Just needed to be heard for a little while

Waves_and_Smiles

I shall try a little more. I have discovered that it isn't healthy for me to visit the Discussion Time forum on this site. I have only glanced in once or twice but read some properly last night and not only do people discuss the subjects in the news that I avoid, individual opinions are a little too forthright for me.

I have had hours since of the voices discussing between themselves how I am a benefit scrounger, a fake, and soon it will be realised and all of my benefits will be stopped and I will be imprisoned for fraud. On one level I know that this isn't true, on another I am incredibly anxious and worried.

One condition I made with the 3 people who care for me is I will not take my own life unless I am forced to work. Then all bets are off and I will do so, I have no doubt in my mind and they know this. This is not because I don't want to work, I loved working and it was the happiest time of my life. It is because I do not trust myself not to cause harm to another.

I had psychotic symptoms for a year before I got treatment and things slowly became worse and worse. I had huge responsibility for vulnerable people even down to giving them correct medication. I made mistakes that could have killed them. No one ever knew because I was able to save things at the last second but it terrified me. Finally I almost did something extremely disturbing that could have hurt someone because the bad voices told me to, fortunately I snapped out of it for long enough to realise what was happening. I picked my bag up from my office and walked straight out of the door and went to A&E while I could without telling anyone that I was leaving. I told the doctors to section me immediately as I was a risk to others. I never ever returned to any work.

There were other issues. The voices telling me staff were saying horrid things about me which I then confided in others, none of it was real. My paranoia was huge and obvious, others thought I was making up lies about the staff, I was simply believing the bad voices. It hurts so much to think about even now.

This is still extremely painful to discuss because I would do anything to keep others safe, I truly am the gentlest person you could find to all life. Even the awful thing I nearly did was because I believed it to be helpful and kind at the time. I have never forgiven myself and never will and I cannot describe the shame and horror that I feel. If I am made to work I will take my own life, I will never allow myself to be put into a position where I could harm others again.

jobbingmusician

I can only imagine how painful those experiences must have been for you, and marvel at how brave you are being by sharing them with us.

Thinking about this psychodynamically, one interpretation of what was going on was that you were doing a job where you had to be a mother to the vulnerable people in your care. This caused you immense stress because you are still learning to be a child, and you've never had personal experience of the 'good enough' mother. (The 'GOM' is Winnicott's description of a loving and devoted mother, accepting that no-one is perfect!) You may have come across this concept in your counselling, as one of the aims of some forms of counselling is to provide the unconditional acceptance of clients so that clients get some experience of the features of a GOM and are able to integrate some of the fractures which lack of a positive childhood experience may produce. I really do believe that you are growing as a person, and I do hope that some of the discussions on here are helping you as much as they are obviously helping others, including me!

Waves_and_Smiles

I did have psychodynamic psychotherapy as a child and looking back now a lot of the ways my therapist acted to towards me it was in the role of the loving mother. Even so I do not know what it feels like to be cared for by a mother, ever since being a young child it was I who took on the mother role and cared for her.

I based my whole life around keeping others safe and protected and when I was unable to do that at work it ripped me to pieces and I still haven't recovered from it. It was if I lost the whole essence of what I believed myself to be.

The last few months were very bad. I wouldn't sleep at all before early shifts and just lie awake in a state of panic. I had stopped washing myself and my clothes and rarely ate. I would hide alcohol in my bag and drink it throughout the day whilst locked in the bathroom crying. The voices were constant and I was scared of everything.

There is more than what I have said, not more about putting peoples lives at risk but more where I caused problems within the staff team because I believed that what my dreams and the bad voices were saying was correct. After I left the staff all bought me a gift and a card, somehow it is even more embarrassing that they realised that I was unwell and wasn't responsible for my actions. I let everyone down.

I am having a good old fashioned cry now, out of all of the posts I have made that was the hardest to write. The feelings are still very raw and painful. Honestly, I wanted the best for everyone, staff and clients and I dedicated myself to trying to make that happen. I just couldn't do it when I became ill.

