Just needed to be heard for a little while

elsien

It's frustrating for those of us caught in the cycle as well - we know what we're doing but get caught up in it anyway. I suppose that there's always also the thought that things used to work so there's the very small chance that things might be different the next time round. They never are, but we live in hope.

Edit - sometimes it's also the blood relationship. When it's someone really close like a sibling or a parent, there's also the societal imperatives around these relationships. So if you cut them off, that makes you feel like you're crossing all sorts of boundaries that completely go against the norm. You're not only battling your own feelings, you also have the cultural expectations to overcome and they can be so ingrained that rational and logical reasoning just can't compete against the emotional side of things.

System

Ah family

This has gotten me thinking about my biological dad who I cut off contact with about 10 years ago. My parents divorced when I was 2. So I was always split between my mums side and my dad's side. When my dad got my my first step mum when I was about 3/4 he was actually not a bad dad. He took an interest in me, was kind if there for me, but I realise now it was probably more her influence that helped him be that way. That all changed when they divorced when I was about 13. It hit me hard. I still remember the day I found out. We'd gone round to my nans (dad's parents) and I asked why she wasn't there and he just told me she wouldn't be around anymore. The next 2 hours I had to sit and listen whilst the whole of my dad's side of the family slagged off my stepmum, and even my mum too. This obviously upset me a lot it got worse from there when he met my 2nd stepmum. She took no interest in me whatsoever, never made me feel like part of their family and wasn't a very nice person to deal with. Through getting with her I saw my dad's true colours and I didn't like what I saw. It all came to a head on my 18th birthday.

My mum had out an announcement in the paper (something alof the line of happy 18th love mum, dad and my siblings). She was referring to my stepdad as dad which I had no problem with as by that poit I'd been calling him dad for the past 12 years. But my bio dad? Oh he has a massive problem with it (despite the fact neither he or any of his side had or an announcement in). I remember getting in the car and us driving to his and the whole time he was proper kicking off about how dare my stepdad be called dad, how he was my real dad and how my mum was driving a wedge between us. I remmeber begging him to stop talking about it as it was upsetting me but he carried on. By the time we got to his I was crying and in a state. I ended up having a massive row with him where I told him that actually I didn't think he'd been a good day, that he had let me down so many times and that his actions had really hurt me and he'd never been there for me. Of course stepmum stuck her bloody oar in which made me more angry. Oh and just to get at my mum he decided to stop paying maitaince, my mum called him that night to ask why and I overheard him calling her a !!!!! and she ended up in years, it hurt me so much to see my mum hurting

After that things were very strained. We muddled on for a year until I went to uni, by that point I had stopped the visits and barely spoke to him. Once I went to uni I made the choice to completely cut off contact as my mental health was bad and I just couldn't cope with it.

10 years on, I'm still not really sure how I feel. I know that whilst 2nd step mum is around we cannot have a relationship. I cannot accept the person he is. And I can't forgive him. Until I can do both of those things there is no chance of sorting this out. And it makes me sad. I'm sad that my parents hate each other. I'm sad that I'm the only thing linking my mum and dad and feel if I hadn't of been born she could have had a clean break and not be caused more pain. I'm sad because I lost my 1st stepmum who really did love me like her own. And I'm sad because in essence I've lost my dad.


Sorry that turned into a rant

Waves_and_Smiles

I can understand that and I find makes me feel very sad for all concerned. It would be wonderful if things could be different. If BIL turned his life around it would take me a long time to trust him again but I wouldn;t dismiss him, I would give it another try. The chances are almost nil unfortunately, so WaSp carries on in the cycle getting hurt again and all I can do is stand back and watch and listen to him when it all goes wrong. I think as well as not understanding I don't like how helpless I feel, too actually. I can't fix it and I want to make it better. Any attempt to results in arguments between WaSp and I and then things carry on the same anyway.

I am so sorry, MU. That is awful for you. I can understand how torn you must feel and how terribly sad. Families are so complicated, I struggle so much to get my head around it. In some ways mine was very black and white-they stuck together like glue and shut everyone else out. No one else was ever considered and they lived in their own bubble of insanity, plus there were only 3 of them-distant family were dismissed as strangers. It made it easier to walk away because it was all just so fundamentally wrong. I can see other families have far more grey areas than mine.

elsien

WaSp probably knows everything you're saying is true. And gets angry with you when you try to break the cycle because (speaking for myself) we are perfectly well aware of what's happening and the hurt in store for us. But we go ahead and do it anyway. So getting cross with someone close who is pointing out thoughts we'd far rather avoid is a safe way of letting off steam and avoiding having to deal with things we'd far rather not have to deal with. If that makes sense.

Waves_and_Smiles

Oh, when it all goes wrong again WaSp tells me that he knew what I said was true and then he gets angry with himself for being so stupid. This lasts for a few months before he does the same thing again. He can;t give me any other reason than "He's my brother", which is where I get totally lost. I know WaSp wouldn't put up with half of this from anyone else, WaSp also knows he wouldn't.

I am beginning to understand it more though thanks to people here. I will never like it but perhaps I can learn to step back from it because frankly it isn't going to change anytime soon. As I said, it is just so hard to see people you love being upset again and again but be powerless to do anything.

oldestgnome

elsien wrote: »

WaSp probably knows everything you're saying is true. And gets angry with you when you try to break the cycle because (speaking for myself) we are perfectly well aware of what's happening and the hurt in store for us. But we go ahead and do it anyway. So getting cross with someone close who is pointing out thoughts we'd far rather avoid is a safe way of letting off steam and avoiding having to deal with things we'd far rather not have to deal with. If that makes sense.

This is absolutely how it works for my Moms side of the family. My Mom is constantly let down by her brothers when it comes to my Grandmas care and needs, she knows it will continue to happen and sets herself up to be hurt repeatedly whilst taking it out on my Dad, my sister and me. The cycle will not change because Mom will not able to make it change, she continues to do the same things through a sense of responsibility, duty, love and guilt and then being frustrated and upset when it all happens again and my Grandma sides with one the brothers as she doesn't want to see how what she does and says is taken and used to upset my Mom etc etc...

oldestgnome

I am not as close to this as you are WaS with WaSp as I don't live with my parents anymore but I regularly get the venting from my Mom about her family and the cycle starts again! I just repeat my advice (which gets acknowledged but ignored) and my Dad repeats his advice except for when they end up rowing over it which is pretty much the only thing they row over etc etc!

elsien

Think of us as being the emotional equivalent to a gambler or alcoholic - people have to be ready to make the changes for themselves when (and if) they're ready. Until then, there's not much someone else can say that'll make the smallest bit of difference.

oldestgnome

MU, families are tough, sending hugs or warm handshakes to you

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you both so much, it really does help me to understand. As you said, oldestgnome the only thing WaSp and I ever argue about is BIL and it is ridiculous for us to continue doing so because we are just repeating the same arguments. I am sure that I don't help WaSp by being frustrated everytime, though so I need to change my reaction. I see more tongue biting in my future but hopefully some understanding, too.