Just needed to be heard for a little while

whitewing

Hope everyone feels happy and healthier soon.

jobbingmusician

I'm keeping up the seaside puns, but haven't got time to post properly. Love to everyone.

:hello: waves (ha ha)

Waves_and_Smiles

I have come over all em-ocean-al JM. These are going to get so painful by the time you get back.

Did you manage to get back off to sleep dibuzz?

Hello Pyxis! Don't work too hard!

Hello whitewing! I am far more cheery already, thank you for thinking of me!

I have finished sulking, it is a new day, it's sunny and I actually have the windows open. This won't last but fresh air is good! The heartburn has resorted to an occasional stab so that's a lot better and my morning pills stayed down so things are getting better.

While I am able I will follow up on the reference that I made a few posts back about smoking.

I used to smoke heavily, it is very common with severe mental health problems. Now I smoke 5-10 a day depending on how things are going. A few years ago I decided to stop. Day 1 was easy, day 2 a bit difficult but I managed and then we got to day 3. I remember nothing feeling real and complete panic, not even being able to feel my fingers and watching the walls close in on me. By the time my partner had got home I had self-harmed so badly that I needed stitches, I was unable to speak and can only remember flashes of what happened as if it was a nightmare. Apparently I scared the life out of my partner. I started smoking again after being stitched up and injected with anti-psychotics and all my negative symptoms stopped within a day.

The next time I saw my consultant he immediately pinpointed the problem. All of my medication had been set up whilst I smoked around 10-15 a day. Cigarettes contain tranquillising chemicals which my body was used to and my medication levels were decided while they were still in my body. Take away the cigarettes and suddenly not only was there physical and psychological withdrawal but all of my medication was off kilter. He said that realistically for me to stop smoking that we would need to monitor things on a daily basis, as ridiculous as it sounds a hospital stay would be needed particularly as I react so strangely to any medication changes in general. Plus he just didn't believe that I would be able to handle the psychological withdrawal symptoms without 24 hour monitoring. I can't use patches or nicotine supplements as my blood pressure is so odd (yes more oddness, the top number is a little high, the bottom number is very high, it is usually the other way around) so it would be very slowly cutting it down under close supervision.

To be honest I didn't fancy that idea and was pretty much put off up giving up smoking for life by that point. He then said that there was a big difference between 5-10 a day and the 30 I was smoking so if I could get it down to that with very slight medication increases along the way it would do. So that is what we ended up doing. I do wish I didn't smoke but I am terrified of ever trying to stop again, however if I can stay mostly on 5-10 a day I am not too worried.

dibuzz

I finally got to sleep about 4.30 so got an hour before I had to get son up.
I did try to go back after dropping eldest off at the station but ended up just lying there for an hour then giving up.

It's raining here but saves me watering the lawn feed in that we put on yesterday.

I've never smoked but it sounds like you are doing the right thing.

whitewing

Would those electric cigarettes things work any better for you? I am just thinking that you would still get the ritual of smoking too. I have never smoked, it is revolting to me. However, I do have my own bad habits that are not so healthy anyway.

Glad you have the window open. I take such pleasure from the curtains billowing and the feel of the air sweeping through the place. When I was at my worse, I felt really insecure about windows and doors being open.

Waves_and_Smiles

Hello again, whitewing! It is a relief to have some fresh air in the flat, like you say though it makes me very insecure, I keep expecting someone to climb in despite the fact I am the first floor.

The nicotine electric cigarettes might help, it all depends if they have the same tranquillising drugs in them that cigarettes do, I don't know much about the content of the latter other than its bad. It should help with the psychological cravings at least. Thank you for that idea, I shall mention it to my consultant when I see him next,

DUKE

jobbingmusician wrote: »

I don't quite understand, DUKE. Do you mean that it will be helpful to WaS if she is feeling awful to be able to look back and see how we all feel for her, and how she's coped in the past?

Hi jobbingmusician - are you a musician by the way, I keep wondering?

I'll give you an example - I write sometimes & I'm quite comfortable in doing so. However, if I felt that the writing was for publication I wouldn't feel so comfortable & I'd probably get so stressed about it. But then not everyone's the same, maybe WaS is different I don't know.

angelloulou

I was reading your post and can i please say, you are a very lovely person, this comes across in your posts and you must keep posting as you are helping yourself in a huge way keep it going as the saying goes troubles shared all amount to troubles halved and you try where you can to remain strong and positive thank you for sharing your posts regards always
angelloulou

Waves_and_Smiles

Send me some rain, please dibuzz! Can you perhaps manage a nap later?

Aw, thank you angel. It is helping a lot to write, it stops my thoughts circling around in my head. Also everyone has been so kind that I feel very comforted. What was a one off post has reached 19 pages, how did that happen?!

DUKE

On a much lighter note here's that daft true thing/story I mentioned ages ago, hope it cheers everyone along a bit.

I lay awake one night mulling over a family problem. If only my Dad was still alive I thought, he'd sort this mess out. He'd been dead for over 25 years though now & I'd never had so much as a peep out of him. Just a sign, a signal, or even a vision I dared think. Then I'd know what to do, this would give me the strength to carry on. All I needed was a bit of guidance, some answers maybe. Come on show yourself I thought as I stared into the darkness toward the bedroom door.

What would happen if I shut my eyes real tight & concentrated real hard I wondered. Could I possibly summon up my Dad? I decided that it was worth a try as I shut my eyes & concentrated like never before. Almost instantly I felt the most wonderful presence. I could not believe what was happening. This summing up of the dead was so easy, I should've done it years ago. I savored every second of that presence. I didn't want to open my eyes, I never wanted the presence to go away. I was euphoric, the presence was so very strong. Right, after a count of three I shall open my eyes & Dad will be standing over by the bedroom door & give me a nod, wink, or a wave. Anything will do I'm desperate!

However, I was not prepared for what happened next! As I slowly & reluctantly opened my eyes, Dad was a lot closer than I'd ever imagined. He wasn't over by the door like I thought he'd be, he was hanging right over me & almost on top of me! As I clutched at my chest all I could manage was a K-K-K-K-K-K :eek: sound. Then a voice said ''Oh I am sorry, did I wake you? I was only checking to see what time it was''.

It was my husband who'd woken up & was trying to get a better look at the clock, him hanging over me was the strong presence. Once I'd got over the shock, we laughed for about 2 hours over it. No more summing up the dead for me