Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

I haven't managed to sleep but on the other hand can hardly type as I have two lots of eye drops in my eyes making everything fuzzy and blurry, including one bright yellow dye that is making me look jaundiced! Duke, when I can see again I will say a little more about that thing Harry and I both share. Believe it or not, it is a common hallucination, it might help Harry to know that, but more soon!

Thank you so much for thinking of me everyone, it was bad but not disastrous and I am firmly staying put now for at least a month!

(I just had to edit this so many times, it read as gfjgpslsmkdcnjd!)

jobbingmusician

YAY! Go Team WaS! Sleep well, hun, and look forward to hearing more when you feel able.

KT2802

Well done WaS for getting through the appointments. Hope you are ok and have have managed to get some sleep. Thoughts are with you x

haybel19

I have just discovered this thread. I have found it to be absolutely fascinating and enlightening and provides such an honest insight into mental health. . I have always found mental health very interesting but few talk or type as honestly as on this thread.


I hope its ok to say that I agonised before typing it. I will be continuing to follow this thread- cheering you all on and learning and having my eyes opened in the process.


I suffer with anxiety and OCD and have suffered in the past with depression.

haybel19

Worried and scared - you mention hat you have 3 special people who care about you- I think judging by this thread you have quite a few more than that. xxx

Waves_and_Smiles

I am sitting here cuddling the cutest little pug toy, he is gorgeous!

Hello haybel! Thank you for posting, I know how hard it can be. I can speak about my conditions openly whereas a lot of people can't because I have recited them so much. Every year for the past 20 years I have had at least two full case studies taken which means a summary of my life from birth to the present day and when you say it all that often, thankfully, a lot of the negative impact goes so I don't find it distressing anymore. I am so glad that you found reading it helpful, you are welcome to post anytime you want to and ask whatever you wish. A couple of subjects such as my work situation are still painful to talk about but most no longer trigger me at all. I promise to be as honest as I can be. Also a lot of other people who post here are being very brave also, I do love the little community we seem to have formed, I do think you are right that I have a lot more people who care about me now which makes me so wonderful! I can't believe my luck!

I shall answer more of your question, Duke and give a summary of yesterday shortly. after being awake for 31 hours I finally slept for 17 and am in desperate need of coffee before anything else!

Waves_and_Smiles

I am armed with coffee and the comfort of a pug now!

Duke, the thing Harry and I both hear the voices say is very common in psychosis but hardly spoken about. Look at it this way, the goal of the voices is to make you feel as hateful towards yourself as they can, they want you to feel terrible. For most people child abuse is one of the worse, if not THE worse thing that they could imagine themselves doing so it makes sense that the voices would accuse someone of this. They tap into what you despise the most, if you would like to find out about more why this happens there are rather dull but informative studies on the parts of the brain that misfire during severe psychotic episodes, particularly the subconscious and the negative emotion centre. The parts of our brains that control fear and all of the worse things we can imagine become active at these times hence the type of hallucination that is created.

I had no idea that others experienced this, hence my suicide attempt. Afterwards, I was told it is very common but people are so ashamed of revealing it even to their medical professionals that it remains hidden. It was explained to me that abuse was the worse thing I had experienced, hence the worse thing my brain could find was imagining myself repeating it. The fact the voices are saying this to Harry means it is something totally abhorrent to him, they want to frighten him with what would upset him the most. I don't know whether he is aware that others hear voices too but if so by all means tell him that someone voluntarily offered you the information on a forum who is definitely not an abuser, he is not alone with this by any means and it is just another way of the voices lying to him.

whitewing

This may have been answered before, do you ever NOT hear voices?

And when you dream, do the voices feature?

Waves_and_Smiles

Hello whitewing! The not hearing voices thing is a bit complicated. I am very used to either the bad voices or the inner world murmuring in the background so I don't really notice it unless I am psychotc (more than normal), someone raises their voice or there are other physical sounds. Noises in the real world make the voices louder so I spend most of the time in silence, even a radio will make them more prominent. I do think that they stop sometimes but then I think of them and they start again immediately so just being aware of them makes it happen.

Sometimes I hear them in my dreams and see the inner world people in them but not very often. In fact, being asleep is one of my favourite things to do! I love it because I rarely have any physical or mental illness in my dreams so I have a total break from it and get to experience all things I can't while awake. Mostly, I look forward to sleep and feel a bit sad when I wake up, especially if I have been outside in my dreams.


Ok, so yesterday. Needless to say I was having an anxiety attack and hallucinating everywhere by the time I saw my psychiatrist. I was physically shaking and crying in the chair, I couldn't keep still at all. Because he could see this he suggested we change our usual plan and start on the 5 day emergency medication straight away, rather than wait to see if a psychotic episode followed. This isn't ideal because as I have said I react badly to medication in general, but I do see his point that if I was in that much of a state beforehand then an episode was almost certain and we might just manage to lessen the impact. Other than that it all went fine, I will see him again in 6 months (he is the consultant in charge of the department) and one of his colleagues in 3 months time. I told him that I am stable (my version of stable) and had no concerns so he was happy with that.

I then scurried back to the car park to wait for the next appointment. It rained for me! That helped a lot so I spent 20 minutes listening to it on the top of the floor of the car park where almost no one appeared with all the windows up with a blanket over my head.

There was a little drama at the beginning of the eye appointment as I waited in the empty corridor outside while my partner tried to explain to the receptionist that me sitting in the full waiting room just wasn't going to happen, that she needed to come out and tell me when the doctor could see me as he was on his own and couldn't be in the waiting room and with me at the same time, and could I have a chair as I cannot stand for very long due to arthritis. She understood eventually and I was called in after 5 minutes (ahead of other grumbling people, oops), I think they panicked a little but I am very grateful and make a public apology here to everyone who had an appointment before me.

It turns out I have Posterior Blepharitis, Dry Eye Syndrome and corneal damage due to the former. There is a cleaning routine which I need to do each night which I am going to need help with as I forget the simplest things and I have to use steroid drops before bed and artificial tears throughout the day. One problem with this, I am terrified of eyedrops. It looks as if I need to get over this as the artificial tears are for life and the steroids will be on and off every few months judging on the damage and progression of the condition. I was so embarrassed seeing the doctor as I was shaking like a leaf, in the end I blurted "I have mental health problems, ignore the shaking and would you mind talking slowly, please as I can't hear you properly" I neglected to mention that I couldn't hear her due to voices discussing how she would laugh at me later with her colleagues because I was so ugly and vile.

After that I scurried home and I am not going out for at least a month! I had nightmares when I finally slept and am jumping at the slightest sound today but that is expected, nothing unusual so far!

whitewing

I find this all so interesting. Again, I may ask questions that you have already explained but my memory is not so good.

How does the blanket over the head help? And why are you terrified of eyedrops - is that a legacy from your mother?

Do let me know if I make things worse with my questions.