Just needed to be heard for a little while

whitewing

I think you are human, WaS, and have strong points and weak points like everybody else. None of us are perfect but we, on this thread, are all the best that we can be in the time we have available.

dibuzz

I can't believe what time it is, fell asleep watching tv about 10.30 and only just woke up

lostinrates

dibuzz wrote: »

I can't believe what time it is, fell asleep watching tv about 10.30 and only just woke up

That's brilliant

Waves_and_Smiles

Aww, you are all so kind to me, I really do appreciate it. Honestly, it wasn't any post on this thread and don't worry about asking me questions, they hardly ever upset me. I feel a lot better today, it just happens from time to time.

To give you a clue to the process its partly due to empathy and partly due to psychosis. If I read something where someone is being spiteful or angry towards someone else I immediately start thinking how the person on the receiving end might feel. Then I start feeling similar emotions as I would if it was directed at me. That then gets confused (the psychosis part) and I start to feel as if it is directed at me but people are trying to communicate that secretly to each other using messages and codes and the fact that it is directed at someone else is a red herring. Then everything falls apart and I end up in a well of self-hate feeling like everyone realises what a horrid person I am and are whispering about it.

This is one of the reasons I rarely read fiction (I used to love reading) or watch tv, if a character is being hurt in any way by another I will immediately place myself in their shoes and imagine how I would feel and then I quickly lose sight of the fact that it isn't real and that it isn't directed at me. I hate it, I used to love reading as much as I could and since the psychosis it has become impossible. At work I was very much a peace-maker, calming situations and disagreements down and finding compromise. I have lost the ability to do that without taking it all personally and it makes me sad. I used to love current affairs, too. That is also impossible to read now or I see messages that aren't there directed to me or blame myself for what is happening, I only glanced at an article about Rik Mayall dying and was half convinced that I had killed him.

It ONLY happens on forums when I see someone being angry towards another person. So no one on this thread needs to worry, I feel totally safe here and it won't happen, I just have to be really careful about what I read outside of here. Please, don't feel as if you need to recheck your posts or anything like that on my behalf, it would make me feel awful. I love how this thread is no longer just about me and how it has become a place for everyone to share what they are going through, it would make me really sad to lose that so please don't worry about posting whatever you wish. Honestly I think everyone here is wonderful and I couldn't imagine anyone upsetting me.

((((( hugs everyone))))

haybel19

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Aww, you are all so kind to me, I really do appreciate it. Honestly, it wasn't any post on this thread and don't worry about asking me questions, they hardly ever upset me. I feel a lot better today, it just happens from time to time.

To give you a clue to the process its partly due to empathy and partly due to psychosis. If I read something where someone is being spiteful or angry towards someone else I immediately start thinking how the person on the receiving end might feel. Then I start feeling similar emotions as I would if it was directed at me. That then gets confused (the psychosis part) and I start to feel as if it is directed at me but people are trying to communicate that secretly to each other using messages and codes and the fact that it is directed at someone else is a red herring. Then everything falls apart and I end up in a well of self-hate feeling like everyone realises what a horrid person I am and are whispering about it.

This is one of the reasons I rarely read fiction (I used to love reading) or watch tv, if a character is being hurt in any way by another I will immediately place myself in their shoes and imagine how I would feel and then I quickly lose sight of the fact that it isn't real and that it isn't directed at me. I hate it, I used to love reading as much as I could and since the psychosis it has become impossible. At work I was very much a peace-maker, calming situations and disagreements down and finding compromise. I have lost the ability to do that without taking it all personally and it makes me sad. I used to love current affairs, too. That is also impossible to read now or I see messages that aren't there directed to me or blame myself for what is happening, I only glanced at an article about Rik Mayall dying and was half convinced that I had killed him.

It ONLY happens on forums when I see someone being angry towards another person. So no one on this thread needs to worry, I feel totally safe here and it won't happen, I just have to be really careful about what I read outside of here. Please, don't feel as if you need to recheck your posts or anything like that on my behalf, it would make me feel awful. I think everyone here is wonderful and I couldn't imagine anyone upsetting me.

((((( hugs everyone))))

Big hugs - glad you have posted was starting to worry. Have checked thread several times today as wanted to make sure you are ok.

haybel19

Just a thought and apologies in advance if its a terrible idea....


WaS I remember further back in the thread you mentioned some medical professionals believe your GP was one of them writing you letters about things so that you could read them when needed for reassurance.


