Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

I was reluctant at first to share the inner world as I thought it might upset them but so far everyone is fine with it, Lucee giggles when she see's her name written down. The others can see through my eyes incidentally although I don't allow them to look too clearly or I find myself slipping inside when I don't wish to go. Cas has told me it is fine if it helps me but to be prepared that there might be some difficult comments as it can be hard for people to grasp, also that some might mock me. Of course, the complete opposite has happened on this thread, everyone is lovely and I think the inner ones like that.

The bad voices, one of whom is currently mumbling about an incident when I was 19 and got drunk and how everyone thought I was disgusting, I do believe to be symptoms of an illness only. As you say they recite the things my family said to me and tell me that it is true, they remind me of what was said to me when I was bullied at school and tell me everyone that I care about will leave me.

It is hard not to believe them though when I have difficult days which of course makes me even more distressed triggering anxiety, OCD and depression and the whole thing starts to cycle. One thing my favourite psychiatrist did for me one day was write me a letter telling me not to believe the voices, that they aren't real and no one would hurt me. He also said how proud he was of me. He then got my therapist, GP and CPN to do the same. He made sure everyone signed them with their professional qualifications so I had physical proof in my hand that professionals believed this to be true. My GP was utterly confused and had no idea why he was doing it! I still have those letters and look at them when things are bad, it was such a simple idea but helped so much. Sometimes I read them to the bad voices and interestingly it makes them very angry.

jobbingmusician

That's a brilliant idea! I will use that at work, I think So thank you, and thank you to the psychiatrist who suggested it.

The bad voices also sound like what happens when people (all of us, to some extent) are seriously depressed - we remember all the horrible things people have said to us and all the embarrassing or wrong things we have done, and can't let go of them. This is when you have to remember to be kind to yourself. I bet if a friend got drunk at the age of 19 you would remember it rather fondly as a childish folly. That's how you have to learn to love yourself, as well.

dibuzz

I often remember things from the past, often it's my mum telling me I'm stupid and sometimes I'm sure I can actually hear her saying it but if there's anyone else here they don't seem to hear anything.

Waves_and_Smiles

Honestly, I can't explain what a comfort those letters have brought me. It is one thing being told verbally that things aren't real but it doesn't work too well when you are alone. To have something that I could physically hold and read with their signatures on the bottom for the human touch was a huge reassurance. When I used to go out I would carry the letters in my bag and quietly read them if I became anxious, they were like a little comfort blanket. He was a wonderful psychiatrist and was the one who did the new at the time therapy for MPD with me, he was also very human in his approach.

When discussing OCD with me once in a conference, he told me that he rarely carried his new baby up the stairs because everytime he got to the top he felt he would fall and drop her unless he touched the wall and the bannister twice, completely irrational but a form of OCD. He then said everyone has examples of it in their lives and then asked my social worker and CPN to tell me examples of theirs. They both went bright red and became hugely embarrassed which made me giggle a lot. He helped me so much and I will always be very grateful to him.

I totally understand that dibuzz, I hear my mother telling me that I am devils spawn and that I murdered her. As well as schizophrenia I have also been diagnosed with depression psychosis which means that when my chemicals mess up due to depression that I will also hear voices. Any chemical imbalance can lead to hearing things including depression and anxiety, it doesn't have to be one of the psychotic disorders. When my partner is exhausted sometimes he does too and he has no mental illness, he is just so tired that it causes a biochemical reaction that makes his brain misfire. I know how horrid it is to hear your mother inside your mind, out of all of my hallucinations I think she is the worse one..

whitewing

I read Sybil and Tell Me Who I Am Before I Die - both about MPD.

I find it fascinating how the body deals with trauma.

Have any of your people become integrated, WaS? By which I mean, have any of your personalities disappeared as you have started healing.

Waves_and_Smiles

I chose not to integrate with the others although there has been integration between themselves. Twice I have been referred to the main MPD clinic in Britain and both times they advised strongly against any kind of memory recall or integration with me. In fact, is was them to have advised my psychiatrists to stop all forms of therapy and work on maintenance and dealing with problems as they arose. There are several reasons for this.

I have so many other mental health problems that trying to fix one triggers another and I do have a history of chronic depression and suicide attempts so this was thought to be too dangerous. The bad voices stepped up when other therapies were tried, keeping me awake for over 48 hours at a time constantly telling me that I was worthless and how much better everyone would be if I died.

