Just needed to be heard for a little while

whitewing

My internal voice is my own voice. Even if I am remembering conversations, it tends to be in my own voice. If I am reading a book, it is my own voice in my head. (I don't normally think about this).
I sometimes see pictures in my mind but not that often. I may see a number 7 if I am thinking about it, but mostly it is thoughts - I am silent but it is my internal monologue. I guess that I why I don't consider it 'hearing voices' because it is my own voice (I assume) and because there is mostly conscious effort.

When I am exceptionally stressed, I do get flashes of pictures eg of selfharming. I can't see much detail - eg to recognise someone - but I know it is me. These are colour pictures.

jobbingmusician

I talk things through in my mind in words, but also see pictures. Most of the time I don't realise I am visualising things, but the things I visualise tend to be very accurate even when I am just imagining them.

If I think of a quote I DON'T read it from a book, BUT if it's a recent thing (for example, the times when I say 'I think I saw something like that in the paper today') I always know where to look and whether it is on the R or LH page. I have been interested in this for a while as I think most people don't know where to look, and wonder if it's related to being a musician. If you are a wind player (as opposed to strings, who play most of the time) you often get long rests in the part. You carry on counting (which becomes almost subliminal itself after you have been playing with orchestras for years) and when it's time to play, you train yourself to snap your eyes back to the correct place in the music.

My DH, who has had diagnosed mental health problems in the past, talks things through with himself as goodMrJM and badMrJM. Sometimes out loud (I talk out loud to myself too )

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you both so much, that is fascinating! These questions fall under things I can't ask without getting funny looks! I get visions of myself self-harming too but I see and feel the whole process, usually there is excitement with doing so unless I am stressed. That is psychosis and inappropriate emotions though. That is also amazing about the relation to being a musician, it is amazing how our mind can be trained. I can train my mind easily, especially when it comes to routines and sequences but that is largely OCD, my mind leaps on anything that is repetitive and clings to it.

I will say more in a little while, I have a psychosis headache today (they are different to regular headaches and different again to migraines which I also get - the world hates me) so I need to try and calm it down a little. It kept me awake most of the night but it will pass, they always do.

ETA I talk to myself too, and to the inner world...and to the bad voices... My partner tends to ignore me unless I say his name these days as he automatically presumes it is nothing to do with him.

Waves_and_Smiles

With a dose of painkiller I do believe I have the headache under control so a bit more on the above topics.

Sometimes I feel like I am standing outside a huge department store and looking in. Inside are people living their lives, making choices, working there, being with their families and enjoying their lives. Everything is colourful and bustling and alive. I can see it and I can watch them and see how they do it but I can't get inside. It can feel very lonely. Even with my 3 special people I feel removed from them at times, they live a life and have experiences I can't and in some cases never will have. Their emotional reactions can be different to mine, they do the tasks easily whereas for me it is something I have to plan out for days.

I think I got close once, when I was at university and then working. I became part of that world and experienced what other people do but I was still very scarred from my past so there were still limitations. It was however, the happiest time of my life. I don't really feel part of the world and I can't take part the way others do without bad results. As I said I can see what they do and imagine how it makes them feel but I can't be sure because things are different for me. How different I don't know because even with my 3 people I can't ask the questions I want to or they would panic that I am becoming ill. I can't ask the questions I wish to without seeming very strange.

I want to know what little things are like for people, what they feel, and compare it with my own experiences. Maybe I am not as different as I believe? Perhaps the whole process of needing to check is what removes me? An example I used in the above post I know is different. Most people do not feel a sense of excitement at the thought of plunging their arms through a glass window, it feels like a celebration, it is fun and thrilling like going on a holiday of a lifetime, like gaining the thing you want the most. I do not do it because I know it is inappropriate emotion and it would be wrong to act on it, there are clear rules in society that say it is not acceptable. Another amusing example is one day I felt colourful, I have no idea why as it isn't a usual thought. I went out wearing red, yellow and bright blue, I wore bright green eyeshadow, purple lipstick and huge streaks of pink blusher down my face. I put 3 separate scrunchies in my hair all made of bright colours. I had gold sandals with huge flowers on my feet that I had glued on. Fortunately I met my best friend close to my home who quickly took me home again after muttering a quiet "No." Less extreme thoughts and feelings are harder for me to define so I ignore them and do not act on them just in case they are strange. But it leaves me forever standing outside the department store looking inside and wishing to be invited in.

Complex mental illness is very lonely even within a crowd, a lot of people don't realise that.

jobbingmusician

I think the 'standing outside of life looking in, as if through a shop window' is very common, though - almost the definition of loneliness - and is a cultural archetype, hence all the many many cartoons and references I can bring to mind of children with their noses pressed against the glass longing for something unattainable. I think everyone experiences this sometimes.

It's great, isn't it, to have this safe space where we can all explore this stuff. Which sounds patronising, but actually I suspect I am finding it just as interesting and self-revelatory as you are! I am very happy that you have a friend close enough to tell you if you look not fit to go out, and I can sort of relate to that experience. Colour has always been very important to me - I can remember powder paints at nursery school, painting with them for the afternoon, and I can clearly remember feeling really sucked in by the depth of colour and wanting to immerse myself in it. I couldn't resist, and before the afternoon was out I had put my hands into the colour and smeared it all over my face. I must have been 5 or 6. Colour remains very important to me and some days I crave to wear a particular colour! (and usually do).