KT2802

WaS - your posts are so insightful, coherent, and give me such a helpful insight into your world. I don't really know how to express what I want to say but I am really grateful to you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. You are truly an amazing individual.

I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for you when you were working. I truly believe you when you say that you wanted the best for everyone as you are clearly a kind and compassionate person. I am sure you did your best and it is really not your fault that you couldn't continue with your job due to being unwell.

Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. It is really helping me.

jobbingmusician

Oi! WaS! You!

Be kind to yourself. At the moment you are beating yourself up for things you did WHEN YOU WERE ILL.

YOU COULDN'T HELP IT! You believed the voices.

(Insert lovely picture of a bunch of roses here, as I don't seem to be able to :rotfl:)

Be kind to yourself xxxx

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, thank you KT2802. I am really glad my posts are helping you, I still very much have a need to be needed. The worse thing for me is to feel that I am no use to anyone.

I have tried to be honest as I can be, even about the most painful and weird things. I do hope it comes across that I am still very much a person, I am a person with mental illness, not a mentally ill person. Do feel free to ask any questions that you might have, I will answer as clearly as I can. Other than the work situation little upsets me now as I recite my story so many times that a lot of the emotion has gone. For example my hospital has a policy where the psychiatrists rotate departments every 6 months. Every new psychiatrist does a new case history so I recite it all over again, I am thinking of handing over a printed sheet!

I was just thinking that the be kind to yourself thing applies here! I think I need a day of spoiling myself, I shall fetch the chocolate.

KT2802

You are of course a person A person who has (in my opinion) had an incredibly tough life and that you are managing so well despite this. As other people have said, I too view mental illness as being on a continuum. People with a mental illness are people, the same as those who would be classed as being 'without' a mental illness.

I have found the discussion about voices particularly interesting. It has made me think a lot about how I think about and recall things, so thank you.

Yes please be kind to yourself WaS - you really do deserve it.

oldestgnome

Spoiling yourself and being kind to yourself are a must Mmmmm chocolate! How do you spoil yourself - are you an online shopper?


Thank you for sharing difficult memories... Jobbingmusician and KT2802 are so right in the reminder to be kind to yourself! (Thought I'd say it again for good measure).


No person can be held responsible for things that happen due to illness. You come across as a caring and considerate individual.

whitewing

The staff must have thought a lot of you to get you a card and gift. I have worked in different places and you wouldn't have got anything if they didn't want to.

With regard to working, I do understand how difficult it can be to deal with colleagues in the workplace. I can look back now at my work history with some compassion for myself. Sometimes I marvel that I could even continue working with undiagnosed/untreated conditions, and other times I cringe at things I said and did. Regardless, if it were anyone other than me that I was looking at, I would be mightily impressed.

Waves_and_Smiles

Yes, we are all on the spectrum somewhere, even my favourite psychiatrist who had to touch the wall and bannister when carrying his child upstairs for safety. The latter also introduced me to a colleague of his whom he believed I would relate to. He was a psychiatrist who has Schizophrenia. Like me, he had worked in the mental health field and had to give up a lot of it when he became ill. He then gave lectures about what it was like living with psychosis to medical students, but only two at most a week as he couldn't handle more. He was utterly inspiring.

I have also, on several occasions worked with medical students. I would see them individually and not tell them what my conditions were. They would then attempt to diagnose me. It was a lot of fun for me and a learning curve for them as I have so many different types of mental illness. It was always interesting to see which ones they diagnosed. I used to get paid for it, I felt useful and thoroughly enjoyed myself.

I am not sure that I will ever forgive myself for the work situation. The shame is compounded by the fact that it was the one time in my life when I can say that I was truly happy. I loved working, and did so all the way through my degree and then was given a management job very quickly. In fact manager and assistant manager positions were being interviewed simultaneously, I tried for the latter and was offered the former. It was a wonderful time in my life until it went very wrong.

I think I need to buy a new cuddly toy...