Would it help if some of us wrote you something explaining why we think your a wonderful person and perhaps even how you have helped us?


Please ignore or delete if a terrible idea.. I just wondered if it might help...

Waves_and_Smiles

I am fine, Haybel. Thank you so much for checking I was ok, it really does mean a lot that someone would care enough to do that.

I am not seeing codes anywhere today at all and as usual feel rather embarrassed and humble about the whole thing. Once the psychosis wears off I end up cringing at myself and wishing I had kept my mouth shut. However, I have always said that I would be honest in this thread and I guess that means the bits that want to make me crawl into a hole and hide, too! I feel like I should pm everyone with a personal apology but that would just make things even more awkward for me and everyone else so I will just keep tying myself in knots in private...actually JM this is probably time for you to make one of your big, bolded sentences saying "Stop it!"

I just don't want anyone to feel bad, making someone upset is my worse nightmare and no one here has ever upset me at all, in fact every person has bought me a whole lot of comfort and friendship. I appreciate everyone so very much.

Also, yes whitewing some of it is saviour mode for me, too. I want to jump in and try to calm things down and try to get people to be kind to each other, I find it hugely painful when people are cruel to each other. I don't cope with arguments at all well in real life, if my partner snaps at me (which everyone does with everyone else at times) it will really upset me and I immediately think I deserve to die because I am so horrible. Low self-esteem manages to mess me up everytime, I am always waiting for someone to 'see the truth' and realise how worthless I really am.

ETA: Oh, haybel, if people want to do that, then that would be lovely but I would never ask for it. I don't deserve people making that much effort for me! The fact people come back and post helps a great deal, I usually expect people to run screaming from me. I am still amazed that this thread is continuing, I truly never imagined this when I started it!

haybel19

WaS I would love to do it if it would help would you prefer by PM? Then you can print it out if you wish.

oldestgnome

Haybel - that sounds like a great idea to me, glad WaS thinks so too.

WaS - you spend time answering questions and put so much thought into the responses Glad you are feeling a bit better today and not struggling so much with the empathy/psychosis combination. Do you read non-fiction or children's fiction? For me, reading is one of life's real joys!

Dibuzz - sounds like you may have caught up on some of your sleep? More than 12 in 48 hours seems pretty good (but I'm sure you have many more to catch up on. DUKE seems to have come up with a couple of suggestions.

DUKE - the older lady sounds like a real character a day and a night wig, brilliant, did you have an opportunity to chat with her I bet she would have had some stories

WW - what a lovely thing to say!

LiR - really do hope you get to have bees again one day with the type of hive that will help them keep the wasps at bay rather than lazy! I need a much bigger garden and totally different lifestyle to have bees - we all need to have dreams to keep us going!

jobbingmusician wrote: »

It is doing my head in that DiR is the beekeeper, not DiBuzz :doh:

oldestgnome - of course, pugliet came from Harrods, was delivered by a footman in full livery in a golden box, and cost only half a million quid because they explained to me that I would have to bear the cost of the greenstringectomy. However, I have heard rumours that Poundland have recently had some Webkinz toys in stock, and they are all really good quality and really cuddly. Just the thing I might like to be given, with instructions to tell it all my problems, if I was in need of some hugs. Perhaps your friend might like one, with some flowers and chocs?

You do make me smile JM - I shall be venturing to Poundland to find a suitable Webkinz bundle of joy to send to her in a couple of weeks for the ongoing anxiety issues, the instructions are a really fantastic suggestion, thank you.

Thank you all for your great suggestions, some are stored for future reference (JM/WW/Pyxis). I sent a shoe box including some marbles (in case she thinks she's lost them all) and they're pretty, a scented candle, a book, Buddhist chants CD, romantic comedy DVD, sweets/nuts/nibbles I know she likes, Vaseline/hand cream type bits, fluffy socks, a pretty cushion cover that matches one I gave her for her birthday, a tube of instant soup, a flashing rubber frog, and a kinder egg! And managed to keep it in the small packet category and just under 2kg. Some of these items I had in my present drawer or are recycled so very MSE as well! Great inspiration for another lot to follow at some point or a random item or two at some point.


Essay over

jobbingmusician

WaS



(Good, innit! I pinched it off the DIY SOS thread, which I am slowly reading my way through, and thought it was PERFECT!)

So now

BE KIND TO YOURSELF!