One important tenet of my work is that 'we are all mentally ill sometimes' - I think it was Louis Appleby who said that. I strongly feel that mental illness is a continuum and that we can all relate to most experiences. But no, I have never had the desire to put my arm through glass as I know it would hurt and be dangerous. I can remember really wanting to get behind the looking glass, though as a child! Do you know why you want to do this? Is it related to getting the other side of that shop window and transitioning into a different life? (Which would relate to other things you have said about transitioning from one plane to another - or at least that's how I interpreted what you said).

whitewing

I was having fun this morning imagining what the world would like like if we were forced by law to wear a particular colour for a particular decade of our lives, eg everyone in their sixties had to wear yellows and those in their twenties had to wear red. It would be such fun to see the range of designs and shades as people tried to individualise.

Waves_and_Smiles

I love that idea whitewing! I would certainly take part!

Colours are very important to me too. My choice of preferred colours has changed throughout my illness. At first I hated colour, I would only wear black and grey and decorated my flat in the same theme. Then I only liked pastels, the palest possible. Once my conditions stabilised I suddenly liked bright and vibrant colours, the more the better! My one indulgence and the only thing I bought myself in the last 3 years is scarlet satin sheets. It feels like pure luxury to get inside them and I adore the colour.

The arms through the window is complicated. I am going to throw disclaimers out here before I say more (my caution is leftover from managing a forum for people with mental health problems, I am ultra careful). There ARE alternatives to self-harm! Different things work for different people, such as holding ice tightly, pinging an elastic band on your wrist or drinking a pint of freezing ice water quickly. Please try these first! If reading about self-harm upsets you then please skip the information below, the last thing I want is to upset or trigger anyone. Please if anyone feels as if they want to hurt themselves talk to someone. A friend, an emergency crisis number, anyone you can. Also know you are not weird or alone in this, a lot of people have these thoughts and manage to get them under control.

^

^

^

The arms through the window is connected to why I self-harm. For me it has never been a punishment, it is a way to bring myself back from psychosis temporarily. The adrenaline rush of doing so snaps me out of it and makes me feel real again, I do not use it for self-punishment, it is out of desperation to get back to this world. Seeing blood makes me feel as if I am real, I know I bleed therefore I exist. I have managed to reduce the times I do self-harm by pricking the tip of my finger with a needle, the drop of blood is my proof. It is not as effective as the adrenaline rush but can still reassure me.

The arms through the window is the ultimate example of this. I want to see myself bleeding while feeling the cold breeze from the open window on my wounds. It is the ultimate proof that I am alive to me. It feels incredibly thrilling, as if I will finally know for sure. It will also hurt, pain means I am real. The danger aspect doesn't enter my thoughts about it, the urge to feel alive and see visual proof of that is much stronger. I am aware it is not a rational thought and therefore I do not carry it out but it is a huge daily temptation.

There are several other inappropriate things I wish I could do too, all with the goal of giving a few moments of clarity that I exist in this world. One of the hardest things I find about psychosis is constantly not feeling sure if things are real, having to question everything to make sure I haven't become confused. It is very tiring and sometimes I just want complete proof that I cannot doubt.

jobbingmusician

Thank you for all your caveats, WaS. That's a very good description of how you feel. I wanted to reply quickly so that you know that your post had been read and understood. I also think that what you feel (the lack of appreciation of danger, combined with adrenaline rush making you feel real) must be related to what teenage boys and people who do extreme sports must feel. I've heard the term lots of times 'it's the only time I really feel alive'.

I will think about this some more, but wanted to put something on record quickly, just in case anyone decides to delete your post (which I am guessing may have worried you too) in case it does upset others, despite all the safety precautions built in.

dibuzz

I have an elastic band on my wrist but it doesn't always work either for self harm or pulling my hair out (I have bald patches from doing it)
One thing that did help was my pwp asking me each session "any self harm this week?" in the same way he would ask if I'd driven there which made me feel more "normal" and that it didn't have to be kept secret.

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you for replying so quickly. I have no objection to editing it or someone deleting it at all if they feel it is inappropriate, hence all of my warnings first. I thought carefully about whether to write it but I believe these subjects can be discussed in a sensible way, one of the worse things that we can do is pretend that they do not exist, it just makes people feel even more isolated and as if they have reason to be ashamed. Also I said I would be honest here, and wherever possible I want to keep to that promise.

These things are hard to hear but they do happen, and a lot of people who self-harm are too ashamed to tell anyone and may just come across posts on random forums that suddenly make them realise that that they are not alone. A lot of people with mental health problems who are not getting treatment often feel afraid to look at mental health sites but may look at sites like this and perhaps my post may make them realise that there are others who do the same and help is out there. Perhaps someone who knows someone who self-harms may get something from it too.

I would never advocate self-harm for anyone. I have known a lot of people who have managed to stop doing this with support. There is an awful lot of help out there, you just need to be brave enough just once, to ask for it. I am not going to give any medical advice and explain how help is offered but I truly urge people to reach out to professionals and a friend you can trust. It is not a subject that I will mention again but I felt it was important to address it just once.