Abusive Relationship But No Proof

bellevie

I may have missed how old is your son? Is he at secondary school? If so, would he feel confident getting the bus/walking/bike to his dads (I cant remember how far way he is?) Otherwise public space, like a shopping centre would be the best option. If he isn't at secondary school yet, it wont be long before he is, and he will be making his own way to his dads so he wont have his son as an excuse forever.

You can get an injunction, you just need to self represent and pay the court a fee (£50-70 I think), in your court statement include evidence like the types of messages/number of messages, how they make you feel, what impact it has had on your day to day life. If you have crime reference numbers they would help. Id be surprised, given what you have posted, if it is not granted.

dancingfairy

You need to log all these details in your notebook (Handy for the injunction as well). I'd also get in touch with the police and report it (101 or a local number not 999) unless he is actually there banging in your door and you desperately need them. Eventually the tide will begin to turn, I promise.
Your ex will be shown up for the person he is.
I'm sorry your father isn't supportive. I guess maybe he knows your ex and can't understand how he would behave like this? Maybe he just can't understand how stressful it is to have someone knocking on your door all the time and just how it's all worn you down? Maybe he's worried about your son missing out on spending time with his father?
With regards to whether your son should spend time with his father it depends on a) whether your son wants to and b) whether it would be beneficial for him to.
Seriously you are doing o.k (well better than o.k) and sound like you are coping well with a horrendous situation.
df
( you may not have many friends in real life at the moment due to circumstances but you have a lot of virtual ones ).

[Deleted User]

bellevie wrote: »

I may have missed how old is your son? Is he at secondary school? If so, would he feel confident getting the bus/walking/bike to his dads (I cant remember how far way he is?) Otherwise public space, like a shopping centre would be the best option. If he isn't at secondary school yet, it wont be long before he is, and he will be making his own way to his dads so he wont have his son as an excuse forever.

You can get an injunction, you just need to self represent and pay the court a fee (£50-70 I think), in your court statement include evidence like the types of messages/number of messages, how they make you feel, what impact it has had on your day to day life. If you have crime reference numbers they would help. Id be surprised, given what you have posted, if it is not granted.

I wish this was true, and I do agree that I think there should be enough to get me some kind of legal protection, whether it be a protection or harrassment order. But I spoke to a solicitor at a Women's Aid One Stop Shop and she said I didn't have enough. My voice was shaking when I spoke to the police today i was so scared. He was really shouting at the door. What he said wasn't threatening, his manner was. Its like the experience with the police has taught him that contact is ok, as long as he constantly refers to his 'need' to see his son and the dogs. I hate how this has been allowed to happen. He's been educated, not stopped.

Early evening, before it even gets dark, I make sure all the windows are locked, door chain on, curtains drawn. I didn't walk the dogs yesterday, I haven't today because I am on my own and I don't want him to accost me. I feel like I am under siege. Today he came round earlier than usual so I've got to go into lock down even earlier now. Its not on.

I've seen this http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/discrimination_e/discrimination_taking_action_about_discrimination_e/ge30_taking_action_about_harassment.htm

This seems to cover what's happening to me 'Examples of harassment include:

unwanted phone calls, letters, emails or visits' But I described all this and the Women's Aid Solictor said it wasn't enough? It was three incidents by then.

The article also says 'When is something harassment under the Act?

Generally speaking harassment is behaviour which causes you distress or alarm. The Act also says you must have experienced at least two incidents by the same person or group of people for it to be harassment.

It's the courts that decide if something is harassment under the Act. The courts will look at whether most people or a reasonable person would think the behaviour amounts to harassment."

I think I will have to go to the CAB. Or someone. Surely if he says he wants the dogs, or to see our son.., but he returned the dog when given him, and hasn't sent a solicitors letter about contact with our son in two weeks since I stopped all contact.., it backs up my feeling that this isn't about the issues he is claiming, that it is about harrassment?

Could someone let me know what they think?

