Abusive Relationship But No Proof

Savvy_Sue

Let him go to a solicitor, and then use a contact centre. It would be worth finding out if there are any local ones, find out when they're available etc.

[Deleted User]

Looks like the nearest one is a train and bus ride away, a couple of towns and some miles away. But I'll do it if needed.

Haven't heard anything from my ex since Monday. Police said they'd have a word with him so hopefully that's worked. Will wait for a solicitors letter and take it from there.

I will have to deal with it myself, if I do get one. I am on benefits, can't really afford a solicitor. Would assume (from vague rumours I heard) legal aid doesn't exist anymore. The police said I'd have to pay for an protective order (which, as discussed, I doubt I'd get anyway) so if no help with that, I assume no help with making contact arrangements.

BigAunty

None of it is your fault for being 'weak' - you've been ground down after nearly a decade of disrespect and abuse by someone who has intimate knowledge of your vulnerabilities, who is an expert in controlling you.

Everytime you resist and push back, he knows exactly how to escalate it and make you feel powerless again. You have been made weary by his actions whereas all the manipulation he does simply energises him, he is thriving on the knowledge that he still has the power to make you feel anxious.

This is why he has managed to make you stay in contact with him by emotionally blackmailing you into accompanying your son's visits and why, when you have stepped back from this, he has made new threats, a new campaign to harass you. He lives and breathes from this type of suffocation - its a thrill to him to feel that he still has power over you despite the physical distance.

He is not 'probably' using your son to get to you - he is definately exploiting him for this end.

Womens Aid will be able to give you expert free advice on all aspects that you are worried about, including things like injunctions, how to manage visits and so forth.

[Deleted User]

He's just been knocking at the front door again. Looking through the letter box, calling to me then slipped a note through the door.

Called police who came round quite quickly, but he'd gone by then.

They said they will call him and say if he comes round again, it will be considered harrassment. Police were supposed to do this last time, but don't know if they did. If they did, its more worrying that he came round again.

Now got to try and stop my heart thudding lol.

I so need to move but can't, in private rental with no deposit and benefit recipient so LL's and LA's won't look at me. He scares me. I've tried to tell the police the sort of contacts he has but they basically laughed at me. Thank god I still have the dogs.

Mojisola

deannatrois wrote: »

He's just been knocking at the front door again. Looking through the letter box, calling to me then slipped a note through the door.

Called police who came round quite quickly, but he'd gone by then.

They said they will call him and say if he comes round again, it will be considered harrassment. Police were supposed to do this last time, but don't know if they did. If they did, its more worrying that he came round again.

Now got to try and stop my heart thudding lol.

It's actually good that this has happened because his true colours are starting to show.

[Deleted User]

Plenty of GTN required!

TBagpuss

Legal aid is not available for *most* situations, but one of the few exeptions is where there is a history of domestic abuse. Unfortunately the solicitors do have to have proof of the domestic violence/abuse - however, I think that they can accept a letter from a refuge, or evidence that you have been referred to a domestic violence support service by a GP or nurse. They can also accept a letter from your GP, it is is recognised that the medical effects of abuse include things such as depression - it doesn't have to be physical abuse or to leave you with bruises.

Are you being treated for your depression, and if so, is your doctor aware of the abuse? see http://www.justice.gov.uk/legal-aid-for-private-family-matters/legal-aid-divorcing-separating-abusive-partner#doctor for more information on what you will need.

You may also find that local solicitors who offer legal aid may also offer a free initial meeting so you can get some basic advice, too (Solicitors wh don't offer legal aid often also offer free initial appointments, but they may not be familiar with the details of what legal aid can be granted, so if you can find one who still provides legal aid, that may be better for you.

I'd also suggest that you look at the Wikivorce forums - you'll find lots of other people who have been in a similar situation.

[Deleted User]

I have talked to my GP about the situation, very clearly, and was referred for counselling but only went to 4 sessions out of 6 because I was so depressed at the time, it turned into crisis management rather than 'curative' and I felt I'd wasted the opportunity. I did talk there about the situation with my ex though. I am just about to start some more counselling via Mind at the surgery.

Having looked at the link, it doesn't look like I will qualify for legal aid. Thank you for the link. My 18 year old has refused to go into a refuge, and the refuges that will accept an 18 year old are far and few between. I'd happily go to one but not without my older son (he has ASD).

I have had to call police out in the last year because of my ex.., the refuge situation was some time ago (about 4 years) but previous to that, when he was put on probation, probation tried to force him into a hostel because I'd called the police on him so many times. Like a fool, I fought against it. I don't think that's going to help me. At the time, my now ex was promising everything would change, and for a while it seemed to. Didn't last long of course.

Soooo frustrating the mistakes I have made.., but hopefully someone will read this and move a bit quicker than I did.

Getting help from neighbours is a no go I think. I had taken in a parcel for them. When I went round there after the police had been, they just looked incredibly embarrassed. I just said things were really bad between my ex and me and he wasn't supposed to be calling round and handed the parcel over.

I know it doesn't mean anything now.., but he had his tools assessed for insurance purposes, valued at 10k.., during this time I was struggling to pay the rent, he wasn't giving me work related receipts on time so I wasn't even getting HB paid, in time enough to help with rent payments. I hardly ate.., kids suffered, and he was buying 10K of tools. Some of them before he went self employed, but 90% of them during the time he was living here and I was struggling. Even lied about paying some rent I begged him to pay because I just couldn't.

duchy

Sweetie PLEASE ring Women's Aid tomorrow morning
They will give you the support you need and very decent and free legal advice too

Contact the freephone 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline
run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge

CALL: 0808 2000 247 0808 2000 247

[Deleted User]

Thank you Duchy, I have phoned them, been referred for Outreach help but waiting to hear now. I'm sure they'll get in contact. They weren't overly helpful before but that was because I was still in contact with my ex (stupidly, trying to keep contact going for the sake of our son). I have since learned that they quite rightly believe that with an ex still able to poke holes in your psyche, any help they give will be much less effective. Now realise how right that is of course. Maybe they'll be more willing to help now. They may insist there's a longer period of no contact (its only been two days after all). So I'll just have to wait it out.