What Are My Rights?

Ems*Honie

After everything he has put you through, even going to SS which could have resulted in your children going through some terrible interviews and stuff.

Its your choice, but read this thread back through as though some one else started it/ it's some one elses life, and see what advice you would give that person.

Good luck xxx

blue_monkey_2

itsdrivingmeallmad,

No, people cannot change - they can temporaily yes, but this is all it is. No, they cannot change their behaviour - especially controlling, abusing behaviour. Regardless of what he says, he might think he can change but he cannot change and I am sure many people will vouch me on this. Would you be considering taking him back if he was not on AD? Are you feeling sorry for him. he wants you to pity him and take him back. I know you cannot see it but he is controlling you again - take him back and he has won. he is trying this pity tactic as he has tried evrything else and has nothing left. He is a pathetic little man who even took his anger for you out on his 11 year old daughter.

It is your choice but do as Ems said, read back on your posts and see what he has done to you - be strong and realise that he has had his chance and it is time for you to move on. Eventually you will find a man more deserving of your love and affection, until that time you are all fine as you are and as your daughter said, you are smiling again. Just the thought of him phoning leaves you nervous so how can this be any basis on your taking him back.

I would think very long and very hard. Just as an example, when I was much younger I was with a violent mand. i left and depsite the usually pleading I have changed, come back to me, etc.... his next girlfriend was walking around with black eyes within 2 months. The one after that had to endure all sorts of abuse being hurled at er mother when he could not get his own way over something. He has not changed, if he was that devastated by me walking out (and yes, this took courage - I had to move counties as he vowed to come and kill me - he has already tried to burn the house down while I slept) and I moved on with my life and to a better life. I am not saying it happened right away as it did not and I still carry part of that with me now. I am terrified of fires for example, even a whiff of smoke makes me physically sick and my heart leaps - but you will get over him and you will move forward with your life. You have children so this man is always going to be around, maybe initially you could arrange for someone else to be present when the children are collected by him o you are not alone with him. But, he can plead all he likes, others will come along and tell you that a man like this will not and cannot change, it is part of who he is, the same as your personality is part of who you are. Could you suddenly change part of your behaviour overnight? No, if you invite this man back into your life then you are back to square one. it is very early days and you have so much life to look forward to. Please do keep on coming back and posting, we all support you and I feel this is sometimes easier with it being strangers than trying to tell people you know. Maybe it is time to confide in a close friend - someone who can give you the support you need while going through all of this. You also need to think of your children and the fact he was quite happy to have then subject to a Police and SS investigation. This shows the kind of person that he really is.

Good luck, we are all here thinking of you and the stronger person you will become for moving forward from your dreadful past - if you need a shoulder to hold you up and get you through then ask for it, I am sure people would rather this then you struggle on out there alone. xx

Keeping_Positive

Please do not go back. Its another way of controlling you. Let him know you are happy that he is seeking help and that you want to support him but the relationship side is over.

Rereading the thread is a good idea.

itsalldrivingmemad

I am letting him see the girls tonight for a couple of hours, but you are right I needed someone to tell me that. I will try and stay strong later when I see him, he again had me in tears this afternoon - it wasn't all bad times we had good ones but the bad I am sure outway the good.

Curious_George_2

well well well... look who ran out of ideas.... :rolleyes:
intimidating behaviour and shouting at you didnt work,
threatening to take the children didnt work,
so...pleading and making you feel guilty.... will that work?

please god i hope the answer is no.

its your life and your descision but i think you would be a fool to let him back in, yes it would be different for all of... maybe 3 months (at the most), after that the true colours will come shining through and before you know it you will be back to square one and wondering how you could have put yourself and your kids through all this torment AGAIN!

you need to do what you think is best, but PLEASE think hard, re-read this thread and pretend all your posts have been written by your best friend, and see if you dont want to shake some sense into her after reaching the last entry....

MyUserNamesTaken

itsalldrivingmemad, here are a few suggestions for you.

1: Change your mobile number
2: Change your home telephone number and go ex-directory
3: Break all contact with this man (contact through a solicitor only)
4: Ask for all contact with the children to be done through a contact centre, as this man is mentally abusive towards you.

Once you have stopped him contacting you in any way, shape or form, you will start to feel a lot better. Give up on the idea of giving it another go, as he's got no intention of changing. He just wants you back where you were - under his thumb and doing what you're told. This man is abusive. He does not love you. He loves playing with your mind and having this power over you. The only way you can stop this is take back control. You have to give up on the idea of sorting this out amicably, as this will NEVER happen. He's proved this to you in so many ways, including reporting you to SS. File for divorce and do it now. All contact through solicitors only - that's the way forward on this one.

Savvy_Sue

I'm not saying people never CAN change, or that they never DO change. Deary me if that were true you'd be doomed too ... which you're most certainly not!

But it would take a heck of a lot more than this to convince me that he HAS changed ...

Whereas you clearly HAVE changed! Stay strong, hugs!

regularsaver1

How did the meeting go with the solicitor? whats happened since apart from his cruel suggestion?

conradmum

In my experience people like this do not change.
I left my ex because he was controlling and abusive.
I found out a little while ago that's he's still behaving the same way to our son who's nearly 18.:( I left him 12 years ago.

People like this do not change.

Melissa177

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I'm not saying people never CAN change, or that they never DO change. Deary me if that were true you'd be doomed too ... which you're most certainly not!

But it would take a heck of a lot more than this to convince me that he HAS changed ...

Whereas you clearly HAVE changed! Stay strong, hugs!

I've been reading this thread with interest, and wish the OP all the best in standing up to this bully.

The post above is great advice.