Vicky123

Have a look at Rights of Women website, there is a help line.
They are very familiar with emotional abuse and the tactics used by control freaks, they will give you good practical advice that will help you. Unfortunately there is very little knowledge out there on emotional abuse, it's not much good having legislation in place that puts this abuse in the same category as physical abuse if the police and family courts don't recognize it.
Emotional abusers are particularly skilled manipulators, the family court may support him having contact with his son but they cannot force you as an adult with your own rights to see this man so I would let him take it to court.

Mojisola

deannatrois wrote: »

Early evening, before it even gets dark, I make sure all the windows are locked, door chain on, curtains drawn. I didn't walk the dogs yesterday, I haven't today because I am on my own and I don't want him to accost me. I feel like I am under siege.

Today he came round earlier than usual so I've got to go into lock down even earlier now. Its not on.

The article also says 'When is something harassment under the Act?

Generally speaking harassment is behaviour which causes you distress or alarm. The Act also says you must have experienced at least two incidents by the same person or group of people for it to be harassment.

It's the courts that decide if something is harassment under the Act. The courts will look at whether most people or a reasonable person would think the behaviour amounts to harassment."

"Locking down" and being afraid to leave the house in case he's out there show that his behaviour is clearly causing you distress.

I would call the police every time he comes and starts banging on the door - don't be calm, let it show in your voice how upset and frightened you are.

If you can record him when he thinks he's just talking to you, you would be able to show others that the face he presents to them isn't his true character.

BigAunty

Contact your local MP. They are there to serve you.

Tell them all the barriers you've faced with housing, injunctions, the lack of police support and the way that wiley abusive partners are given free reign to continue with their behaviour because the onus is on you to prove the abuse and your ex has now reigned it in, knowing he is being monitored. Outline the example of the control and harassment you experienced over the dog, just so he could still show whose boss. Tell them about the grey area you face because the historic evidence is dismissed.

Tell them that it's gone back to the dark days when a woman had to show bruises or produce a witness to be taken seriously.

Let them know how the lack of legal aid and the prohibitive cost of the injunction, for example, means that you can expect to be harassed on your door-step for the rest of your days, so long as he doesn't use foul language or smash the door.

Book an appointment with the MP at the surgery. Produce a short document that details all the incidents, plus all the weak support that you've received from various bodies.

Your ex needs to be compelled to sort out his dog/child access through a solicitor, that his recorded history of abuse rules out any right to think he can negotiate directly with you.

Morglin

These guys (free and government sponsored) give out advice to victims of domestic abuse, and may be helpful:

https://www.gov.uk/civil-legal-advice

Lin

[Deleted User]

Police phoned, someone is coming round this evening. I don't know who or whether she is 'local bobby' or domestic violence trained. I suspect not, because she asked me a bit of background and I told her I couldn't understand how things had gone the way they had with the domestic violence aspect, she said that for an harrassment order there had to be some aspect of physical threat and I said no, and read extracts as given above to her. She did listen to me, commented on how frightened I seemed, but I wasn't overly encouraged because of her initial comment. We'll see what happens tonight.

BigAunty

deannatrois wrote: »

...she said that for an harrassment order there had to be some aspect of physical threat and I said no, and read extracts as given above to her. She did listen to me, commented on how frightened I seemed, but I wasn't overly encouraged because of her initial comment.

I've only had a quick browse of the law around harassment but on the Citizens Advice Bureau website, grounds included unwanted visits and phone calls.

You may therefore want to bring to the attention of your visitor tonight that because the Police falsely insist that they only act when there are physical threats made, you will make a formal complaint to the Police Authority and you will also bring it to the attention of your local MP.

Ahead of your visitor, see if you can check the APCO guidelines to see if the police are bothering to follow their own guidelines. I couldn't access the PDF on the following site but perhaps it can be dug up via Google or perhaps Womens Aid can forward you a copy.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100330003#ACPO

Again, I found the link to be dead relating to the DIY injunction guidebook but perhaps you can also uncover this somewhere else.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100330002

Mojisola

https://www.acpo.police.uk/documents/crime/2008/2008-cba-inv-dom-abuse.pdf