Abusive Relationship But No Proof

duchy

I do wonder if the lack of support before was because you were giving clear signs that you would have him back? Just a thought

BigAunty

deannatrois wrote: »

When I tried before, housing department were not helpful, stating that unless police were called and there was violence, it wasn't enough for me to be declared homeless. Its a bit like the legal aid problem. I don't fall within the 'needs help' criteria for domestic violence even if I am living on my nerves right now.
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Contact Shelter and see their information on the homelessness process that councils should operate as part of their statutory legal obligations. If your council detour from this, Shelter will help or you could bring it to the attention of your local MP.

The reason I say this is that a homeless charity (Crisis) once undertook a 'mystery shopping' exercise in London by arranging for people to pose as homeless applicants to their local authorities.

From memory, they found that around 90% of the time, the local authority breached the legal processes and ignored their statutory responsibilities.

This exercise demonstrated that many homeless people could not even collect a homelessness application form, or would not permitted to submit one if they could get hold of the paperwork. If they did manage to get a Housing Officer to accept it, the local authority would not process the form.

For example, they were subject to gate-keeping from receptionists who wouldn't let them see a Housing Officer and would just give them a leaflet. If they did manage to see a Housing Officer, the HO would wrongly tell them that they couldn't proceed with their application until the applicant could return with further paperwork or evidence.

This included someone posing as a domestic abuse victim, who not only was prevented from submitting her form by the false requirement to provide proof before the council started to act but also later found that the HO had given her a false name.

So you may have fallen victim to quite routine poor practices by local authorities or perhaps rules were different then. The legal definition of domestic violence doesn't require the victim to be a victim of physical aggression, (in case that was the criteria that your council gave you before they accepted your application, it's not clear to me if they indicated that they would only help those with physical violence instead of emotional abuse, too).

I'm not surprised you feel like going it alone after your experiences with the last Outreach worker and local authority homeless department.

[Deleted User]

Yes I was asked for proof before my housing application form was submitted. It wasn't submitted. I will see what i can find on the Shelter site, and make an enquiry if necessary.

I have now spoken on the phone to the Outreach Worker, she said Legal Aid wasn't available .. or not available to me perhaps. She did give some useful advice and did try to help. She's going to ask amongst her colleagues re housing. Hopefuly my determined frame of mind helped. No contact from my ex today.

[Deleted User]

Just wanted to update because although I started the thread asking advice, as its gone on, if its ok, I'd like to record the little triumphs as well as the challenges, it might help someone else see the good as well as the bad about getting out of a bad relationship.

My ex hasn't come round for two days, that's good, and I've managed to do a bit more clearing up/decluttering/finding things to sell or give to a charity shop.

I've also put up two sets of blinds and assembled a chair. believe it or not, before my ex came on the scene I put in a couple of kitchens, did all the DIY (although I won't touch electrical or plumbing work). Somehow my ex took over all that, even when I said I'd like to do it. It was one of the things that made me feel incompetent. But the blinds went up perfectly (if slowly as I'd not done them before and the instructions were pretty useless) so my son's aren't blinded by sunlight during the day now.

I've been having a few health problems, couldn't get up the steps to the Loft because of arthritis in my hips and knees. But I've been given some better medication, and I have been in the loft and organised half of it so there's a lot more space in there. Ex was supposed to be doing it, but it was another thing that wasn't quite happening as promised.

I also took the dogs for a walk, bit of chest pain but it was ok. I have asthma and a slight heart problem so can walk fine (and do, lots) but hulking a great big lump of a GSD around when he wants to go running after the nearest leadless dog can strain things a bit. My ex used to walk the dogs. Not anymore lol!

They may seem small things but to me, they were large achievements! I've been feeling better and better this week.

[Deleted User]

My ex phoned me on landline, his number didn't show up on phone, but its a new phone so I don't know if it was supposed to. I said he shouldn't be calling me, he said Police told him not to call again last week but to leave it til the weekend to ask if he can take the dogs and our son out. I put the phone down. That's as near a quotation as I can make it.

I then phoned police, explained what had happened, what he said, what I said, and asked what did the police say to him? The lady on the phone said that they told him not to contact me, otherwise they would consider beginning proceedings for a harrassment order. Which is not quite as cut and dried as I was told (he could be calling me for weeks before they do anything?????? I don't know.

Bit panicked that this could just go on and on with him getting through the cracks again.

I've been told as my older son is 18, I can't go into a refuge with him. As I've said, he has ASD, I can't and won't leave him. I have no friends and family.

BigAunty

To put your mind at ease, and to confirm whether or not the concealment of his phone identity was deliberate, you need to find out the features and functions on your phone to identify if it was your phone that didn't flag up that number or if he was able to suppress it, so did this intentionally to try and force you to speak to him.

