Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

Can you all try to explain something to me please? I know the answer rationally from what I have read but it still confuses me. Why do people do things for family members that only use them and who they don't get on with?

Ever since I walked away from family I developed that pattern for life. If I didn't get on with people I walked away with never a backward glance. I am not saying that my approach is right, sometimes I have walked away when I probably shouldn't have done and things might have been resolved, sometimes I have walked away before I thought that I might be left. But it still very much how I have done things so to see someone so drastically unhappy with a relative, who causes them anger and stress, who they say they don't care if they never see again and then to see them the next day doing them a big favour totally confuses me. Yes, this is BIL again but I am trying to see WaSp's side and what "but he is my brother" actually means and why it should make a difference. To me they have the same genes ok, but they are still individuals just like any other individuals? What is the difference between someone who isn't genetically related and someone who is which means you put up with more from them than you would from anyone else even though it is annoying and hurting you?

I am battling depression right now, too so my thoughts aren't rational so I am severely biting my tongue but could someone please explain to me why people might do this?

lostinrates

Was,

Family and 'love' mixed in with guilt, a sense of duty or responsibility, sometimes a bit of a martyr thing going on, We're none of us perfect.

I make different choices with my family to those my DH makes, and if I could go make in time I'd make different choices at different times I think, knowing what I know now. But in the moment you do what you do. .

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you, LIR. These are things I can;t have empathy for and I rely on putting myself in another persons shoes constantly to understand points of view. I can't get my heart or head around this because my family were so different, I admit that I can't grasp some family dynamics. If someone has hurt me I walk away, it is hard for me to grasp why someone not only stays but then brushes it all to one side and puts themselves out to help someone when they have had so much evidence that it will come back to bite them again and the only reasoning seems to be that they are family.

lostinrates

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Thank you, LIR. These are things I can;t have empathy for and I rely on putting myself in another persons shoes constantly to understand points of view. I can't get my heart or head around this because my family were so different, I admit that I can't grasp some family dynamics. If someone has hurt me I walk away, it is hard for me to grasp why someone not only stays but then brushes it all to one side and puts themselves out to help someone when they have had so much evidence that it will come back to bite them again and the only reasoning seems to be that they are family.

( deleted now was has read).


Please do not quote, I will be deleting this .

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you so much for that, LIR. That actually makes sense to me. I think a lot of what you said could help me understand MIL and WaSp's reaction to BIL. It is so difficult for me to understand as an outsider who never really had a family but the way you have put it makes sense to me. Thank you so much for sharing that.

lostinrates

You are welcome.

Waves_and_Smiles

A lot of what you said made sense, it really helped. I see WaSp now again helping BIL, I tell him it is a bad idea and he says no it isn't and if it is he will say no next time and it is me he gets angry at (I can understand that). No he won't say no, he will end up in a huge argument with BIL, they won't speak for a month and then everything will go back to normal and WaSp will help him again. This has repeated for 25 years. I need to find a way to detach myself from it because I know no calm conversations, screaming or even ultimatums will change it, I have tried it all. The pattern just keep repeating with WaSp getting hurt and angry and then he does it all again. It helps me to at least understand why it might be happening.

lostinrates

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

A lot of what you said made sense, it really helped. I see WaSp now again helping BIL, I tell him it is a bad idea and he says no it isn't and if it is he will say no next time and it is me he gets angry at (I can understand that). No he won't say no, he will end up in a huge argument with BIL, they won't speak for a month and then everything will go back to normal and WaSp will help him again. This has repeated for 25 years. I need to find a way to detach myself from it because I know no calm conversations, screaming or even ultimatums will change it, I have tried it all. The pattern just keep repeating with WaSp getting hurt and angry and then he does it all again. It helps me to at least understand why it might be happening.

My guess is part of what you love about was is how willing he is to love and see the best in those he cares for.

Would you change that?

I stay quite distant from my in laws (once burnt twice shy;) ) and I too get frustrated with some things, but when things were difficult between fir and his siblings particularly I reminded myself that the man I fell in love with had a close bond with his siblings and I urged him not to break contact but try and work things through and maintain lines of communication. I don't have to adore them...but I certainly see my job as a lover to be supporting his wants not adapting him to see things from my perspective,:)

elsien

I didn't see what Lir wrote, so apologies if there's any cross-posting. Again, please don't quote as I may delete.

Waves_and_Smiles

Very good points, thank you so much for sharing. I wouldn't want WaSp to be different and really I would like him to stay in contact with BIL even though I choose not to, not for BIL's sake but because somehow seems to need to. We are back on things I don't understand again because I never felt that way about my family.

It is hard to see WaSp and his family constantly rescuing BIL when he repeatedly throws it back in their faces, yet they continue doing it. This then makes BIL even more insufferable and proclaiming how they are all <insert family name> and they all stick together because family is what counts. The thing is he isn't actually putting anything into the family, it is them doing everything for him.

I do know that I need to force myself to stay out of it, for whatever reason (likely many of which you described, LIR and elsien) WaSp needs this contact. I do confess that it frustrates me to the moon and back though, especially when it hurts him and MIL. It is hard to see them hurting and being used. But I do think what you both described is likely very similar for WaSp.