Just needed to be heard for a little while

whitewing

You are definitely feeling better, if you can make jokes! On yer bike...(only joking).

Waves_and_Smiles

Back where I used to live I got to know a man called B. B was known as the local tramp, he lived in the local churchyard. He had long straggly hair, a beard matted and halfway down his chest and wore layers of mismatched clothes given to him by local charity shops. People crossed over the road when they saw him, or just didn't notice him at all. Sometimes I would see B yelling in the street at people no one else could see. Everyone looked fearful and rushed past him, sometimes he would plead with them for help.

Once I made eye contact with B and smiled, he smiled back. The next time I stopped and asked how he was and he said he was doing well. I offered him a sandwich which he gladly took and he told me I was a gem. After that I began to speak to him more and more until eventually I would sit in the churchyard with him after buying him a sandwich and some cigarettes. If someone else had bought him food or cigarettes beforehand he would always offer them to me in exchange for me helping him, although I never took them. Gradually B began to tell me about his life.

He looked as if he was late 40's, early 50's but B was 32. He had been taking an English degree in Glasgow when he had become more and more anxious and then he said the government had implanted control chips in his mind. In his third year of university he was unable to maintain his accommodation and was evicted, he spent all of his money on drugs and eventually tried to kill himself. Psychiatric services became involved and he was sectioned for a while and medicated, but unfortunately the treatment wasn't enough. The mind control chips told him that the psychiatrists were working with the government against him and they wanted to turn him into a cyborg to use for intelligence and he would lose freewill. In a last desperate attempt he told his psychiatrist this and they told him that they thought it best that he move into supported housing, a halfway house between hospital and independence. To B, this confirmed that they were trying to remove his freewill so he got on a coach to London that night with the last of his money and arrived with nothing. He immediately began living on the streets.

B earned a little money everyday keeping the churchyard clean. He would sweep the paths, remove the weeds and pick up the litter. He took his job very seriously. Every Friday and Saturday he would buy himself some beer and sit on a bench and watch people socialising, sometimes I joined him. We used to get such odd looks, this scruffy, unkempt man and this smart 30 year old woman sitting on a bench in the churchyard, drinking cans of beer together at 10pm at night.

I reached a point where if B was distressed and yelling in the street that I could walk up to him and say "Are they being loud today, B?" He would tell me what 'they' were saying and I would say "Lets go and sit in the churchyard and leave them to it". He always came with me. I did that for his sake, not for the public who avoided him. I was always worried that someone would think he was being aggressive to them and hurt him. Sometimes he wouldn't speak at all, and that was fine. I would still sit with him for an hour and then tell him that I would be back later in the week. Other times he was very lucid and would tell me about how he lost the love if his life after the implants, and how his mother was scared of him and told the police that she couldn't have him at home anymore. He would quote literature that he had studied during his degree and talk about how he had wanted to teach English. Quite often he asked me how I was and I told him that I heard voices, too. Once, his eyes filled with tears and he told me that he was sorry that they had got to me as well.

One day, B disappeared from the churchyard. I never found out what happened to him, the local police didn't know. I missed him terribly, I had known him for 2 years.

I do not advocate anyone approaching someone who is mentally ill if they appear aggressive. It was different in my case because I was trained in restraint of men a lot larger than B, if he had attacked me I knew that I could defend myself, also I had a good idea of what he was going through. But he never did, he was never even short-tempered with me, in fact he used to tell my partner that he had to treat me well and keep me forever because he had found himself a diamond.

I wrote this because although B was faceless to many and others were no doubt glad not to see him anymore he was just as important as everyone else in this world. He was a good, kind man who was dedicated to his little churchyard job and generous with the little he had and he deserves to be remembered even if it is only on this thread.

whitewing

WaS, I am glad that you posted that story. Did you ask the vicar if he knew? May be worth writing to the vicar and the police again now, as he may have reappeared. They may be able to pass on a message. Think how much it would mean to him to know that someone is thinking of him.

Maybe email some of the homeless shelters in London too. Someone may recognise him.

As you refer to him as B, I quite like the thought that your little bee friends are good wishes from him , or little bee kisses. (I wonder where imagination turns into craziness, lol).

Waves_and_Smiles

That is actually a really good idea, whitewing. I would love to get a message to him so that he knows that he is still my friend. He really was a friend and I enjoyed his company, he was warm, intelligent and funny. It is sad that more people didn't realise that.

I love the idea of my visiting bee's being little wishes from him! I am going to think of that everytime now!

jobbingmusician

I am sitting here with tears in my eyes at the B story. I know people like that as well, but it is wonderful that you were able to be friends with him. You really ARE a special person, you know? If you saw yourself from the outside you would know that, and you wouldn't be so hard on yourself.

Thinking of my friends, sometimes they behave badly and do things I don't approve of, or make mistakes. Just like ALL the rest of humanity. I love them because of and including their weaknesses - it would be impossible for me to be friends with anyone who was perfect, I think. Because no-one is, and so I'd know it was all a front. I am still learning to love MYSELF with all my faults, and I know other people have problems with that as well. Especially women, as it's the way we're socialised.

Anyway - one of my faults is that I should be working right now ............. Excuse the ramblings. (And WaS, right here and now - BE KIND TO YOURSELF! )

heartbreak_star

WaS, that story made me well up. What an absolute gem of a person you are I really do hope you manage to get some news of B - but even if he doesn't reappear, you made his life happy and he will always remember that

Big hugs to you!

HBS x

Waves_and_Smiles

B was, and is very special to me. The people who ignored him and hurriedly walked past him or worse, mocked him were the ones who lost out. He was a very kind and gentle man and I am honoured to call him my friend. After a year of knowing him my partner began to sit with him too, I always guessed that when he was late home from work that he would be sitting in the churchyard with B. If my situation had been different I wouldn't have hesitated to give him my spare room, although I am not sure B would have wanted that. He preferred living outside where he didn't feel controlled.

I took him a plate of dinner at Christmas, some wine and a fluffy blanket along with some crackers which we had great fun pulling. I also bought him some aftershave and for weeks afterwards I could smell him from a distance as he always covered himself in it. I really do miss him, he gave as much to me as I did to him.

lostinrates

WaS, have you read about vit d much? I know you've mentioned it in relation to not getting out, but in relation to thyroid and weight too.

I'm an advocate in eating to support health of all sorts ( as well as enjoyment....) and I wonder in a really good dietary approach ( which could theoretically be done via email) might help support your medical approach, get the best from it, IYSWIM?

I love the purvey smiley. The one in the middle looks really warm to me.

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, Duke I am so glad you like the thread so much! You don't drivel, I am not the only person who has to be kind to myself here!

Binoculars are actually a brilliant idea as in the trees opposite I have seen squirrels before and I would love to get a closer look. We also have regular visits from a fox. I shall see about getting some and hopefully won't get arrested while using them! Thank you!

That's an interesting thought, LIR. My vitamin D level is very low which is apparently connected to Lupus too. I would be totally willing to change my diet as needed, I don't get hungry that much since my thyroid level dropped but I am open to trying anything. I shall have a look more closely at vitamin D foods.

whitewing

I saw a little bee buzzing lazily around the white clover as we were making daisy chains this afternoon.

I am re-reading a book that my sister gave me a couple of years ago. The main character has mentioned that she heard voices but it was such a small part of the book that I didn't notice it last time.

Have your voices changed since this thread, WaS?

Are you still hoarding? I am on a mission to let sunlight and fresh air into the house. We have arranged and recycled a lot of stuff today. I am so pleased with progress.