Abusive Relationship But No Proof

Carmina-Piranha_2

Off topic but can your 18 year old walk the dogs, or accompany you when you do it?

I wonder if you can also ask for advice from a children's centre? They have a local support team - ours are in the same place as social services, but are not social workers.

When we took in a runaway 17 year old he was allocated a support worker who talked him through the housing options, etc. and was very helpful. Just an idea - they might at least tell you what sort of supervised contact you may be able to arrange, assuming that your 8 year old wants to see his dad.

[Deleted User]

Thanks for the suggestion, my 18 year old has ASD, one of his issues is balance, walking on roads/uneven surfaces all present different issues to him. He did come out with me last week once, but became quite stressed so I've done it on my own since. One good thing, I am making great strides with getting the dogs to walk to heel, so walking with them is less of an effort.

Police came round, will issue a Harrassment warning, but only for him calling at the house. As he has texted, but texted politely, asking to see his son and the dogs.., that method of communication can't be included. The police were very clear about this. Said the CAB stuff wasn't true.

They also said I HAVE to make efforts to allow my ex and his son to see each other. I've said I will do so as long as its safe. So its back to finding a solicitor and seeing if I will get legal aid. They made a number of suggestions but it was more based getting help from a 'mediator' but I haven't got anyone that can act in that capacity.

I'm afraid, it does seem like women who aren't being beaten up, but are being abused in other ways don't have much protection - as long as the abuser doesn't f and blind (which is ridiculous, but this IS what I keep being told). Only agreed to the harrassment warning re calling at my house because we made it clear my ex was shouting through the letter box etc. My 18 year old even spoke to them, and spoke very well about what he'd dealt with, and what my ex had said and done to him but they didn't look at that in terms of him getting protection although I quite clearly said that was needed and why. I am sure I communicated the fear we felt, but it didn't really seem to matter.

BigAunty

deannatrois wrote: »

Police came round, will issue a Harrassment warning, but only for him calling at the house. As he has texted, but texted politely, asking to see his son and the dogs.., that method of communication can't be included. The police were very clear about this. Said the CAB stuff wasn't true.
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Change phone numbers or block his number. With the latter, he might just change numbers himself to bypass this. Your final text could be something like 'I am happy with you to arrange access to the dog and our son via a solicitor/mediator so please appoint one to correspond with me.'

Then perhaps you might get peace?

deannatrois wrote: »

They also said I HAVE to make efforts to allow my ex and his son to see each other. I've said I will do so as long as its safe. So its back to finding a solicitor and seeing if I will get legal aid. They made a number of suggestions but it was more based getting help from a 'mediator' but I haven't got anyone that can act in that capacity.
.

I understand the mediator suggestions and encouragement to sort out access to his son but surely this is a civil matter and you can't be compelled to take action on their advice?

By the sounds of it, you are happy for him to see his son but lack an intermediary to arrange visits so that he doesn't use the opportunity to come to the house to collect him to try and harass you.

Is your ex in the financial position to pay for mediation or a solicitor to sort out child access issues? I believe he raised the prospect of getting a solicitor before so why doesn't he?

Does your ex have anyone you trust who could collect your son from you at a regular date/time?

And the dog - how do you feel about notifying his solicitor or future mediator that he must either collect the dog from you to live with him on a permanent basis or award you ownership? It's clear he seems to use the animal to get to you, by forcing you to foster it and expecting to be able to visit it. It's got to be 100% him owning the dog or 100% you.

bellevie

Update your solicitor re the police call our - she/he should normally send a message reiterating what the police have said -along the lines of: Further to advice from police/harrassment warning / something / this is a reminder that you are not to approach MS XXX. Correspondence relating to access for SONs Name should be sent to: Solitors Name/Address. Any further communication directly with my client will be brought to the attention of police.

If you do not qualify for legal aid, as Big Aunty's post a text will suffice. Brief to the point and final.


Whilst issues are being thrashed out, please continue to save every penny you can with an eventual goal of moving out. It will give you something to focus on, if the police can't/won't help you have to do something for your own sanity if nothing else.

Perhaps look at timing the move with when your eldest will finish school, and youngest will have to change schools - unless you can hang on in there until he goes to secondary. If you move whilst they both are at their current schools chances are he will find you through them, watching route home etc, so pointless throwing money at moving only to be in the same situation.

Every £, is a £ closer to moving - you will get there, in the mean time its a matter of putting your foot down now. Communicate through solicitor or nothing else. If he turns up call the police then do what you can to try and ignore the fact he is there.

thorsoak

Deanna3 - this link might be useful to you, should you, your boys and dogs really need to leave home:- http://www.thelinksgroup.org.uk/PetFosteringService.htm

[Deleted User]

Thank you for all your suggestions.

