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, thank you dibuzz. I suppose I am not that bad. When I am not suffering with something my partner and I do get on very well, we were best friends long before we got together. We do spend a lot of time laughing, we have a very similar sense of humour and I hope that he knows that I would do anything for him, one thing I am is very loyal and I would stand by him no matter what happened.

I am so sorry that you have similar issues, LIR but forgive me if I find a little comfort in that, too. Sometimes I want to throw my hands up and give up with my physical health because it seems everything is an autoimmune disorder, my body is intent on being mean to itself. The conditions I have, have combined to create whole new issues like acid reflux. That developed purely as a result of years of my stomach trying to cope with medication so now I need pills for that, too! Plus, if one condition is treated my consultants have to be very careful that another one isn't triggered at the same time and I am not sure that they are confident about it either, it seems to be a case of trial and error. Fortunately I have a very good Endocrinologist who covers several of the conditions and seems to be able to keep on top of them, he can't do anything about medication side effects though which are often worse than the conditions themselves.

Oh well, at least I am still breathing and things could be a lot worse.

whitewing

An interesting website here..

http://www.hopethruhorses.com/ptsd-and-other-related-issues/