Abusive Relationship But No Proof

[Deleted User]

OK have had a relationship with my ex for 9 years.At one stage I went into a refuge (minor violence and he left, but when he texted to say he was returning, I just ran for a refuge) but muc later on we got back together again because I have an older son with special needs and got depressed again (hate that aspect of myself).

This relationship has damaged my older son greatly.

My ex moved out last year. It took a lot of doing but he finally went with police help (no violence, he just refused to go after I discovered he'd taken my debit card after I'd said no, and used it to pay for something I couldn't afford, amongst other things. It meant I couldn't buy food for two weeks).

Because of the depression I have experienced at times I am called nutty and unreasonable constantly, either openly or in hidden ways, but I have always fought as hard as I could against it and it never lasts long. He has used gaslighting regularly.., lots of lies. if I resist his manipulations he 'ups the ante' and does something to bring me back into line again.., even though we are separated. As time has gone by I have gotten more and more distant from him, tried to stop all contact but have given in. This of course, makes me look more unreasonable and nutty.

Now I am determined but the same old difficulties exist. But I need to do this.., somehow, so I am asking advice on here. I have contacted Women's Aid and will be seeing an outreach worker soon hopefully.

I have no proof at all of the abuse. Its been mental, not physical. I did call the police to get him to leave a couple of times, called the police with one of his false 'suicide' attempts but that's it in the last three years.

You see, this guy is very persuasive. He charms everyone. Only I see the other side of him. He has some senior social work friends and i looked on his facebook account a couple of weeks ago, and he has them totally convinced I am totally unreasonable, trying to get our younger son diagnosed (looks like he has ASD too) purely to make money out of it, and I have 'locked him out' purely to be unreasonable. This affected me greatly because I thought they would be able to see between the cracks. If he can persuade them of his point of view, what chance have I with solicitors when I ask for 'no contact visits' for our son, so I don't have to see him?

I had the police round last night. My ex was ringing the door bell for half an hour yesterday. I have blocked him from communicating in every way i can think of, even closed my facebook account as well as blocking him from my phone. They said unless my ex continues to try contacting me with no contact from myself, no injunction can be given because there is no proof of abuse and by trying to keep contact open to some degree for the sake of our son.., I have involved myself in a two way conversation that can't happen with this situation.

But this morning on email I received part of a message from my closed facebook account saying he's going to a solicitor.

What chance do I have of maintaining no contact legally with no proof of abuse, when everyone believes what he says? I need to so much, but I don't feel like its going to work. I am very isolated, have no friends at all and my family is elderly, I feel such a failure in their eyes too. The police told me to get the neighbours to phone if my ex knocks on the door as it will add weight to my case
.., they are my ex's friends too, not mine, I just have kept myself to myself.

His behaviour is quite bizarre.., I got sent a text message two nights ago when I was trying to say yet again we need some space. He replied saying that this needed to be solved in a 'an adult manner.., I love u.., show us your boobs! Really scared me cause it was so inappropriate. I blocked him after saying don't contact me again and he was knocking at the door for half an hour! There seems to be no end to it all. I know a lot of this is my fault for being so weak but just how does one do this on such a weak legal footing?

Sorry this is so long.

newcook

is it from your sons as we as you that you are trying to prevent contact?

if its just from you, see if there are any contact centres where you can take the kids for him to pick up.

if he continues to ring your doorbell or phone or message you on facebook I'd go to the police and let them know he is harrassing you.

Angry_Bear

Also, abusive and manipulative people are often very convincing to strangers. Women's aid and the courts will have experience of this and will know what to look for to see through any lies.

That's not a guarantee they'll get it right, but don't think that just because mutual friends believe his story that professionals will too.

Good luck with it all!

[Deleted User]

I would like him to see his son, but without me being involved. But not sure anyone is going to listen to my reasons why.

Keeping_Positive

Have you been ofdered a chance to do the freedom project OP? Its a brilliant course that will help, its painful at times but you will come out stronger. Ask your Woman's Aid contact. The course is based on a book called Living with a dominator by Pat Craven. If you can see if you dan get a copy.

Keep strong you are not nutty its all the tactics that these guys regularly use.

RAS

deannatrois wrote: »

I would like him to see his son, but without me being involved. But not sure anyone is going to listen to my reasons why.

How old is the younger son?

Mojisola

deannatrois wrote: »

I would like him to see his son, but without me being involved. But not sure anyone is going to listen to my reasons why.

There doesn't have to be any kind of abuse for a parent not to want to meet up with the other parent. Is there someone who will be an intermediary for you - a relative or friend?

[Deleted User]

No friends or relatives.

Our son is 8 years old.

Mojisola

deannatrois wrote: »

The police told me to get the neighbours to phone if my ex knocks on the door as it will add weight to my case
.., they are my ex's friends too, not mine, I just have kept myself to myself.

deannatrois wrote: »

No friends or relatives.

Just you or both of you?

Couldn't your son go to one of the neighbours so that his Dad could collect and drop him off there?

[Deleted User]

I have suggested many times that having him do regular meet ups (or even let me know a few hours in advance) a couple of times a week with me dropping our son off somewhere would be a good arrangement, but he's always refused saying work doesn't permit him to do things like that. Even when I've pushed it and said surely his son is priority enough for him to not work late on a specified day of the week. I've suggested he could take him for weekends to his place, but he says his room is small and there isn't room. I've suggested him going to a solicitor to arrange this.., but he always comes up with an excuse., can't afford it, had enough of solicitors etc etc. Now I have finally got my act together and stopped all communication, he's saying he'll go to a solicitor.


Yes I am aware he's probably using our son to keep in contact with me.., he only takes him out if I go too, no matter how much I say he needs to develop a relationship with our son without me there. Even when things are better between us, he barely talks to our son. But when things are bad, contact always comes up and I often cave in.

I guess going to a neighbour is a solution. I haven't said anything at all to them about what has been happening. I know the husband and my ex text etc.., they may not want to get involved I don't know. I'm a bit scared of going and telling them in case they think I am lying or being nutty and unreasonable lol! I hate drama. It really makes me feel low when I realise yet another person believes what my says so I avoid it.

Its just occurred to me that I finally got a bit upset and spoke to one of my son's friends parents from his school about the situation. He asked me what was wrong (I suspect I was walking around looking a bit shell shocked after I'd discovered something my ex had done). So I told him a little of what was going on. He was very understanding.., he and his wife might agree to allow our son to be picked up from there. I'll keep that in mind if a solicitors letter does arrive. Thanks for getting me to think about who could do this.

Mojisola

deannatrois wrote: »

Yes I am aware he's probably using our son to keep in contact with me.., he only takes him out if I go too, no matter how much I say he needs to develop a relationship with our son without me there. Even when things are better between us, he barely talks to our son. But when things are bad, contact always comes up and I often cave in.

That's just not on. If he wants contact, he takes your son without you. He's just using the situation to maintain control of you.