I have contacted a solicitor who is local who seems to know what they are doing. They said I need evidence of DV, I said I could provide a letter from Women's Aid and from my GP demonstrating DV. Once I have these I will make an appointment.

I am going to bring my oldest into this, he's 18 but with the ASD is, I believe, regarded as a vulnerable adult. Tomorrow he is going to phone college and see if the counsellor he saw a couple of times there can provide evidence that will allow him to get some sort of legal aid too. Might do him good to get protection for himself if he can. Will be on standby on the phone if he can't manage it.

I DID contact ex, saying I would meet him in the car park of a local shop at the weekend with our son. Then followed five texts, he also knocked on the door, with me saying no don't want to talk every text. I had blocked him by 4pm. Again. So that is definitely not the way to go whatever the police say about me having to actively encourage visitation. Keeping everything crossed that i get some help eventually from this solicitor, if I am able to comply with the legal aid requirements, if the law is such that it allows any protection. As I said, police said the CAB article was wrong.

The one couple I previously trusted, was the start of all this when I saw a facebook conversation between my ex and them discussing how awful I was, nutty, unreasonable, forcing my younger son through an assessment for ASD (just so I would get more money apparently, not for any other reason like to help him in school etc). This was a big let down. So no there isn't anyone who can act as a mediary.

No my ex says he can't afford a solicitor. But I have tried other options, they just won't work. He refuses to get why this is happening unfortunately. I know it sounds daft but one of the unanswered texts he sent end of last week said he had left me alone all week, sent 'just a text'. He sent 3 texts, called twice (and knocked at the door once, shouting like a banshee saying he 'needed' to see the son he's ignored for the last year since we split up), over a 2 day period, with no response from me at all. After promising the police the previous weekend that any contact (when he took the dogs) would be via a solicitor to see our son. He returned the dogs at midnight that day.

The police spent two hours with me last night saying over and over I had to allow contact and if he couldn't afford a solicitor I should find another way.., like doing it between ourselves. I said over and over I'd love to encourage contact, have tried everything I know to encourage contact since we split up because I am really aware of the harm a lack of contact can cause our son, nothing worked. Couldn't even get him to go upstairs to say hello to his son. But I don't think anyone listens. Made me feel guilty, so I did text my ex arranging contact.., and here I am again. They were very nice in manner but made me feel totally powerless as there seems to be no protection in law for what my ex does.., sending polite texts even if you ask him not to, or phoning, not covered.

But I will try this solicitor if I can.

Lieja

My OH's ex was granted a non-molestation order against him that said he wasn't to make contact in any way until proper contact had been arranged legally for him to see his daughter. Could you look into this? This was when legal aid was awarded in family cases and she had a good solicitor, but she had absolutely zero proof of anything and the order was granted on a statement she made and a box she ticked for 'emotional abuse'. I'm not very clued up on the whole process but could that be an option if you could afford the cost of DIYing it without a solicitor?

Also just to add - OH had done nothing at all wrong and his ex was playing silly beggars. She fell at the first hurdle in court and was told in no uncertain terms by the judge that she'd behaved very badly towards her daughter, but while it was going through the process the order stood for around 6 months with the threat of criminal charges if he went anywhere near.

[Deleted User]

Thank you Lieja. I am sorry this happened to you two. Its one of the things I am a bit concerned about, seeming to be 'creating something out of nothing' particularly as the law seems to regard what he does as ok. I'm not, of course, saying that this was your situation.

The women's aid solicitor said I couldn't get a protective order, the police said they would get a harrassment warning because he'd been shouting at the door (and only for this) and my son reported this to them.., but polite texts, knocking at the door, phoning are all ok, if he is asking about seeing our son, in spite of me saying don't do this. It still leaves me stressed out and feeling very harrassed and scared though.

I am planning on saving what I can.., but only have three months til I have to sign another tenancy agreement, no doubt it will be another two year one with the LL threatening to evict me if I don't sign it. Means saving £500 a month plus, and i don't see how I can do that. Just had to pay £100 out to get one of the dogs treated for an infection (without a car, I can no longer get to the PDSA which is fine), for example.

At the moment I am hoping a miracle will happen and I can find a solicitor who will find a way to use the law to actually protect us. He's blocked on my mobile and land line, facebook is gone, I have set up emails to delete his emails. Not a lot else I can do. But it looks like I will have to find a way to have contact between my ex and our son. Stupid thing is, my son keeps saying he doesn't want to see him. But I am not sure that is healthy and could be a product of the situation at home.

thorsoak

Deanna - how old is your youngest boy? I believe that once children reach the age of 12-13, their wishes can be taken into account by a judge in awarding access to NRP.

[Deleted User]

He's 8. I have asked for him to discuss this with the school counsellor as I am not sure I am the best person to find out what he really really wants.