Abusive Relationship But No Proof

dancingfairy

It sounds awful. I suggest you keep a diary of everything that happens, every conversation you have with the police, who you spoke to etc. Mark down every time your ex comes around/tries to contact you and keep contacting the police.
It is also worth writing down the history and problems you have had with him before.
I also suggest writing a complaint to the police, explain that you are victim of domestic violence, and give a timeline of exactly what's happened, ie he's come around on x,y, and z days, he's made several phonecalls to you and then he's told the police that your dog is his and despite you telling the police he's your dog that they took him anyway.
I'm so sorry you are going through this but you do need to keep on at the authorities for help.
df

[Deleted User]

Want to say thank you for the support on here. Its keeping me going.

There is a way I may be able to get legal aid, so going to investigate that. I suspect he will now be going to a solicitor to get access to our son. No problem with that but have to try and make sure it doesn't include contact with me. It looks like these situations have to be handled carefully.

Top_Girl

deannatrois wrote: »

Thank you so much for your support. I do miss Bear already, its almost like losing one of the children, feel less safe, he is chipped in my name BUT while how it was done was wrong - it might be right for ME to ask for him back but not for Bear. I can't give him the walks my ex can. I will just have to hope he looks after him.

It is the way the situation was handled. The Police were not pleasant.., and well, didn't exactly feel like I could do anything right. Whatever I said, it was wrong. I'm not supposed to have any contact with him, but I am supposed to stop being awkward about the dog. When I said I owned him/paid for him the officer held her head in her hands like I was splitting hairs. When I said the police were aiding him in manipulating me, I was being awkward. On Wednesday they told me that if he contacted again they'd start harrassment proceedings but now its not harrassment, its a civil matter. He didn't really want Bear, he just wanted to prove he could get him if he wanted to. And I didn't say what I should have done clearly enough.

So there is NO protection.

There is. If you had outright refused to have him taken and said that he was yours, obtained by and chipped to you, there was nothing that could have been done.

The issue for the police is that they were investigating his compaint, not yours. If you genuinely believe that your dog is better off with your ex, then let this one go. Let him think he's got himself some points in the game he wants to play.

The next move is up to you.

If you are willing to let this one go and don't see a repeat performance with, as you say, a jumper or similar, then do so.

If you foresee this as being an ongoing issue, then contact the police officers who are in charge of your harassment case, explain the situation and how it has made you feel indirectly abused by this man and ask that one of their liaision officers contact him for a complete list of everything he believes he is entitled to from your home in order to close this matter for good. If he refuses to provide this, give him nothing. If he provides the list, then give him anything that is his and ask for proof of ownership for anything that is not.

Top_Girl

deannatrois wrote: »

Want to say thank you for the support on here. Its keeping me going.

There is a way I may be able to get legal aid, so going to investigate that. I suspect he will now be going to a solicitor to get access to our son. No problem with that but have to try and make sure it doesn't include contact with me. It looks like these situations have to be handled carefully.

Go to your CAB and make use of the solicitors in your area that provide a free hour consultation.

You do NOT have to see this man. He has a right to contact with his child, not you.

Mojisola

deannatrois wrote: »

It is the way the situation was handled. The Police were not pleasant.., and well, didn't exactly feel like I could do anything right. Whatever I said, it was wrong. I'm not supposed to have any contact with him, but I am supposed to stop being awkward about the dog.

When I said I owned him/paid for him the officer held her head in her hands like I was splitting hairs.

When I said the police were aiding him in manipulating me, I was being awkward.

On Wednesday they told me that if he contacted again they'd start harrassment proceedings but now its not harrassment, its a civil matter.

This is very unprofessional behaviour. Was this officer part of the Domestic Violence unit? She needs retraining if she is!

If you feel strong enough, ask to speak to a more senior officer.

They should be making you feel supported, not be part of the problem.

[Deleted User]

I do feel strongly, not expecting much given what's happened already but phoned, explained what happened, why I am unhappy and its been registered as a complaint. It will be handed over to a response officer for assessment as to how the visit was handled.

As I said, given the response..,what happens next time? How can I feel protected?

[Deleted User]

Totally unbelieveable.., my ex just brought Bear back saying he won't settle and keeps crying. He says he just wants to see Bear. But I tried that and it just leads to more manipulation. Which is what I said to my ex. He was very depressed but I have to be hard hearted.

Poor Bear does seem a bit distressed. But I'm sure he'll settle with love and cuddles.

Any advice? Please? Am I going to now get into trouble with the Police (well this is a farce, it could happen)?

ecgirl07

deannatrois wrote: »

Totally unbelieveable.., my ex just brought Bear back saying he won't settle and keeps crying. He says he just wants to see Bear. But I tried that and it just leads to more manipulation. Which is what I said to my ex. He was very depressed but I have to be hard hearted.

Poor Bear does seem a bit distressed. But I'm sure he'll settle with love and cuddles.

Any advice? Please? Am I going to now get into trouble with the Police (well this is a farce, it could happen)?

Firstly it is not unbelievable...as i was reading your posts about Bear I thought "he doesnt want the dog - poor dog is going to be badly looked after"

Then he shows he cant handle the dog and brings him back after a few hours. Phone the police and log that ex brought the dog back and find all the paperwork that proves Bear is yours so next time you have proof to hand.

Go through the house and put anything that is clearly his in a bag so next time he is round you give it to him. Collect your bank statement and receipts are proof of ownership of everythingelse. This way you are showing him you are in control of "items" and are prepared for an "ownership" debate. You will also be empowered if the police say prove it is yours and not his as you will have a collection of receipts and bank statements.

Re access to pets hopefully someone will be along with the legal standing on the rights of an ex to see a family pet - seems a weird one.

One take on this situation is now apparently this man who has you thinking he has a power over you cant handle his son or even the family dog without you being there - so really who is the strong one?

That's right - YOU!

Morglin

As someone else suggested, it might be an idea to go to the CAB, and ask them to point you towards some free legal advice.

If you have a solicitor, onside, that may help your situation.

Meanwhile, keep seeking help from Women's Aid.

Lin

duchy

So he loves this dog soooooo much - but can't handle him for more than a few hours ?

Just another excuse for contact.
Personally I'd make the dog part of any access arrangements eg when he picks up your son he takes the dog too . You can hand them both over on the doorstep and shut the door. Odds are he'll either accept that ....or decide the dog stops them doing stuff so he'll lose interest. There's no legal right of access to family pets after seperation -they are regarded as objects and ownership is the issue .
Get proof of ownership - and also make sure the police you are dealing with are part of the domestic violence unit not some random copper like you got stuck with the other day.