Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

I am so glad that you didn't act on those plans LIR, I know exactly how it feels. I have tried seriously to take my life twice and almost managed both times, it was purely by luck that I was found. I have had 6 more times of trying it spontaneously too, but fortunately I was so distraught that I messed it up each time. The last time I planned it for a week and I remember that I was barely conscious and all I could hear was my partner sobbing and pleading with the ambulance drivers to help me. I can never do that to him again.

My mother was abused by her father. She did hear voices, I remember a point of complete insanity when I was 14. After dinner every night I would sit in the living room and talk to my voices and my mother would stand in the hallway and talk to hers. We never spoke to them in front of each other but we were both aware of what each other was doing. So there we would sit nightly, in different places in the flat, talking to people who didn't exist as a routine. It seemed fine as the time as it was my 'normal' but looking back it feels terrifying and very disturbed.

I do think people are more sensitive than they let on to others as well. I have my heart on my sleeve and am often maybe too open about my emotions but because others don't talk about them doesn't mean that they don't feel similar. It really upsets me to think of anyone feeling unwanted or uncared for so I do try to respond to everyone although at times I miss people because I am human. I do my best which is about as good as I can do.

Waves_and_Smiles

I have always opted for the pill, whitewing. I have hormone problems and it controls otherwise awful PMS and I actually lose weight on it as it sorts my body out! I first took it at the age of 15 because even then my PMS was awful and I have been on and off of it for years. It was always important for me to use contraception as I decided that I would never have children and with my mothers history of miscarriages and the fact I have her conditions I couldn't take any risks. My PMS is still quite bad but nothing compared to what it was so I won't be coming off of it anytime soon. Menopause is nowhere in sight...

lostinrates

whitewing wrote: »

Just to change the subject, and a very personal question now. This is a post that can be safely ignored without comment if no one wants to dive in, especially given the histories of abuse on here. I apologise in advance if it stirs up unwanted feelings in anybody.

I was wondering what anyone does for contraceptives? My GP is suggesting the coil for me, partly because I am anaemic and periods become lighter. I really don't want another child, having had post natal depression twice. I seriously don't think I could go through that again. I know others on here have said they have made a decision not to have children. It is a topic that may be worth exploring at some point, if anyone does want to chip in.

I'm infertile.

I tried the pill to help with pcos and before I knew I was infertile and hated it both times.

When I have procedures that would put any remote possibility of a conceived baby at risk we use condoms.

I want a child badly, but not at risk of it suffering how I have. So, I'm finally finding gratitude for infertility.

whitewing

How do you know that your mother was abused by her father?

Did she tell you?

Did he abuse you too?

Or is it just the only thing that made sense?

Did your grandmother know, do you think?

Did your grandfather hear voices? (I'm wondering what is genetic/what is from the abuse)

WaS, you can get this post deleted if it upsets you. Don't feel you have to explain or answer anything.

whitewing

I had dreadful period pain until I went on anti depressants. Now I have hardly any pain, I sometimes don't even notice that I've started. Before I used to be bedridden for the first day. They are still heavy.

I've almost gone off sex, so determined am I not to get pregnant. I wouldn't want to have an abortion either, so again want to eliminate the possibility so I never have to make hard choices. We use condoms currently but it's too much risk really.

Waves_and_Smiles

ETA Skip the following if you find abuse difficult to hear about, it is quite graphic.
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It doesn't upset me whitewing, don't worry. My mother told me she was abused but didn't describe it as bad. She told me to tell me how she cooperated because that is what families did for each other when they didn't need strangers. Her father died before I was born so I escaped there. I have no idea if he heard voices too, or if my grandmother did.

My grandmother was aware, in fact she wanted me to be with her son, my uncle. It was arranged when I was 14 for me to go to pubs with him, he would tell people that I was his girlfriend which worked as I looked older than my age and he was only 15 years older than me. Nothing ever went further than him kissing and groping me but that was bad enough. I refused to go away with him for a weekend and threatened to tell the police when I was 15 because I knew things would be taken a lot further and I was screamed at by my mother and grandmother and they never forgave me for it, telling me I wasn't family and I preferred strangers and that the family would have been better off if I was never born. The trips out with my uncle stopped after that.

The above is why for a while when authorities suspected something was very wrong with the family set-up that they saw the solution as placing me and my whole family 'within closed walls' as they put it. All three of them were very disturbed and hated me for not continuing the family traditions.

whitewing

You did say my questions weren't upsetting you.....Is it possible that your mother was perhaps the offspring of an incestuous relationship and that then amplified the genetic susceptibilities?

lostinrates

whitewing wrote: »

I had dreadful period pain until I went on anti depressants. Now I have hardly any pain, I sometimes don't even notice that I've started. Before I used to be bedridden for the first day. They are still heavy.

I've almost gone off sex, so determined am I not to get pregnant. I wouldn't want to have an abortion either, so again want to eliminate the possibility so I never have to make hard choices. We use condoms currently but it's too much risk really.

Oh, I wonder if it will improve for me too? The pill put me of sex entirely, so much so I wondered if that how it worked:rotfl: and my breast got ridiculously huge. Uncomfortably and crazily so, like a caricature. And, as is my want with any situation I don't agree with, I piled on weight. Oh, I hated it. I envy women who find it perfect!

Would you consider sterilisation, or your parter a vasectomy?

Someone close to me who suffers mental health problems, plus heavy periods and pms swears by the coil.

jobbingmusician

I can't take part in this bit as I am well past the menopause. I got married when I was 49 and the NHS couldn't have cared less, when I went to try to get contraception. My husband has a strange neurological condition and has been told to avoid stress, so we weren't prepared to take the risk of having an accident, but they effectively refused to do anything to help, so we ended up on condoms until I was eventually period free for 2 years

Waves_and_Smiles

Yes, whitewing. It is something that I have considered a lot and so have medical professionals. As they were so against 'strangers' having any connection with the family it is quite possible that it was planned that way, too. My father knew my grandmother and was 'chosen' by her to be with my mother, she pushed them together very much but her and my mother would often talk about how they regretted their decision and how it was my dad's fault that I was a <insert my surname here> and not like them.