Just needed to be heard for a little while

lostinrates

Jobbing musician, maybe he'd be able to offer some advice?

Fir/DH is not an assertive driver. Fine out here, not great in London. Before now I drive in Town, but the time I will have to surrender my driving licence probably gets closer and closer, <Fwiw, its probably my fault, I taught fir to drive, and it was deeply scarring for both of us! .)

We've both been thinking that he should have some lessons in central London just to get used to it and brush up. Would a normal instructor do that? Or who would one go to? Any ideas?

Hope everything with house is going well!

Errata

lostinrates wrote: »

Hmm, I respectfully submit you are answering a different question, QUOTE]

I was responding to #5164, which I quoted.

elsien

I've just been road raged at. Gestures, beeping and verbal abuse because I didn't cross instantly at a zebra crossing as I wouldn't let Gitdog cross till he was walking to heel. A whole 20 seconds out of the drivers life - really not worth raising his blood pressure for.

Lir, I would have thought any instructor he feels comfortable with would be able to help. Could you get some recommendations? It makes sense, but I'd hate to think what an instructor might say about some if my bad driving habits nowadays. Way too long since my test.

whitewing

Yes, I did refresher lessons with a bogstandard driving instructor a few years ago.

Mind you, an advanced driving course is only around £139 - my friend is a volunteer driver person with them.

Pyxis

jobbingmusician wrote: »

Big hugs to all!

My DH used to be an advanced driving instructor....nuff said

Super! He'd know then, if that technique is a standard ploy all advanced instructors use - ie not to praise what you're doing well/not even to acknowledge what you are doing correctly?

I've wondered about it for years!

lostinrates

Errata wrote: »

lostinrates wrote: »

Hmm, I respectfully submit you are answering a different question, QUOTE]

I was responding to #5164, which I quoted.

Then I have failed to communicate my points clearly.:(

Pyxis

Errata and LIR, I think you might both be right!

LIR, were you saying that some people can see beyond the critical words and draw out of them the positive recommendations lurking beneath? But that there aren't many who can do that?

So for example, if someone is told "I do wish you'd keep your workstation tidy! How can you do a good job in that mess?" , the ideal interpretation would be to say to oneself, "hmm, I see! If I were to keep my workstation tidy, it would give the impression that I am an efficient worker!" Thereby drawing the positive out of the criticism. However, it takes a very special person to see beyond the critical words.

Whereas, I think that what Errata was suggesting was that if the critical comment were couched in terms such as, " Now, let's look at how we can all improve our efficiency. What type of image do you think a tidy, well-ordered workstation imparts?" etc., then most people would easily draw the reference out of that, that a tidy workstation is of benefit to ones work performance, but without them being stung by the criticism.

Errata

"It ain't what you say, it's the way that you say it "

lostinrates

Hmm, no, not quite.

I can see that's what errata is saying, and i agree it can soften critism, but I think receipt of it is different.

Pyxis, you are closer, and yes, you see part of what I am saying bang on, but by extension some people will feel horrid whatever the delivery and berate themselves and think things like ' gosh, they must think I'm a real ninny as well as a failure to have to soften it so, it feel patronised, so while they are trying to be kind I am giving the impression of a fool as well as some one messy in my workstation and inefficient'. How ever well couched the delivery is, the receiver can receive poorly. Its not all about the delivery. Its about the receipt too.

I personally doubt many people however nice the critism is look forward to it. They might look forward to improving from it, to learning from it, etc etc, but that's different.

Also there are times where there is no time to couch the criticism sensitively, ' you are doing a great job, but it would you might find it easier to use fire tongs' is not going to win for me over ' hand out of the fire NOW, get away for the fire' then reassuring and cuddling.


I think a further point on this is that we are all human, whether we are receiving or giving critique in a work or home or relationship situation. No one gets it right all the time. I'd like to think if we could go back in time I wouldn't teach fir to drive, but realistically we would have done it like that. He is a pretty safe driver, ( he had a terrible crash the year we moved here, the road was icey and the car rolled over, and he and dog dog were in it and I was terrified). I find it hard to not worry for him because he is everything. The failures in his driving are mine because I insist on driving through cities. ( I drive the entire time we lived in M ilan for example). You bet I critiqued poorly often . I also struggle not to criticise now.



Fwiw, there is nobody I am harder on than myself though.

codemonkey

I can totally agree about the criticism. When I was a child/teenager, I was top of the class and I'd come home with my tests all happy only for my father to ask why I didn't get 100%. I wanted to be a vet and I certainly showed the ability to achieve. But when I told people, anybody, I was told "that'll be too difficult. Do something else." I scored about 98% on tests at that point. In hindsight, my dad just is like that and my school wasn't used to dealing with high achievers. Not sure what they were trying to do but all they succeeded in doing was telling me I wasn't good enough and would never be gòod enough and I may as well stop trying. So between that and the childcare expected of me, I just stopped making the effort and coasted and I've been doing that ever since. I was in a job a few years ago and had an appraisal which my line manager took the opportunity to tell me everything I did wrong and nothing positive and I know I was good at that job. So again, I stopped trying. Now I wont even go for promotion.

On a similar note my driving instructor didn't believe in giving praise and screamed at me when I did something wrong. I never passed my test and have no confidence to try again.

I just did something so embarrassing as result of side effects of my medication.