Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

Yes, I did! We never had holidays as it was impossible with my mother but we did have days out and I loved it. My particular favourite thing is to watch the sea, you may have noticed that I have a thing about water. A little flat in a small coastal village is my idea of Heaven (as long as it has a hospital nearby).

Just wanted to add I hope that this doesn't come across as if I do not like people. I actually really do like people and have never met anyone I truly hate, there are usually good bits about everyone. The problem is the belief that all of these nice people can see how horrid I am and hate me on sight. Everything is based around how awful I am, not how awful anyone else is. It is a combination of PTSD, low (almost non-existent) self-esteem and psychosis.

Waves_and_Smiles

I honestly don't mind other people talking their experiences at all Duke, I am still very aware that this is all about me and I do cringe at times because I am honestly quite dull and shy! I do understand that you don't wish to be identified, though so if you have any questions that you feel you can't put here you are always welcome to pm me. I would like to know how Harry is doing sometimes, I am sorry that he is going through this and I will help him and you if I can.

To use the DFW forum term eventually I hope he will have a 'lightbulb moment' where he connects the voices with being ill and questions if they are real. Things get easier at that point because he will become more emotionally removed and able to observe himself. This won't happen while the psychosis is bad but eventually he should be able to stand back a little. The fact the medication has worked before is helpful towards that as is the fact he has people who care for him. It is SO good that he won't let the voices win! That attitude will help him get through this, encourage him all you can to fight them and remind him he is better than them. I will be thinking of you both.

As for me, well, another 16 hours sleep. A lot of this is the medication increase that we started on Friday night. I have a bad upset stomach today that always comes with it but the psychosis seems minimal so I still hold out some hope that starting the emergency medication early might prevent a full crash. It is annoying that I am so reactive to medication in one way, as if I take enough to all but stop the psychosis I turn into a zombie who cannot even speak, I shuffle when I walk, sway like I am drunk and frequently fall (not great with arthritis) and am unable to do the simplest of tasks. Hence I am always a little 'not really here' with slight psychosis present but I have learned to manage it as the alternative is impossible.

I do feel as if as if I am not entirely in this world or entirely real but that is as likely to be the extra anti-psychotics as it is any new psychosis. It reaches a point where they both make me feel as if I am not really here and it is difficult to define between them, they both result in a similar dream-like state. I have been trying to write this for 30 minutes, my concentration is shot to pieces...

Hope everyone else is ok!

dibuzz

I often have that "not really there" feeling too especially at the moment after an increase in meds but hopefully they will help. Yesterday I just wanted to jump of the nearest bridge.

Pyxis

Hello WaS! Just to say, I'm back from my hols, which were wonderful! I'm just catching up with the thread, but am still two pages behind, but wanted to let you know that I'm here! Will post when I've read everything!

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, dibuzz, we can't have you jumping off of bridges! I would miss you! An increase in medication often causes the 'not really here' feeling (the technical term for the world not feeling real is derealisation, and thinking that you aren't real but everything else is, is depersonalisation. No idea why I mentioned that really other than I find it vaguely comforting that if there are official terms it means lots of other people feel it too).

I do hope things get better for you soon, I find I float around in a dream for the first 5 days after a medication change and then it evens out a bit. Mind you, that happens to me naturally anyway. I will be thinking of you and I really hope that things start to feel more bearable soon.

Welcome home Pyxis! So glad that you had a good time! Sorry about the length to catch up on, we are busy here! Either that or it's my novel length posts!

Oops! Forgot the pug drops! I'll probably end up putting them up my nose in this state...

whitewing

I certainly had depersonalisation when my post natal depression was at its worse.

Waves_and_Smiles

Hello whitewing! Depersonalisation is very common with the more severe depressions, it is a horrid feeling, you want to reach out for help but you aren't really there. I have it vaguely several times a week but it steps up during psychotic episodes. Unfortunately, that is when I tend to hurt myself to try and bring myself back but it is not the correct solution at all and something that is strictly last resort these days. Again, I am not advocating in the slightest, there are lots of better alternatives.

I managed to miss my eye entirely with pug drops! I just dropped it straight onto my cheek. Today is going well...

lostinrates

Well, I just had a google read about depersonalisation and found it very interesting and useful. Thank you.

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, glad you found it interesting and helpful LIR! I hope that you are feeling a bit better today and that you continue to do so. I had it rammed into me during therapist training not to use labels as they tend to put everyone into one box, and mental illnesses are as individual as the person. However, I do think there is a small place for them in that if there is a label you know that what you experience is common enough to be given one, so you aren't untreatable and lots of people have been through this before you and come out of the other side. Also it can be comforting to think ok, I am suffering with this right now rather than thinking I am completely bonkers with something unknown to humankind.

Quick edit to add beware of Doctor Google, however. I have self-diagnosed myself several times and been utterly wrong. Always check it with a real doctor first.

whitewing

I agree with that comment about 'labels'. I have three or four labels, which only my husband and medical notes know. Others know some but not all. It helps me enormously to have labels that define a scope. At the time of diagnosis, it felt all-consuming - I was that 'freak'. But now I see it as the mh issues are a part of me that I manage (successfully sometimes and less successfully at other times). And bizarre as it sounds, I do actually feel thankful that I don't, for example, suffer from schizophrenia because I am glad to have missed out on some of those symptoms.

Was, when you have hallucinations like the moths, the things that you see, are they related to stuff you have been thinking about, stuff you are phobic about, stuff from childhood or are they just random?

Also, did your mother suffer from (diagnosed or undiagnosed) Munchhausen by proxy, as I have sometimes read autobigraphies where it has featured alongside sexual abuse.

And, have you ever dabbled in recreational drugs? I was always too scared in case I never came back.

You don't have to answer any of these. If you answer then of course we must be mindful of not getting the thread deleted or locked.