Another is the missing 9 months. No one has idea of what happened during those and it is the only time that I recall that someone else took control. My dad had died a week before, my mother was extremely psychotic and my grandmother was yelling at me daily that the family would have been better off if I had never been born, that I killed my father and that I was to be sure that everyone hated me. Just as I had as a small child I couldn't cope so went away. When I got back the first thing I did was cut my wrists and then wonder why, I presume they were left over emotions from the one that left. I had lost a lot of weight, had many bruises and 3 inch infected cut on the back of my neck. I don't have the slightest clue what happened during that time and to pursue it could make me very unwell. My mother was immediately take into hospital after I came back as soon as authorities saw her, for a while they considered admitting me too and my educational welfare officer really pushed for that to happen, the therapist I was assigned to advised against it as I could lose me entirely and wanted to try therapy 3 days a week first, which ultimately was enough. The curiosity is so frustrating though, I so want to know what went on!

Finally, there were so many different types of trauma that to own all of the memories myself could cause a fracture so that I end up back at the beginning again. As well as sexual abuse there was physical and emotional abuse, bullying at school where I be would hurt, plus caring for my parents and seeing them close to death frequently, also holding my mother down by lying on top of her while she screamed she wanted to kill me as I forced anti-psychotic medication into her mouth. I was also raped whilst in a children's home by another teenager. These are only the ones I have a sometimes vague recollection of, there is a lot that I don't remember. It is quite possible that I am unable to hold all of those memories myself and that the trauma would be too much causing another split or causing me to attempt suicide.

However, the therapy I used for MPD did cause some integration with the little ones. They would tell me their memories together while my psychiatrist guided me and I would tell them that they were safe and that I would protect them now. We would all hug inside and the two little ones would blend into each other making a brand new, often older child. This worked several times and brought some of them a lot of peace.

So, for the sake of my life I cannot pursue integration but honestly I would feel very alone without the others in the inner world. I have no recollection of them not being there, being without them is as unfathomable for me as it is for other people to imagine life with them. I often wonder why other people aren't lonely? Who do they talk things over with and even if it is with friends then it isn't someone who has experienced every aspect of your life with you? I suppose a lot of people use family for that which I have never had in the ordinary sense, I am not even sure how it feels to have family and to be able to trust them that much. I have an embarrassing in mind to ask people about relationships with family members, I have only understood it from what I have read, I have no personal ideas of the emotions involved, or the loyalty, or anything about it really.

whitewing

I just wondered if any had spontaneously integrated.

I will ponder your last paragraph before saying anything. I don't necessarily understand conventional relationships.

I remember once I knew someone who absolutely loved geography. I was going to London to visit my friend and he asked if she lived in North, or South or East London. I had no idea where her part was on a map. I didn't feel I missed anything by not knowing (I was getting a coach to London then a train from Victoria). He was incredulous. His knowledge enhanced his life but I did not feel that I was lacking anything myself by not knowing. I guess I feel the same way about your voices - it's interesting and it's part of you. I wouldn't particularly wish to hear them myself.

Waves_and_Smiles

Friends have said the same whitewing, I suppose it could be quite scary and annoying for people who aren't used to it. I am very used to being able to look inside anytime I wish as if I am entering a dream by choice but if you haven't grown up with it then it could be frightening. I do wonder how I would function without it, I think things would feel much smaller with only one world. I wish I could experience life without it for a little while though.

jobbingmusician

I think those of us who don't consciously have voices still have interior monologues or dialogues with ourselves, though. Terry Pratchett refers to these as second thoughts (and his comedy witches are clever enough to have third thoughts, where they reflect on the second thoughts, so I know I am not alone in this!)

Waves_and_Smiles

That is really interesting. I am really curious what internal voices are like for other people but scared to ask as it just makes me seem even more odd. I know what I have read but I still have a lot of questions such as when you remember conversations do you see the whole thing play out like a film you are watching in your mind and hear the voices inside your head? Are inner monologues all in your own voice?When you remember text do you see the book in your mind? I remember the appearance of the page and see it in my mind and read the text off of it as if it was there in front of me. I am aware that I am highly visual and not everyone is which is also difficult for me to get my head around...