I don't understand if he phoned you on a landline or you received a call on yours. If you have the landline, get a voicemail device attached that has a speaker phone on it so you can hear who is calling you before you decide whether or not to pick it up. I can stream my calls at home, picking up when its family and ignoring it if its a sales call, for example.

Also, many smart phones have memo devices/voice recorders so find out if yours does and practice how to use it. You then may either be able to record the content of the phone calls to you if they become abusive or use your mobile to record the landline on speaker phone if he's calling on that.

If you are in doubt about a caller, don't answer. I am not a victim of abuse but on my mobile phone and landlines, I never ever answer it unless its a stored number from friends or family.

I figure if it's something important, the person calling will leave a message. I let them go to voicemail if I can't identify who is callng me. Pretty much 99% of the time when I pick up the voicemail message, or google the number if they don't leave a message, I find that its a sales company. I now no longer experience cold callers directly.

It's almost instinctive to answer a ringing phone but that's an automatic reaction that I learned how to ignore.

[Deleted User]

Should have caller ID within 24 hours. My landline phone should be able to barr calls, but can't find out how right now.

Landline supplier says they can also change the phone number free of charge as I gave them a crime number. Won't do that just yet.

He called back instantly I put the phone down but hasn't called since.

I won't be answering the phone if I don't recognise the number, except when expecting a call from the outreach worker.

Police coming round later hopefully, so will confirm their outlook/what has been said on the situation when they turn up.

[Deleted User]

OK, ex came round again. Police phoned by me. They told me on the phone to hand over the dog (which is my dog by the way but he does recognise my ex as pack leader). I said no, not until police are here. Police turned up, one was the same officer who came on Monday and told me to have no contact with him at all. I handed Bear over, Police said this wasn't harrassment, this was a civil case of him wanting his dog (which isn't his). Fairily difficult conversation with the officer because I pointed all this out, she felt I was being confrontational. I did say he is using you to manipulate me. Apparently she did not call him the first time because she didn't have the time.

We ended the conversation then. I feel incredibly let down. Told them I've done what you said, and then on the phone I'm being told to hand a dog which isn't even his over to him.

And to hear this isn't harrassment.

He can do what he likes, supported by the police. Its not on. He can decide he's left a jumper behind and get the police to make me let him in. Causing whatever stress he likes. He's found a way, hasn't he?

Top_Girl

deannatrois wrote: »

OK, ex came round again. Police phoned by me. They told me on the phone to hand over the dog (which is my dog by the way but he does recognise my ex as pack leader). I said no, not until police are here. Police turned up, one was the same officer who came on Monday and told me to have no contact with him at all. I handed Bear over, Police said this wasn't harrassment, this was a civil case of him wanting his dog (which isn't his). Fairily difficult conversation with the officer because I pointed all this out, she felt I was being confrontational. I did say he is using you to manipulate me. Apparently she did not call him the first time because she didn't have the time.

We ended the conversation then. I feel incredibly let down. Told them I've done what you said, and then on the phone I'm being told to hand a dog which isn't even his over to him.

And to hear this isn't harrassment.

He can do what he likes, supported by the police. Its not on. He can decide he's left a jumper behind and get the police to make me let him in. Causing whatever stress he likes. He's found a way, hasn't he?

You should have come on here and asked for advice.

Unless he has proof of purchase or the dog is registered to him in some way, microchipping or similar, he CANNOT take it.

Same with jumpers or anything else.

My son's dad tried all this with me, with things I had purchased whilst we were together, using money I had from selling a house I part owned long before we started seeing each other; my laptop, my television, even my foot spa for crying out loud.

On each occasion, I told the police, who were aware of the harassment charges against him, show me proof that he purchased these items and he can have them. They were all purchased on my debit card from my bank account in my sole name.

If the dog is chipped to you and your address or if you have proof of purchase, contact them and advise that the dog is yours not his, that you allowed the dog to be removed under duress and whilst in shock and still suffering the after effects of his harassment and that you would like your dog returning immediately.

[Deleted User]

Thank you so much for your support. I do miss Bear already, its almost like losing one of the children, feel less safe, he is chipped in my name BUT while how it was done was wrong - it might be right for ME to ask for him back but not for Bear. I can't give him the walks my ex can. I will just have to hope he looks after him.

It is the way the situation was handled. The Police were not pleasant.., and well, didn't exactly feel like I could do anything right. Whatever I said, it was wrong. I'm not supposed to have any contact with him, but I am supposed to stop being awkward about the dog. When I said I owned him/paid for him the officer held her head in her hands like I was splitting hairs. When I said the police were aiding him in manipulating me, I was being awkward. On Wednesday they told me that if he contacted again they'd start harrassment proceedings but now its not harrassment, its a civil matter. He didn't really want Bear, he just wanted to prove he could get him if he wanted to. And I didn't say what I should have done clearly enough.

So there is NO protection.